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General Afraid to love with ptsd?

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Love and PTSD?
I didn't sign up for this. But love happens and the heart wants what it wants.
I want this spread to be for all of us sufferers and supporters, as we are all in this, love game, together. A place where we can talk about " Why Love Hurts" us so much and " Why we are afraid to open up and fully love someone" and " Why is Love more complicated with PTSD"?
Please share your thoughts sufferers, why is it so hard for you to open up, fully commit,
trust, and let yourself fall in love? Why do you feel the need to be cautious about falling in love with someone and getting in the relationship?
 
I do. I like to have many friends and help lots of people if I can. Usually the other person doesn’t understand why I’m not terribly close at first but I like to first be friends for a long period and get to know each other and our dynamic as I open up more and more.

I like my freedom but am loyal and love unconditionally but I never quite expect that in return. I respect boundaries and tend to have those at first as well. I don’t try to possess my partner I find that game to be lacking freedom and boundaries.

I like my love to be my best friend and free to do what they want and that takes a lot of time getting to know one another.

This doesn’t always work out but in the end we remain amazing friends.
 
@Justmehere hit it pretty much dead on --vulnerability is dangerous.

One thing I've learned about the cause of ptsd is that people who develop it generally had to manage whatever caused it on their own, with out support. For me that meant learning I had to watch my own back, not trust anyone else to save me, and keep moving so that I didn't get "caught". Makes it hard to bond with others when you are constantly assessing what their threat potential is.

I've been lucky that I've been able to hold some long term relationships - but if they are going to end it is always because of my lack of trust and inability to be really vulnerable. Hubby and I have been married 20+ years and we still struggle with that. For example, he knows the general reasons I have ptsd but I don't trust him with the details. Why? I have no idea.

I think the supporters who can tough it out and still stick around are amazing and deserve way more credit than they get.
 
I think it depends on the cause of their ptsd.
Some people‘s ptsd was caused by the fact somebody whom they loved tried to hurt them. They cannot trust again. But yours is a Vet and I think this does not play a role in this case.
Some people have lost somebody they loved and they never want to go through that feeling again. So better no attach to another human being to closely. You might loose him.
Some people with ptsd have lost somebody and wrongly blame what happened on them when this might not even be true. They think „I might be unable to protect those who trust in me from being hurt. People should not trust in me because I am not trustworthy“
 
A place where we can talk about " Why Love Hurts" us so much

Thank you for this topic. I was married for thirty six years to one man a vet. It was love at first sight for the both of us but we both had untreated PTSD did not know at the time that we both could benefit from treatment or needed it either.

It takes me a few years to really get to know a person, I have learned about myself and we had alot of fun and good times and a lot of bad ones too. But we both were a great team together. He and I were soulmates and completely devoted to each other.

He has died from being sick five years ago now. I am finally healed and recovered from this great loss. I will not open up myself again because my husband is not replaceable. I could not find another good man like him. But I am content with my love for him and my good memories.

There are a lot of different loves and one thing I have learned this last year is that love cannot be destroyed or killed if it is real and for me it is. I love my family of my daughter and two kids my grandkids.

I have real life friends but have a lot of safe distance between us and do not want intimacy with them. I am very self protective of me now. I am interested in what the others have to say about this topic.

I think that when I have been deeply hurt by someone I love, it is a pretty deep pain and I do grieve over being vulnerable and so rejected at times. This is hard to bear for me. But time, distance, hate, betrayal, emotional verbal abuse cannot kill off my love for the person that I love. It is a complete mystery to me why this is so.
 
I am not a vet and will happily be corrected on the vet aspect of this but this is my guess/take on it;
  • Trauma reactions come with a few things. Some of them are directly related to the details of that persons trauma and others are general. Anything that arises from interpersonal interactions can affect how one sees other human beings and therefore complicate love. At a guess most of what happens for vets comes under the interpersonal bracket. Some people have had care-givers, loved ones, or others in positions of esteem or power abuse their trust or love and that potentially increases the difficulties they have will love. The more the more complicated. But personality makes a big difference too. We all react differently. Some with great distrust always and others seem to have an endless supply of it somehow. But hidden triggers can hide in human interaction when there is history of any sort so relationships can be tricky as a result. Landmines.
  • Then we get to the general stuff like hypervigilance. That is a core part of PTSD. And unfortunately it comes with an innate sense of needing to watch your back which again is not terrible helpful in relationships. Other things too but that should suffice.
Not saying its not possible. It certainly absolutely is. Just that there are challenges.
 
Please share your thoughts sufferers, why is it so hard for you to open up, fully commit,
trust, and let yourself fall in love?
...

I had a boyfriend awhile back and after I had been in the Hospital, he had all kinds of questions. I had just disclosed to him, a few weeks before the hospitalization, that I had mental illness. I did not elaborate on what kind. I know he was trying to be supportive and all that, after I had been in the H., but he was demanding too much of my time. I have a job. I like my alone time. He kept calling and calling. He wanted to get married, way before we knew much about one another at all. I just got spooked, I guess. It was all too much, too fast. I'm not even sure if I ever want to get married again, ever. I am a widow now. Being a widow is tough. My husband and I were married for about 23 years. I'm not sure I could get used to anyone else. I am mid trauma therapy also. This is not a time in my therapy where I should be devoting lots of time to a relationship. I write and paint during the week, between sessions, to express my emotions and feelings and what is going on in my life. I do this for my therapist and she is very much in favor of my doing it and spending time on it. Having a boyfriend just interfered with all that. It was just one too many things for me. I had to let him go. I was not the right woman for him. He needs a wife, not a PTSD girlfriend. That is just the way it is.
 
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