Advice needed on communication with my son

adamjam

New Here
I have a 16yr old son who is struggling right now, we both are. I've been having some flashbacks lately that are quite extreme. They take a lot out of me a d he is not understanding what I'm going through. He has taken to insulting me, calling me lazy and a bad parent, at every opportunity, this only makes what I'm going through worse, I've tried talking to him a little, but I've run out of things to say. This is very unlike him to act this way so I know he's having a hard time. I almost feel like just describing what's in my head right now, but then again it's pretty bad. Is there anyone who can offer some insight, advice, anything?
 
What does he expect you to do? At his age, he should be able to express himself more explicitly than just calling you a "lazy" or "bad" parent. What does he specifically want you to do that you aren't doing?
 

adamjam

New Here
What does he expect you to do? At his age, he should be able to express himself more explicitly than just calling you a "lazy" or "bad" parent. What does he specifically want you to do that you aren't doing?
I dont know, he doesn't tell me when I ask, just says nothing is wrong. I have a feeling he just wants mom back.
 

Still Standing

MyPTSD Pro
You have a son who is probably struggling with loss, insecurity, confusion, as to how life fits around him right now. Is there a way that you and he can receive therapy that will help him understand the issue of your PTSD and other family issues that are affecting him? He lashes out because of anger whether he fully understands the "whys" of all the emotions he is having or not. Talking with him lovingly and frankly about your own struggle might be helpful for him but it has to be done in a way that does not make him feel like he has to be the "responsible" person in the house...like taking care of you. He needs to know that you are there for him...his source of care and stability in your home. Frustration and anger commonly results in name-calling and accusations. Him, just being a teenager is tough enough. Seeking some counseling for you both may be a thing to consider.
 

adamjam

New Here
You have a son who is probably struggling with loss, insecurity, confusion, as to how life fits around him right now. Is there a way that you and he can receive therapy that will help him understand the issue of your PTSD and other family issues that are affecting him? He lashes out because of anger whether he fully understands the "whys" of all the emotions he is having or not. Talking with him lovingly and frankly about your own struggle might be helpful for him but it has to be done in a way that does not make him feel like he has to be the "responsible" person in the house...like taking care of you. He needs to know that you are there for him...his source of care and stability in your home. Frustration and anger commonly results in name-calling and accusations. Him, just being a teenager is tough enough. Seeking some counseling for you both may be a thing to consider.
He doesn't want counseling and I dont think forcing it at his age will be helpful. I did talk to him a little franker let him know I'm still here and trying, he did agree to stop with the name calling, so that's something, now I guess I'll just back off let him be him. I've known moms who depended on kids to get emotional needs met, I'm not one lol. Seems like more guilt to me.
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
It's inappropriate for a parent to look to their child to fulfill their own needs. And I don't mean it at all cruelly, but it isn't up to him with the intellect and experiences of a 16 year old (and likely even less emotional maturity) to understand you. However, maybe much is going on with him, and he could use someone to talk to- a therapist is not likely to sound great or be well received but someone like a coach or mentor? And what has/ have he/ you both been through?

Take care and welcome to you.
 

adamjam

New Here
Hi. What's your sons social network like?
There is another lockdown where we live,so that's been difficult. He does belong to boy scouts, they often communicate by text and video if they cant meet. He's a gamer and does have an online social network, he assures me that's fine for him. Currently he's looking for a job which would be great.

Sounds like your making progress. Sometimes a heartfelt talk does wonders. Can I just clarify? Are you your sons mum or dad?
Mom.
 

LuckiLee

MyPTSD Pro
Welcome to the forum.

Is this his first Christmas without Mom? That has to be bothering him. Just keep the communication open.

You're a good mom in a difficult situation. ✌

I may be a little confused with your family dynamics. 😉
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
Also, can you reach out, here and otherwise, so you have a support network to help you to be able to have support for yourself and as a mom?

Christmas/ New Years can be difficult, even without a pandemic. Kids look to adults to know/ 'feel' everything will be ok.
 

Friday

Moderator
SUCH a hard age.

Even if you were absolutely at the tippy top of your best A game? It would STILL be a heartbreakingly hard age... you “just” wouldn’t be gutted by guilt/ mom-guilt (worst super power ever!) /shame /regret AND dealing with serious illness (ptsd) on top of all the rest of it.

1. This age is brutal. Full stop. A zillion times worse than the toddler years because you can’t just pick them up and strap them in the car seat and go, or send them on timeout. They have to decide to XYZ. And yet? Developmentally it’s the same thing, advanced level. Independence, and hormones, and wildly out of control emotions as they learn to regulate with hormones, and and and and.

2. You survived the toddler years. And he still loved you. You will survive this. And he will still love you. (A lot of the tricks you had to use IN the toddler years to keep your sanity? Break those suckers back out again, and dust them off, because teenage girls get vicious🤬, but teenage boys break your heart 😭.)

((UPSIDE? Teenage girls tend to enter “the dark side” and don’t usually resurface again until their early 20s... AND are dealing with monthly hormonal surges that last weeks at a time, allowing fights/grudges/arguments/misunderstanding to fester & boil over for. freaking. ever. Teenage boys (and men) have the same hormone surges girls/women do BUT? Instead of a monthly cycle, it’s a 24 hour cycle. So a teen boy can lose their ever loving mind -because hormones- at 2pm and be a lovebug & totally smiley & calm & rational by 3pm. Meanwhile a girl smacked upside the head by the same hormones? Will be a PsychoBitchQueen for a week and a half. That doesn’t mean that boys don’t get angry/hurt for hours/days/weeks... but it does mean you’re not suffering through 10 days of hormone-related-humanity-loss, on top of whatever might be legitimate upset & not hormonal razing.))

3... TBA. I have to run, so I’d usually just save this as a draft and post when I can finish it. But I just wanted -mom of teenage boy to mom of teenage boy- to throw a hug your way ASAP. Because, yeah. It’s hard. BECAUSE you love him, and he loves you. Also because you love him? You’ll get through this.
 
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