Hello. I don't really know where to start. This is very long so I will give a Tl;dr at the bottom.
My mother has PTSD from her childhood home. Her father was an alcoholic and her mother worked long hours as a nurse to support the family. As a small child growing up my mother often told me of her childhood experiences- her father never physically hurt her but she developed severe anxiety as a child due to the home life not being stable. She also told me that she and her older brother would fight a lot growing up. I felt like this was normal as I have two brothers myself, but it seemed to really bother my mom.
Once my mother got older (she married my father at 17) she began to have her own children. Once her first child was born she gave her father an ultimatum- quit drinking or don't be in your grandson's life. He quit drinking, found God, and completely turned his life around.
I honestly can't think of a single bad memory involving my mothers side of the family and really feel the most connected to them. They were the ideal grandparents- took us to church, to parks, on vacations, picked us up after school, etc. They played such a huge part in raising us.
Flash forward to about 8 years ago- my mother hates her parents and brother with a passion. She has sent hate mail, angry emails, texts, hateful phone calls to my grandparents and uncle. She even targeted my uncle's teen daughters through Facebook to tell them how awful their father used to treat my mother as children. It caused great pain and confusion for those girls who didn't understand why their aunt would say such things. Any family member that does not go along with my mothers views gets cut off. I have even been disowned several years back for continuing to have a relationship with my grandparents and uncle.
My mother is very hateful and controlling and manipulative. She does not want me to be in their lives. I have a small child of my own now and I make an effort to visit with that side of my family so he may have a relationship with them as well. I informed my mother we were going for a visit (we go every July 4th) to give her a heads up. I had a wonderful visit and while there posted a picture on my social media of my son playing with his grandparents. My mother messaged me that it upset her to see it. I decided against messaging her right away as I was still visiting family. The next day my mother posted a hateful message on the picture of my son insinuating that I was a bad mother and was putting my child in harms way by seeing my grandparents.
I was livid. I immediately deleted the comment and private messaged her that if I had hurt her it was unintentional and I apologized. However, I did express that I felt she had crossed a line by involving my child.
We have not spoken much at all since. We got together to try to talk it out because she is my mother and I love her, but she uses her PTSD as a shield and justification for her nasty behavior. I don't want to sound insensitive to PTSD sufferers but I don't agree that it gives my mother carte blanch to be hurtful and lash out. She refused to apologize and instead yells at me, "I'm sick! It's the way I am. It's not my fault!"
Is she using this as an excuse for her bad behavior or is this normal and to be expected? I have been rug sweeping her past bad behaviors but I can't do it anymore. I don't trust her not to say nasty things to my small child about his grandparents whom he loves. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be insensitive but I feel like she has never truly been there for me because she is so stuck in the past. I feel like I am mourning the loss of a loved one because I don't think I can allow her in our lives in her current state. Is this normal and is there hope?
Tl;dr
My mother has PTSD from having an unstable childhood home. My grandparents helped raise me but my mother hates them now and doesn't want anyone to have contact with them. She is excusing her bad behavior by blaming PTSD. Is this normal?
My mother has PTSD from her childhood home. Her father was an alcoholic and her mother worked long hours as a nurse to support the family. As a small child growing up my mother often told me of her childhood experiences- her father never physically hurt her but she developed severe anxiety as a child due to the home life not being stable. She also told me that she and her older brother would fight a lot growing up. I felt like this was normal as I have two brothers myself, but it seemed to really bother my mom.
Once my mother got older (she married my father at 17) she began to have her own children. Once her first child was born she gave her father an ultimatum- quit drinking or don't be in your grandson's life. He quit drinking, found God, and completely turned his life around.
I honestly can't think of a single bad memory involving my mothers side of the family and really feel the most connected to them. They were the ideal grandparents- took us to church, to parks, on vacations, picked us up after school, etc. They played such a huge part in raising us.
Flash forward to about 8 years ago- my mother hates her parents and brother with a passion. She has sent hate mail, angry emails, texts, hateful phone calls to my grandparents and uncle. She even targeted my uncle's teen daughters through Facebook to tell them how awful their father used to treat my mother as children. It caused great pain and confusion for those girls who didn't understand why their aunt would say such things. Any family member that does not go along with my mothers views gets cut off. I have even been disowned several years back for continuing to have a relationship with my grandparents and uncle.
My mother is very hateful and controlling and manipulative. She does not want me to be in their lives. I have a small child of my own now and I make an effort to visit with that side of my family so he may have a relationship with them as well. I informed my mother we were going for a visit (we go every July 4th) to give her a heads up. I had a wonderful visit and while there posted a picture on my social media of my son playing with his grandparents. My mother messaged me that it upset her to see it. I decided against messaging her right away as I was still visiting family. The next day my mother posted a hateful message on the picture of my son insinuating that I was a bad mother and was putting my child in harms way by seeing my grandparents.
I was livid. I immediately deleted the comment and private messaged her that if I had hurt her it was unintentional and I apologized. However, I did express that I felt she had crossed a line by involving my child.
We have not spoken much at all since. We got together to try to talk it out because she is my mother and I love her, but she uses her PTSD as a shield and justification for her nasty behavior. I don't want to sound insensitive to PTSD sufferers but I don't agree that it gives my mother carte blanch to be hurtful and lash out. She refused to apologize and instead yells at me, "I'm sick! It's the way I am. It's not my fault!"
Is she using this as an excuse for her bad behavior or is this normal and to be expected? I have been rug sweeping her past bad behaviors but I can't do it anymore. I don't trust her not to say nasty things to my small child about his grandparents whom he loves. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be insensitive but I feel like she has never truly been there for me because she is so stuck in the past. I feel like I am mourning the loss of a loved one because I don't think I can allow her in our lives in her current state. Is this normal and is there hope?
Tl;dr
My mother has PTSD from having an unstable childhood home. My grandparents helped raise me but my mother hates them now and doesn't want anyone to have contact with them. She is excusing her bad behavior by blaming PTSD. Is this normal?