DID After all those years... How can I gather these parts ? I want to feel complete.

[Prettybluerose]

Hi guys !

Forgive my broken English, I am French and right now, I'm deploring a lack of my usual skills.

Suffering since childhood, still struggling but happy to finally find out why there's no way I can define or describe myself as far as I can remember. Why so fickle...

I had many traumas and some of them were so violent but still, seems like nothing could never be enough to explain why my whole life is such a mess and why I feel so weak and needy.

I've had many diagnoses but I guess the last one has been the hardest to find out.

It's been difficult but I'm finally admitting I do have DID. I grew up thinking I was the problem when the problem was, in fact, what has been done to me.

For now, I can't say " we ". I feel that if I did so, it would amplify all the symptoms. I don't like to use the word alters, that is less scary for me to say that I have " parts ". I just don't know how many...

All I dream of is not having those amnesias... As a child, I was what you would call gifted so realising that I do forget more than some 80 years old is like soar in my mouth.

My level of dissociation is so high that I could be able to confuse dream with reality. My remembers are made of clouds... My mind is constantly elsewhere... Stuck somewhere...

They say soul is is the body but it feels like mine is anywhere but inside !

And there is this 5 to 7 years old who said she's fronting because she's bored. She only fronts with family, kids or few people she is comfortable with.

Also, there's the cool one. Kind but colder than what I am. Not as much empathy as I do, lucky her when one knows how tiring empathy can be at his most ! She dares to say things and she can get loud if she needs to.

My favourite is the one that is clever, eloquent, and well assured. Always ready to help others. She's respectful of her limits and is well balanced.

There is a part I hate. Or should I say that I used to hate... She has a lack a confidence that makes me hungry. When she talks you can tell she is vulnerable. She often looks down instead of looking people in the eyeball. She's almost sorry to be alive !

And there is the neutral one about who I have nothing to say.

All I want is that nightmare to be done ! I would like to go home... By home, I mean, to a state where I was feeling complete and this must have been before I was born !

I'm looking for some support guys. I will be operated soon and I may have cancer. Analyses will tell...

How can I gather these parts ? I would like to improve before I meet with health workers before the end of holidays.

Can you give me some tips ? If you have any question, just ask. Maybe it will force me to get to know myself better.

Thank you.

 

[Sideways]

Can you give me some tips ?

Working closely with the person who diagnosed you with DID, or a dissociative specialist that they can refer you to would be incredibly helpful.

My hot tip for managing parts, which is the same hot tip that all my dissociative specialists have really focused on, is internal communication. Making sure it’s happening routinely, that it’s a healthy dialogue.

 

[Prettybluerose]

Thank you for answering.

What if they don't want to communicate ? Sometimes, one part pops up, says something and then disappears.

 

[Lightblues]

What if they don't want to communicate ? Sometimes, one part pops up, says something and then disappears.

Hi! I am not currently diagnosed with DID, but C-PTSD, but I am well aware of , and have been told by therapists that I have DID with many alters.

I have found that communication is the key to co- operate better and thereby feel better/ be a bit more functional.

Some days, or weeks and months it is really hard to reach the alters. It leaves me/ us inside feel at loss and alone.

I have tried writing to them, and got replies, signed with names I didn’t and still do not know. This was at the beginning of my healing, about 25 years ago.

You can leave a note - book or paper in the room, with a pen , and for instance say outloud that they are welcome to respond, if they are.

Or, put a note up on the wall that you want to talk to them, in a safe way, without them sending menories , or too intense feelings, for instance.

One has to be a bit careful when doing this though, as you can be flooded by voices, thoughts and even images / flashbacks of things, trauma they might hold.
I have been most of my life.
I think it is good to have therapeutic help , or other knowledgeble support as a back- up then.

Often I try to build relationships with them by saying ” Good morning all alters!” and ” Good night” outloud. They give me this fuzzy warm feeling then, as a response , and sometimes some words inside the head they want to share.

Maybe you want to tell them, and let it be known inside, that you want to get to know your alters, and to talk to them, if you haven’t.
Please do be careful though, as there might be reasons for the amnesiac barriers to be up. So as not to get overwhelmed or flooded.

Maybe add , when talking to them ” No one Has to talk, but you are more than welcome to if you want to”?

I too often have parts who come forward and say something, and then disappear.
It can feel most of all sad , and frustrating to me not to know , or talk to those alters. Maybe invite them , outloud, to talk to you again?

