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Advice with partner, how to move forwards

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sleepingwolf

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I've had an 'interesting' few days with my partner and wanted to tell the story and look for any advice, reflections and suggestions from you guys out there. As background, I have CPTSD and am working well through recovery.

My partner has been suffering with anxiety for quite some time, and being distant, angry, against change...as well as being kind and nice sometimes too! I've been asking her, confronting her, persuading her for a few years to move forwards with it all, but she's seemed 'stuck' for a while now.

In her life there are two main issues she never really talks about. Her Dad died when she was 22, about 7 years ago now. Shortly after this she was date-raped on a night out with friends.

A few days ago she's been opening up about the sexual assault (with help of her therapy) and she's starting to realise the impact it's had on her. This is really great to see, but it's lead to another opening and deepening of her story too. Although at the minute she's not going there at all.

We talked about the affects of rape and assault, and how long term damage can be done. She also said during the conversation that she's 'scared of delving deeper incase I find something else'. She also said that some of the symptoms she's 'had her whole life'. For me, alarm bells started ringing.

A few days later we were talking about the date-rape experience again, whilst baking. She spilt some sauce and burst into hysterics, saying 'I've seen this happen before!'...talking about the spilt sauce...but...well, my spidey senses were right on edge!

This lead me to have some thoughts about their family. My experience, from CPTSD, is that I struggle to draw conclusions about people, events, situations, yet I also sense, intuit and absorb huge amounts of information. But I don't know how to translate it into a statement, or a realisation.

I've never met her father, he died before I met her. In the house she has no photos of him at all, she barely mentions him, has no 'shrine' or any real momento. Although she says she misses him. When I visit her Mum and Brother, its the same thing...only a few photos, no grand stories, no real talk at all...its like he's vanished.

From what they have said about him, it's really vague, like he was an ok guy who worked a lot, drank a few pints on the weekend, was a bit unhealthy and got sick from it. But from what I know about the other family members...the Mum has real anger, insecurity, control issues; the brother has violent anger issues that lead him to be T-toal (although this has never ever been discussed); my partner often says she struggles with anger, and she just got a phonecall from an old friend saying a few years ago her anger was really bad. Another addition, when we visit their wider family, there is a sense of falseness, of pretending, of 'let's be nice', which my partner seemingly believes is true!

From all this, I'm drawing a possibility that the father, at best, had real anger, insecurity and control issues, as well as a borderline 'middle-class alcoholism' problem; at worst, he was a violent, controlling, alcoholic, who may have caused trauma to my partner when she was a child?

Oh yes, and at the moment my partner and her family 'see' none of this. And I'm unsure what to do with the revelations and new insights that I now have.
 
I can say sexual assault can be extremely difficult to deal with and talk about. It's the most difficult/distressing aspect of my trauma. It's serious progress that I'm even able to mention it here on a relatively anonymous forum. I myself 'dont want to go there at all' pretty much constantly.

I can say it might not be the best idea to try to persuade her to say more about it or delve deeper into it herself. I think therapy would be the better place for her to do that. For me, delving deeper makes me more distressed, and makes my PTSD symptoms worse. It makes some of them evolve and become more complex.

Is she still going to a therapist? Has she considered that some of her general mental health issues may be related to trauma?
 
While you may think this is what happened.... Until there is absolute proof, don’t try and fill her head with any of your conclusions. Let her therapist work with her to try and uncover what her issues are.
 
Oh yes, and at the moment my partner and her family 'see' none of this. And I'm unsure what to do with the revelations and new insights that I now have.
There’s not really anything to do with your insights in regards to her. You can normalize her experiences and encourage she get therapy, and help her know lots of people see a therapist from time to time. However, she’s not your client. Don’t overly psychoanalyze your insights into her.
I've been asking her, confronting her, persuading her for a few years to move forwards with it all, but she's seemed 'stuck' for a while now.
This started to raise some concern for me... You don’t speak about boundaries of your own (which is about controlling our own behavior and managing our own limits) but trying to confront her to change, push her through her recovery process.
A few days ago she's been opening up about the sexual assault (with help of her therapy) and she's starting to realise the impact it's had on her. This is really great to see, but it's lead to another opening and deepening of her story too. Although at the minute she's not going there at all.
This expands my concern, not about her, but you. Pushing so far for someone to open up and share traumatic material is an inivitatoon for symptoms to get worse.

It’s wonderful she opened up about the assault, and frankly, it’s healthy and normal that she now needs a little space on the subject. Facing a sexual assault over and over day after day could quickly lead to destabilization. The fact that you seem discouraged she won’t continue to talk again about it just a few days later actually makes me wonder about unresolved work and anxiety you have underneath it all.

I do think there is something to do with your insights: reflect on your own journey.

In my own recovery process there have been times where I will struggle with another person’s “stuckness” in their own recovery. I use those moments as a chance to do more work on myself. Not to push or confront the other person. It may instead be a sign I need to keep better boundaries if there is a behavioral issue, but most often, there is some hurt or pain if my own being stirred up that makes it really hard to see someone else stuck.

In regards to her, if her anger and other symptoms are negatively impacting your relationship, then work in your own therapy on setting boundaries. Again, this isn’t about controlling her recovery, but your limits - and it is more likely to lead to her getting “unstuck” and dealing with her own stuff.

Otherwise, if you can, I’d see this as a achance for you to work on the DBT skill of greater radical acceptance and non-judgement about her recovery process not being as fast as you would like. This isn’t about accepting behaviors that are beyond your limits to handle in your life - but it is about recognizing that everyone’s recovery process is going to look different, and is going to happen at different rates and timing that your own.
 
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Thanks for those comments, they really help and have helped. I agree with them all.

I can see that its a lot about how I feel about it. I can see there is a mix of needing better boundaries, and it stirring up a lot of pain in myself.
I guess it highlights the places where I need to move forwards and open up to.

I don't have a family of my own at the moment and so can struggle to find places and people of care, support, inspiration and positivity. I think I want them from her, and so get a bit desperate to help her, so she can help me. Although it doesn't feel this way at the time!

I think the situation also reminds me of myself a few years ago, before I met her. This was a difficult time and I lost a great deal of friends, family and possessions.

I think seeing her this way also reminds me of my mother, who I guess I'm realising behaved in a similar way.

Gosh, well, thats a lot to digest.

Thanks guys!

I guess I don't trust people either. I know I need to work on that.
 
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It will be hard to not interfere with her issues. Biting your tongue and drinking lots of blood will probably be the only way to go for awhile. I know how hard it is to SEE something and they don’t. But it isn’t your place to point these things out to her. She needs to see them on her own...
 
I think I want them from her, and so get a bit desperate to help her, so she can help me. Although it doesn't feel this way at the time!
This actually happens a lot when relationships start to slide towards co-dependency. (Such an easy slide too... been there myself.)

What you need and want are good things, it’s just that trying to change her to get them... isn’t likely to get you there.

You have a lot of great insight into your own recovery: keep focusing your efforts there.
 
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