sleepingwolf
Learning
I've had an 'interesting' few days with my partner and wanted to tell the story and look for any advice, reflections and suggestions from you guys out there. As background, I have CPTSD and am working well through recovery.
My partner has been suffering with anxiety for quite some time, and being distant, angry, against change...as well as being kind and nice sometimes too! I've been asking her, confronting her, persuading her for a few years to move forwards with it all, but she's seemed 'stuck' for a while now.
In her life there are two main issues she never really talks about. Her Dad died when she was 22, about 7 years ago now. Shortly after this she was date-raped on a night out with friends.
A few days ago she's been opening up about the sexual assault (with help of her therapy) and she's starting to realise the impact it's had on her. This is really great to see, but it's lead to another opening and deepening of her story too. Although at the minute she's not going there at all.
We talked about the affects of rape and assault, and how long term damage can be done. She also said during the conversation that she's 'scared of delving deeper incase I find something else'. She also said that some of the symptoms she's 'had her whole life'. For me, alarm bells started ringing.
A few days later we were talking about the date-rape experience again, whilst baking. She spilt some sauce and burst into hysterics, saying 'I've seen this happen before!'...talking about the spilt sauce...but...well, my spidey senses were right on edge!
This lead me to have some thoughts about their family. My experience, from CPTSD, is that I struggle to draw conclusions about people, events, situations, yet I also sense, intuit and absorb huge amounts of information. But I don't know how to translate it into a statement, or a realisation.
I've never met her father, he died before I met her. In the house she has no photos of him at all, she barely mentions him, has no 'shrine' or any real momento. Although she says she misses him. When I visit her Mum and Brother, its the same thing...only a few photos, no grand stories, no real talk at all...its like he's vanished.
From what they have said about him, it's really vague, like he was an ok guy who worked a lot, drank a few pints on the weekend, was a bit unhealthy and got sick from it. But from what I know about the other family members...the Mum has real anger, insecurity, control issues; the brother has violent anger issues that lead him to be T-toal (although this has never ever been discussed); my partner often says she struggles with anger, and she just got a phonecall from an old friend saying a few years ago her anger was really bad. Another addition, when we visit their wider family, there is a sense of falseness, of pretending, of 'let's be nice', which my partner seemingly believes is true!
From all this, I'm drawing a possibility that the father, at best, had real anger, insecurity and control issues, as well as a borderline 'middle-class alcoholism' problem; at worst, he was a violent, controlling, alcoholic, who may have caused trauma to my partner when she was a child?
Oh yes, and at the moment my partner and her family 'see' none of this. And I'm unsure what to do with the revelations and new insights that I now have.
My partner has been suffering with anxiety for quite some time, and being distant, angry, against change...as well as being kind and nice sometimes too! I've been asking her, confronting her, persuading her for a few years to move forwards with it all, but she's seemed 'stuck' for a while now.
In her life there are two main issues she never really talks about. Her Dad died when she was 22, about 7 years ago now. Shortly after this she was date-raped on a night out with friends.
A few days ago she's been opening up about the sexual assault (with help of her therapy) and she's starting to realise the impact it's had on her. This is really great to see, but it's lead to another opening and deepening of her story too. Although at the minute she's not going there at all.
We talked about the affects of rape and assault, and how long term damage can be done. She also said during the conversation that she's 'scared of delving deeper incase I find something else'. She also said that some of the symptoms she's 'had her whole life'. For me, alarm bells started ringing.
A few days later we were talking about the date-rape experience again, whilst baking. She spilt some sauce and burst into hysterics, saying 'I've seen this happen before!'...talking about the spilt sauce...but...well, my spidey senses were right on edge!
This lead me to have some thoughts about their family. My experience, from CPTSD, is that I struggle to draw conclusions about people, events, situations, yet I also sense, intuit and absorb huge amounts of information. But I don't know how to translate it into a statement, or a realisation.
I've never met her father, he died before I met her. In the house she has no photos of him at all, she barely mentions him, has no 'shrine' or any real momento. Although she says she misses him. When I visit her Mum and Brother, its the same thing...only a few photos, no grand stories, no real talk at all...its like he's vanished.
From what they have said about him, it's really vague, like he was an ok guy who worked a lot, drank a few pints on the weekend, was a bit unhealthy and got sick from it. But from what I know about the other family members...the Mum has real anger, insecurity, control issues; the brother has violent anger issues that lead him to be T-toal (although this has never ever been discussed); my partner often says she struggles with anger, and she just got a phonecall from an old friend saying a few years ago her anger was really bad. Another addition, when we visit their wider family, there is a sense of falseness, of pretending, of 'let's be nice', which my partner seemingly believes is true!
From all this, I'm drawing a possibility that the father, at best, had real anger, insecurity and control issues, as well as a borderline 'middle-class alcoholism' problem; at worst, he was a violent, controlling, alcoholic, who may have caused trauma to my partner when she was a child?
Oh yes, and at the moment my partner and her family 'see' none of this. And I'm unsure what to do with the revelations and new insights that I now have.