I have found that when you finally accept whats going on around you, instead of hedlongingly fighting it, life all of the sudden gets a whole lot easier. This week I am sad to say I reached the point of no return. weeks of sleepless nights, crying spells, violent outburts, severe headaches, and unrelentless nausea hit boiling point the other day. After 2 days of uncontrolled crying, shake spells, lathargy, migraines and vomiting.... my brain shut down. It just shut down. It was the wildest, scariest thing. I couldnt talk. I couldnt sleep. I couldnt remember anything. I couldnt focus on anything. I felt as if My brain was dieing. It scared me to death. So like any surfer I went on the internet and typed in my symptoms. Well the first the to pop up was Dementia so I lost it. I thought I was going to die. I really did. It was over. my brain was shutting down and I would never get to see my little girl grow up. So I ran a bath and got in and jus started crying. So loud that my hubby woke up. This went on for over an hour till he got me out of the tub and into a heavy robe. Still on the coutch I cried and cried and cried and told him how sorry I was. Well with much support from him I settled down some. But I still felt I had to see a doctor. So we got the baby up and rushed to the hospital. When I got there I could barely tell the nurse my name and date of birth. when they asked for my phone number I took my shaky hand and wrote it down cause at the time I couldnt talk. I just stared into the wall with my teeth chatering. Soon a nice doctor came in and he asked me what was wrong. And I started crying, telling him I didnt know. I gave him all my symptoms and I told him I was afraid there was something seriously wrong with me and that I was going to die. Well, he looked me straight in the eye and said "YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DIE".... and he said it a few more times after that. and ever time he did I said "Im not going to die?" and he told me no. He said that I seemed to have some general anxiety and some depression. He gave me a shot of Adavan and sent me home with a prescription, telling me to follow up with my doctor. I slept so good that night. And I have been feeling so much more normal with the meds. I am calling the doctor monday for an apt. to see what he can do for me. The hubby and I took the baby to the wildlife refuge and took pictures. We hung out together and played. We went today and signed up for WIC (something I had refused to do out of pride). We cancelled the gym membership and cleared out the storage unit. We talked about going home, what kind of job he could take or I could take, about taking abigail on all kinds of trips together and about her spending time with the family. We stoped and got some ribs. We played and flirted. We watched TV. I have been so relaxed. I have been able to sleep like a baby. Im not woried about anything right now and Im happy about it. I dont care what people think of me. I dont care about the AF. I dont care about haveing a new car. I just care about my family being happy. It was like a ton of weight was taken off my shoulders. The best part is that all the physical symptoms are gone now and I can actually relax. I thought I was going to die 2 days ago... and now I cant wait to wake up in the morning and live a new day. Im so happy. I didnt want to give in and seek the help I needed. I just wanted to live and function normally, but now that my PTSD has pushed me to my breaking point, I realize that not seeking help was what was keeping me from being normal and happy. I dont care what people think. I just want to be happy. Success is relative. And right now, success for me is having a happy family. So I guess I didnt let it defeat me. In all actuallity Im thinking less about my trauma now then I was before. Im going to continue to get counseling and stay on the meds. Just thought Id share my experience with everyone. Thanks to you all for the support I have been given.