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Advice on intimacy - Partner of 23 years had an affair.

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My partner of 23 years had an affair. I unfortanetly got to see all the correspondence between them. My spouse fulfilled my fantasies with the affair partner. Fantasies that were denied to me. My spouse called the affair partner my pet name. Shared all of our sexual intimacies with the affair partner and performed all our sexual experiences we had explored together with the affair partner and the one thing I had to give up for my spouse because they were not into that. My spouse decided to explore with the affair partner. My spouse used me to help with their family issues so that I would be out of the house so that the affair would happen in the house I bought for us in our bed. My spouse says I am the one the only one.

Well I call bullshit I said I do not want to do anything that they did with the affair partner all those things are off the table. I want my partner to show me one thing that they thought was special between us just us to special to share with the affair partner. They can't.

It's to hard to think of anything or I get everything was special. If everything was special than how could you look me in the eye and cheat on me for 35 days and have no remorse until yiur caught. How could you not care at all.

Am I being unreasonable should I swallow what is painful and know I am nothing special and stay because they say they love me? I know the answer. But I don't know if the answer is correct. I have trust issues and have had trauma in the past; obviously or I wouldn't be on here. Am I supposed to swallow the betrayal and act like all is well because they say they love me? Am I blinded by my past traumas? Is there really no love out there is it all a fantasy? Am I just a stupid empath?

I really need help with this because I am so torn with the hurt and my trauma judgement. Is this really a small mistake? I am told love doesn't exist like we see on TV. I can honestly say I felt love for my spouse which is what got me through the rough times. This is the first time I realized my spouse could not love me the same way. I know this because I have been tempted and could not go through with it because my spouse was in my mind. We are human but this affair lasted 35 days until I caught my spouse there was no sign of slowing down.

Do I have a distorted image of relationships? This has been a 2 year torture for me I have read hundreds of books but none relate to the spouse seeing more than they should it's all about letting go and finding each other's secretes and desires. We know our fantasies our sex life was open and intimate we had no problem communicating until now. Now I realize I wasn't good enough for my spouse to fullfil and explore with me that I can never trust the only person I have trusted in my life. And it's gone I am alone. There is nothing left and no point. We built our lives around each other we trusted each other we were stronger together. We supported each other...or so I thought. "Love Kills" for the people that do not know what that means it is from a song and a movie.

I am literally at the point I do not know what to do and do not know who to talk to and yes I have talked to therapists we have been to couples counseling and they all want us to do exercises to get to know each other like we are strangers.

What do you do when you know more about your spouse then your spouse does? Do I give up? Do I live this way? Has anyone else been through this. Does anyone know every single detail of their spouses affair. If so PLEASE HELP!
 
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The problem here isn't that your spouse is having sex with someone else. The problem is that they're lying to you. Do you want to be with a liar? That's something only you can decide. I'm polyamorous and if someone did this to me I would break up with them. They had plenty of opportunity to tell me the truth and I would have accepted their behavior because I don't experience jealousy, I experience compersion. This is a liar, and someone who does not value your feelings.
 
Do you feel like you can move forward and trust again and feel like you are special to them again?
What would that look like for you?

If that's not possible, why stay in what seems like a terrible emotional space? You deserve more than how this relationship is making you feel now. If it can't get better with them, maybe it can get better on your own and potentially with another new person?
 
Am I being unreasonable should I swallow what is painful and know I am nothing special and stay because they say they love me? I know the answer. But I don't know if the answer is correct. I have trust issues and have had trauma in the past; obviously or I wouldn't be on here. Am I supposed to swallow the betrayal and act like all is well because they say they love me? Am I blinded by my past traumas? Is there really no love out there is it all a fantasy? Am I just a stupid empath?
Responding to bold… Really? As I have no idea what that answer would be, because it’s going to be different for everyone, I’m curious what your answer would be.

Do I give up? Do I live this way? Has anyone else been through this.
For my own self, infidelity has become a dealbreaker.

It wasn’t always.

My exHusband’s first affair, to my own surprise, I forgave. I didn’t think I would, but I did.

It was a very conscious decision, and yep, it took the standard 2-5 years from the last ‘finding out’ for the whole true reconciliation process to shake itself out.

His many FOLLOWING affairs, I was no longer willing to attempt to forgive/reconcile our marriage… I simply demanded 10k & a monthly STD test per affair, as by that point the only reason I was staying in the marriage was for my kiddo, and my 2 big problems with his mistresses were no longer the infidelity -there was nothing left to betray, any trust/partnership between was dead- but was the money he spent on them, and the diseases he’d bring home. As we both wanted to stay married, for different reasons, it solved the only problems left. At least problems caused by his f*cking around. You may note he is my EX husband.

As I’m not willing to live that way, ever again? Honesty has become a hard limit for me. I honestly don’t care whether we’re in an open relationship, or a committed relationship. You’re my partner in crime, or you’re not. Full stop. Betray me, and we’re done. I’m perfectly happy being entirely black & white on the subject.