Lightblues

 

[arfie]

i don't suffer DID, but i was born, 69 years ago, into a broken life full of holes where family and community SHOULD have been. i understand that craving to feel complete, all too well and don't have any fast or easy answers on how to accomplish feeling complete. at present, i am working on radical acceptance and mindfully loving myself just the way i am, broken parts and all.

for what it's worth
the inner child theories have been one of the cornerstones of my own recovery. within that therapy, i have learned how to let my inner child (mini me) have her voice in most all of my affairs. no one who knows me is ever surprised when i burst out into childish song and/or tantrum. take what you like and leave the rest.

 

[Prettybluerose]

Thank you Lightblues ! I'll keep your advices in mind as I'm going to be operated soon which implies anxiety so I'm not sure it's the right moment to have a proper conversation... But thanks, I'll think about it.

Why is it so important to have inter-communication ? Trying to communicate makes it feel even more real...!

Thanks arfie.

How can I love myself when someone's making fun of me and I can't defend myself because the " victim " is fronting and laughing with the one who's disrespected me ?

That happened today... If I was complete, none of that would have happened. But toxic people can smell my victim aura from far away... That guy talked to me about becoming an adult... He made allusion to my child part...

 

[Sideways]

Why is it so important to have inter-communication ?

My parts take over and front when they don’t trust me to handle a situation in a way that makes them feel safe.

So, to make sure the whole of me feels safe, I need to talk to, and listen to, the whole of me.

If I reach out to my parts, I won’t always get a response. But that’s how relationships work. Sometimes, just the effort of “I’m still here, I’m still listening” can be incredibly powerful. Especially with parts who haven’t really experienced safe, dependable, consistent people in their lives before.

 

[whiteraven]

For now, I can't say " we ". I feel that if I did so, it would amplify all the symptoms. I don't like to use the word alters, that is less scary for me to say that I have " parts ". I just don't know how many...

It's your choice whether you want to use "we" or not. I don't use "alter;" my preferred term is "insider." And I used to use "we" just around my therapist and a friend or two, but don't anymore.

I would like to go home... By home, I mean, to a state where I was feeling complete and this must have been before I was born !

At first, it can be hard and feel very destabilizing. But with a lot of work, you can get to a point where you feel whole.

How can I gather these parts ? I would like to improve before I meet with health workers before the end of holidays.

It often takes a long time and a lot of work. Are you working with a therapist who knows and understands DID?

My hot tip for managing parts, which is the same hot tip that all my dissociative specialists have really focused on, is internal communication.

Completely agree with this. Learning to communicate was THE most important thing in achieving cooperation and peace.

What if they don't want to communicate ? Sometimes, one part pops up, says something and then disappears.

As I mentioned above, it often takes a long while to begin communicating with each other effectively. How long ago was it that you were diagnosed?

Why is it so important to have inter-communication ? Trying to communicate makes it feel even more real...!

Allowing and encouraging communication says to everyone that you are accepting and willing to work with them. It helps you learn more about them--their likes, dislikes, the trauma they hold--and them about you and each other. It's been the only way for me to get some peace.

And there is this 5 to 7 years old who said she's fronting because she's bored. She only fronts with family, kids or few people she is comfortable with.

For example, with this one, I'd want to find out what kinds of things she likes. Videos? Coloring? Reading? Playing in the sand? Taking walks? Pets? Once you find that out, you can help her not be so bored.

Also, @Lightblues has some good tips for communication!

 

[Prettybluerose]

Thank you Sideways, it's good to know you have parts that can handle situations. I wish I had a protective part... Doesn't seem like.

When I feel unsafe most of the time it is the victim one who appears ! And it doesn't make any sense for me.
More rarely, I don't recognise myself and yell toward people who are aggressive toward me. Only happened a few time but I don't think that's a part otherwise why not appear in every situation I am disturbed by ?

From what you say, I guess, it is then normal to not always have a response. It's weird how sometimes you can feel like another person's energy and it's keeps you company and then other time, seems like everybody's sleeping.

Whiteraven, thanks for trying to help me.

Anyways, all I do since childhood is struggling so here we go again, I will struggle in order to feel complete or pray so life ends sooner than what has been planned.

