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Afraid to live

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Insearchof

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I just got back from my T's. I have recently been diagnosed with PTSD which is chronic. I have had chronic anxiety / nervousness / panic since a small child. I am now in my late 40s. A lot of nurture and I am sure some nature involved. My PTSD has come to a head recently as 2 situations have put me into daily morning panic attacks. Since age 3 I used food to cope. Then added drugs and alcohol at age 13. This past November my 16 year old said he wanted to kill himself which I directed hate toward myself as I have been emotionally abusive at times. So I began to beat the shit out myself. Then a week later it was brought to my attention that my small business that I bought 2 years ago and avoided running it properly was in crisis. You see, that's what I have done my entire life, avoid. I avoid when to stay in comfort. I have been clean and sober for 2 years now and not used food addictively for 7 months. As it was brought up today at my therapist appointment, it has been revealed that I do not know how to cope with the problems of life in a healthy way. My T says we can't work on the past yet because we need to work on the present. But it scares the shit out of me living in the present because the present is reality and by not using anything to medicate it makes me vulnerable and with vulnerabilty comes pain. This is the first time in my life that I have not used a substance, or anger, or avoidance to not feel, and it is scary.
 
One step at a time, moving forward slowly. I know this may sound overly simplistic, but it’s what I do... It’s too overwhelming to think of the bigger picture so I just focus on smaller things.
 
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