Accumulation leading to escape

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brat17

MyPTSD Pro
I know its been very stressful for everyone for months now, and I am not alone. Husband lost job of 40 yrs in January. Self funded and had not paid our medical bills in months. Not much one can do about that-as I learned. Jumped thru all the hoops, not having insurance. Had to push him to file for unemployment and cash out pensions, etc. He missed filing unemployment a few times. Often is his room acting like he is working on things. I recently found out that he we putting quarters in bags according to the year. Meantime, I filed for Medicare part B and now pay $144 from disability. Put off requesting pensions for almost a month in which we lost about $30,000.

Well after about 2 months got a great job with health insurance (by now covid 19) working from home. Perfect. Has to be trained for new job. About 2 months into training, heard of old job opening up (loser company with no insurance), but he knows the stuff. He is very lazy and gave it a lot of thought, which didn't work out. He did go and do work for them for free though.

For months I have had to coach him along, every step of the way. Been very accommodating. With him working from home, had to create office and keep dogs quiet. No vacuuming during day and stuff like that. Most of all it has been cheering him on to learn this new information. Getting really tired though. Never get emotional support for myself, but that's ok, still trying hard.

This afternoon starting cleaning our basement. Did I mention he is a hoarder...no I didn't. He also forgot to pay the yearly termite bill and now we have to start over for about $2000. I could go on with the stuff he neglects, forgets, avoids.

Anyway, we had signs of a rodent so basement needed cleaned out, and just because it did, also. I carried stuff to the trash I could barely manage. Had about 50 paint cans from 3 yr ago house painting. After dinner, when I asked him to help, he did for about half an hour and then went off on me.

I hit my limit.He is a crazy maker. Said I need to schedule these things if I want him to help. Verbally attacked me. Pounded fists on table like a child. I am really getting to old for this. Set my anxiety off, then I just shut down. I get so damn discouraged from getting no help. I don't know if others know what I mean, but when anxiety level meets shut down....cant even speak but heart is racing. I just can live this way. Im not suicidal or anything like that, but I did have to take extra xanax and melatonin in hopes of sleep.

Part of me is so damn angry that women have to (con), his words, men into helping with household stuff. Any advice is welcome as I am about ready for a divorce.
 

RubyBlue

Policy Enforcement
I would be beyond frustrated too. My thoughts? You are enabling the crap out of his behavior. I get there’s a fear for your own livelihood which is driving you to do it, but you may have to seriously consider what your limits are and what you’re willing to do for your own happiness and sanity. If he needs an office area? He’s capable of creating that himself. The job? Oh man I’d be pissed, do you have your own income? I know you filed for your own insurance which is good! If he’s not willing to do the same for himself, that’s on him.
 

brat17

MyPTSD Pro
Annalyn78, thank you for validating my feelings. With all that is going on in the world right now, I am trying to be grateful and not complain about petty stuff. I have plenty of my own faults and try to see as a give and take. I have disability income which is not a lot but can manage. I have bad fibromyalgia and post concussion sequel . With that I do sleep a lot, and the fibro is worse some days. So I am not real reliable about making plans ahead of time. Even when I do ask him to help at a certain time, he weasels out of it. We have been married for 34 yrs and I have enabled him for sure. There are these lengthy talks that go on and on and never work out.
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
How long you been post concussive? What symptoms do you have-if you care to share? I'm familiar with TBI and it's after effects.....
 

brat17

MyPTSD Pro
TruthSeeker-since 2006. Initially and still persistent and worst was inability to wake up in morning and daytime sleepiness. That has never resolved itself. However, dr. had me on Adderoll for several years and that kept me going. In 2016, I had to go off the Adderoll and since then the daytime sleepiness has returned. Alway a motivated and go getter person, I have lost that. I have trouble with focus, paperwork, memory, and anxiety and depression. Mine was a counter coupe injury and was unconscious but luckily no bleed.
 

brat17

MyPTSD Pro
TruthSeeker, honestly I looked at your post yesterday and could not think of a thing. Thats how I get after these exchanges with my husband. I know he is passive aggressive, manipulative, etc, yet it takes such a mental and physical toll on me that I couldn't think of one thing Im good at or do well or enjoy. Thats not true though. I just couldn't respond before I cleared my head a bit.

My daughter who is 32 pointed out that her dad always worked...his focus was work...and I did EVERYTHING else during their growing up. That is pretty true. I was always a delegator, manager, gardner, home remodeler, bill payer, on top of everything from dr appointments to home repairs.chauffeur, etc.
I love to entertain and take care of the details when we do. (he will help by chopping vegetables and stuff for a recipe because he also likes it.) I like to garden and still do that. I like doing home projects and keeping our house updated, but can no longer physically take it on all alone. I was a mental health therapist before head injury and loved helping others. I am still a good listener and creative in that area but could never do the paper work again. I have a new grandson and love seeing him, but with covid it is difficult now.

After these episodes, that are not often, I feel so beat down. I catch myself seeing black and white, good and bad, etc.feeling like a looser. I cant think of any worth I have. It takes a horrible toll on my pain level and stomach issues. I can't eat...I feel nauseated for days. All leading to feeling hopeless, so I dont ask for another six months ,if that , once I recover. So he gets his way. I have slept most of 2 days and nights since this.
We separated for 10 years and I had house in good shape. He was back for a year or two and I sent him back to his mothers during an argument, at which time I went on a cleaning spree taking loads to trash. He has a room at his mothers that she wishes he would clean out too. Stacks of clothes 4 sizes too small and junk.

Right now I am thinking of all the things I planned to do this week and have zero motivation. I hate being this way.

So to summarize, Im not good at much and there's not a lot of things I like to do.
 
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