I've met a therapist who told me about me having parts. And I was like, I do have all kind of diagnosis but if there is one I can't have is DID... That was until my cousins (14, 12 and 8) told me that my voice isn't the same depending on the day.
They told me, when you are with us, you seem to be a kid but when you are with adults you are an adult.
Then I started thinking about what that therapist told me (I don't see her anymore). I've seen videos of me in which I can't recognise myself. I literally sound like a 7 years old.
My mum point out the fact that I do forget in a way that is gives her reasons to be worried. I've noticed that sometimes remembers I thought I hadn't seems to escape from the box they were in so I can have access to them. And then, I forget again.
When I speak to people I don't know well, I dissociate a lot and I can't remember what was said at all. Can't remember some people I've met. I have always wondered why several handwritings...

So I started to admit what she told me was true...


I see a new therapist specialised in trauma because the doctor who will operate me told me I shouldn't give up and find some support, she has sent me there. But don't know if she knows about DID as in France, many professionals doubt about the fact DID does exist.

I'm not sure my psychiatrist take it seriously... I'm afraid of talking with him about it as he may say : DID doesn't exist or we don't know much about it or you're faking it...

The fact is when I'm the adult, cold one, I've tried to sound like a kid but my mum and I find that it looks like an adult trying to act like child.

When the little one is here, things are totally different.

 

[Lightblues]

When I feel unsafe most of the time it is the victim one who appears ! And it doesn't make any sense for me.

That makes a lot of sense, I think.
When we were victimized we felt unsafe, so the same ’ mode ’ or part comes forward in a similar situation . Pulled out by whatever reminds them of,maybe the past.

I can relate a lot to this. I don’t like the fact that I function that way, as it leads me to feel very uncertain and ’ victimized ’ inside / feelings of being inferior even in the present.
It would be more convinient to have parts who are self assure front or be present then, though.

More rarely, I don't recognise myself and yell toward people who are aggressive toward me.

Sounds like that you, ( maybe with help from someone inside?) are scared or triggered by the aggressiveness and defend yourself then . That would make a lot of sense, I think.

Only happened a few time but I don't think that's a part otherwise why not appear in every situation I am disturbed by ?

Maybe, if it is a part, he or she doesn’t feel it is necessesary to come forward every time? Maybe, if a part, that part thinks you can handle some of the situations you encounter, so stays inside?

I see a new therapist specialised in trauma because the doctor who will operate me told me I shouldn't give up and find some support, she has sent me there.

Good to read that you have a trauma therapist! That can really help a lot, to get the best help.
It makes a huge difference if they specialize in trauma, I think. To avoid pitfalls and just to be, and feel seen and understood in your past and present situation.

But don't know if she knows about DID as in France, many professionals doubt about the fact DID does exist.
I'm not sure my psychiatrist take it seriously... I'm afraid of talking with him about it as he may say : DID doesn't exist or we don't know much about it or you're faking it...

I would definetely say be open about the DID and your experiences with it, the symptoms you have, what your family reports about it, and how you feel.
Hopefully , if nothing else that would give the therapist and psychiatrist a way to give you the right help.
I know it can be scary to open up though.

I, or we inside saw a therapist who specializes in trauma for five years, when we started to process the past traumas, and sadly she knew very little about DID. There were misunderstandings when some alters said something I was not aware of, and the therapist accused me of lying about something, which was not true. I just didn’t know the whole picture, didn’t have the information about the past my alters had.
She did have a supervisor though, who helped out.

Hopefully, your therapist is knowledgeble about DID. Some therapists are really good with it, some even specializes in DID, or have worked with many DID- people / DID - clients before.

Lightblues

 

[Prettybluerose]

That makes a lot of sense, I think.
When we were victimized we felt unsafe, so the same ’ mode ’ or part comes forward in a similar situation . Pulled out by whatever reminds them of,maybe the past.

I can relate a lot to this. I don’t like the fact that I function that way, as it leads me to feel very uncertain and ’ victimized ’ inside / feelings of being inferior even in the present.
It would be more convinient to have parts who are self assure front or be present then, though.

I understand what you mean but isn't the purpose of these parts to protect me ?

Maybe, if it is a part, he or she doesn’t feel it is necessesary to come forward every time? Maybe, if a part, that part thinks you can handle some of the situations you encounter, so stays inside?

It's disturbing to not be able to know who I will react to different situations. Everybody has a part of unknown about themselves. In my case, it is huge gaps of unknown !

Thank you for the advices. I'll try to talk about it and if professionals seem sceptical, I just won't talk about it anymore.

I'm glad she understood that depending on the insider, you don't have the whole picture. Do you see a new therapist ?

