Afraid To Get Say What I'm Really Thinking

[Trinket]

I just want to die and for all of this to be over, but I know I can't do that because my son needs me. He is the only thing I have, the only reason I get out of bed in the morning and attempt to do things and the only reason I smile. I sometimes don't know how much of a service I do him though. I am not the world's best mom, as far as having energy and being a good cook-doing the "mom" stuff. That was never really shown to me.

I've isolated myself from everyone, never really made time for friends..now I'm in trouble at work and also have so much debt. On Saturday, I couldn't stop crying and wishing it was just all over. My son was with his dad and I wanted to go to the urgent care and get some help before he came home the next day. I was just so scared that they would ask me if I wanted to hurt myself and then I would say yes and get admitted and then his dad would think I am a bad parent and try to take him away. So I'm here, still feeling pretty miserable and don't know what to do.

 

[Ronin]

I sometimes don't know how much of a service I do him though.

Ally, you're so much more than what you can do for him.

You're his Mother. Irreplaceable. Beyond every and any act you'll do for him, just by who you are. He needs you.

I am not the world's best mom

It isn't a competition, ever.

You're the Mom that does all you can in times you really can't. Other moms that never had to deal with that, pale in comparison: you're doing so much more, because all of those obstacles are in your way, yet you move them aside by activity, and thinking of activity and caring when you can't do physically.

now I'm in trouble at work and also have so much debt.

Small bits: How can you make the work less stressful for you? Are there any accomodations? Do you have anyone as a trusted colleague that could support you through this, someone you could work at that trust?

Debts: How are your plans for dealing with it / anywhere better terms you could take a loan / is asking for financial assistance anywhere else an option?

So I'm here, still feeling pretty miserable and don't know what to do.

Are there any single mothers / women specifically, units of psychiatric care where you're at?

Someone who'd have experience dealing with specifically female population & needs, who could assist you in not being separated from your son and your mental health needs used against you?

 

[Trinket]

@Cashew thank you very much for your kind, encouraging words. This means so much. I'm trying not to be so hard on myself and just take things one step at a time. I don't really have anyone at work, it's kind of a newer job and I'm not off probation yet, and I'm really not sure about my options for reducing financial pressure...it just seems like when it rains it pours and I do a horrible job of handling the most minute amount of stress. I did start seeing a therapist again a few weeks ago, so I hope this helps too..