Which isn’t to say in another 20 years I may think/feel believe/behave differently. But for right now, for me in my life as it is? Cheating is a hard limit. You wanna sleep with someone else? Talk to me about it first, and maybe we can work something out. Maybe not. Either way, betraying my trust ends things between us.
 
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That is the thing, I have always said from the beginning never cheat on me respect me enough to talk to me about it first. But the head games are getting to me saying I am throwing everything away. And the back and forth. I said get out when I found out and because of covid we were stuck. The bad thing is I have traveled with work for years and you wait till I am stuck at home to have an affair. Which I am 100% sure is not the first. I think my gut is right there is nothing to work out because there is no trust. It's the gas lighting and stonewalling that makes it difficult.

The problem here isn't that your spouse is having sex with someone else. The problem is that they're lying to you. Do you want to be with a liar? That's something only you can decide. I'm polyamorous and if someone did this to me I would break up with them. They had plenty of opportunity to tell me the truth and I would have accepted their behavior because I don't experience jealousy, I experience compersion. This is a liar, and someone who does not value your feelings.
Yes I have always said if you are going to cheat talk to me first. And yiur right the living a double life which unfolded during this. The thing is the only reason I think I am valued is because I have always been the supporter. If they leave they get nothing. So maybe that is why trying to work things out is the option. I wasn't stupid I made triple coppries of everything incase we do not reconcile. But the mind games and feeling like 20+ years of your life was a lie is hard to swallow.

Do you feel like you can move forward and trust again and feel like you are special to them again?
What would that look like for you?

If that's not possible, why stay in what seems like a terrible emotional space? You deserve more than how this relationship is making you feel now. If it can't get better with them, maybe it can get better on your own and potentially with another new person?
I can't move forward without something being resolved. Example I asked for one thing that is special to show me something that was just ours somethingbthat you couldn't do with someone else because it would always make you think of me and the reply I got was everything. I said if that was the case you wouldn't have been able to cheat a one night stand maybe but 35 day affair come on. But thinking I wasted 20+ years with someone and that there is no one in my life that ever really cared about me or thought I was the one or even worth something really sucks. It's hard to wake up and realize no one in the 49 years you have been alive has ever cared about you. And I can honestly say that. So what is the point? I guess there is not one. And I guess hanging on to someone that acts like they care is worse. But sometimes you need to hear what other people think because of the head games being played and questioning your own sanity and reality..

I'm not sure why you're debating this. If my spouse had an affair I would be out like a rocket.
Because it's the realization 20+ years of your life was a lie.
 
Betray me, and we’re done. I’m perfectly happy being entirely black & white on the subject.

This is how I see it. And I would be doubly, triply pissed off if a partner did this to me because they already know they have the ability to just say "hey, I want to go f*ck that other person," and I would be like "cool, don't die and don't harm me [with STIs, blowing all our money, etc, same deal]." Even if they fell in love with another person, I'd be like "do you still love me? Cool. Say hi to Monica." So the fact that they'd feel the need to sneak around is an even bigger slap in the face, like the level of disrespect is so profound that the only explanation is that they get enjoyment out of lying and cheating. People rly don't realize this stuff is possible in open relationships, too. It's allll about the lying and betrayal. No thanx.
 
saying I am throwing everything away
I mean that's the thing: cheating is what did that. The thought and energy you are giving *not* to throw everything away, 2 years on, is what your partner should have done before cheating (did they do all this soul searching for 2 years that you are doing? I doubt it!). This is on them.
You're not unreasonable to end a relationship because of it.
 
But thinking I wasted 20+ years with someone and that there is no one in my life that ever really cared about me or thought I was the one or even worth something really sucks.
So are you saying here that this person NEVER showed you care, never did anything that was kind or showed you care? I would be out of there in a second if I was cheated on or lied to, but just because they've lied re: this, doesn't mean they haven't at some point cared.

Thinking that you've wasted ALL the time spent with this person is kind of an overreaction, in my view. Oh, I do it/say it all the time--my entire life has been a waste because I didn't do what I wanted--but it's not true. There are, in fact, things that were good, experiences that were valuable.
It's hard to wake up and realize no one in the 49 years you have been alive has ever cared about you. And I can honestly say that. So what is the point?
Really? No one? There is NO ONE in your entire life who has cared about you?

See...I say this to myself when I am facing a huge disappointment or another trauma. But it's not true, either. Like, even the people who hurt me cared about me at least some, at some point. I had teachers in high school that cared about me. I have to keep reminding myself that using words and phrases like "no one" only makes the current situation worse.

I can't move forward without something being resolved.
You don't *want* to, but sometimes we just have to. Because not everything gets resolved the way we need it to, right?
 
Words are cheap.

Follow the actions.

My ex would tell me “if I didn’t love you, would I be here?” And it made me so mad because he had the idea that all he had to do was show up and that was enough “effort” to put into a relationship. I was forced to do EVERYTHING and after awhile you realize you aren’t feeling wanted in the relationship. There was abuse and a lot of other BS I won’t get into here, but my point is that a guy telling you that he loves you is never enough to sustain a relationship. A real effort needs to be made, and your partner is not backing up his words with actions.
 
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