Sorry it took so long because I respond but I've been operated. It lasted 5 hours ! In a month, I will know the results of the analyses. I have to prepare myself mentally as I may have chemotherapy.

I wonder who are the people who want to live forever... Stronger, crazier or luckier than me, probably...

 

[Lightblues]

I understand what you mean but isn't the purpose of these parts to protect me ?

Hi again!
That is difficult for you.
Oh, of course the parts are there to protect you. Sometimes it seems like dissociation doesn’t work the same from one time to the other I think. Our psyches are very complicated.
Sometimes that fact buggs me to no end.

It is very hard to know , or figure out how to be in the world, and also move forward when I don’t know what is what / who inside react to what, and sometimes why.

To me there is plenty that is unknown inside. A myriad of alters/ parts and fragments.
I have been told that most of them love me, want to protect me, and to be in touch.
Some want to stay hidden , go unnoticed and just be there to help.
I have been told by outsiders who talked to them that the some of thealters want to be one with me again.
I feel, now that I have accepted that I am a multiple, that I and the alters and fragments belong together.
Life is very hard and complicated when disconnected from them.
It is like night and day.

I have been told about my alters, but many of them I haven’t been able to reach or talk to.
They have come forward/ fronted in therapy, and, in the past when out and about, so strangers on the street wanted to help.

It's disturbing to not be able to know who I will react to different situations.

I can imagine it must be very disturbing.

I can somewhat relate to how you / a part react allthough these days I am co- conscious when it happens.

We can dissociate / almost go away , and snap at people when triggered, if we feel offended or mistteated in some way. Those triggers are huge, reminds me and us of the past.
I always feel stupid or guilty afterwards, wish we/ parts didn’t react to whatever was going on.
At the time we can’t help it though.

Everybody has a part of unknown about themselves. In my case, it is huge gaps of unknown !

Yes, here too, I have realized.
I too used to not know that I am a multiple. It scared me to no end, at the beginning when I was told.
I didn’t want to live/ decided to end my life.
Then I came out of the denial , a few years ago ( started to become co- conscious with a few alters) and was euphoric about the fact that I am not alone , and how they ( most of them) had helped me survive all my life.

Thank you for the advices. I'll try to talk about it and if professionals seem sceptical, I just won't talk about it anymore.

I sure hope the professionals you will meet are knowledgeble and don’t dismiss you.

I find it easy to keep quiet and shut down if and when not believed.

Sometimes there is only so much outside ’ evidence’ as DID is designed to go unnoticed. Also many professionals here believe that DID is ’ extremely rare’. Or they don’t believe it exist at all, as you mentioned earlier.

I hope you don’t give up on getting proper help though. You deserve the right type of help, someone / a professional who gets it.!

I'm glad she understood that depending on the insider, you don't have the whole picture. Do you see a new therapist ?

No therapist right now, only a psych- nurse who knows nothing about multiplicity .
I have a hard time trusting people, and therapists/ people set to help me, in general.
I don’t trust that they could help.
I feel way too complicated inside and sadly have dropped out of therapy due to that.

The trust- issues in us are huge, due to the childhood traumas.
Some therapists have been helpful, or semi- helpful. Helped me become more whole, and ’ more me’ and aware of , for instance the past.

I often I had a hard time being open with the doctors and therapists about my needs/ wishes, what I expected/ wanted from therapy,/ in gerneral, though .

Some of the therapists I have seen had very limited knowledge about DID.
Also I have tried hard to present as one, deny the others/ insiders, even to myself.
It has been like leading two, or more, parallell lives.
Very confusing not to know what happened, allthough I do have recurrent flashbacks of some of it.

Sorry it took so long because I respond but I've been operated.

I have been thinking of you, hoping the surgery went well / OK for you.

It lasted 5 hours ! In a month, I will know the results of the analyses. I have to prepare myself mentally as I may have chemotherapy.

What an ordeal! Also not to know the outcome.
Kudos for making it through the surgery!
Some people sadly have to be stronger than / endure more than others.

I wonder who are the people who want to live forever... Stronger, crazier or luckier than me, probably...

I relate. Life sure can be increadibly rough, ( and that is an understatement ). Sometimes it seems/ feels confusing and almost impossible to handle, and to cope.

Personaly I want to live, but not when things are the way they are.

Do hang in there! Things will work out, one way or the other. In some strange way they always do, in the end, I think.
Allthough we do struggle.

Kind thoughts Lightblues