After Going Dormant For 2 Years My CPTSD Has Come Roaring Back

David1959

Confident
After about 12 months of weekly therapy I finally arrived at a place where I could make peace with my childhood traumas, at least enough to live my life. When I entered therapy I was severely depressed as my 40+ year secret that I had basically disassociated for my entire life came pouring out that I was sexually abused by a pedophile from ages 10-12. I never told anyone and just buried it.

Working with my therapist what came out was way more than I anticipated or even understood. Yes I was abused from 10-12 but what I did not understand is that was only the base trauma. What she was able to bring out and help me analyze was the fact that I did not have the normal childhood I thought I had. In reality the traumas continued until I was at least 18. These were not physical or sexual abuse but rather environmental instability.

The reasons were many, my parents where both good people and I loved them and they loved me but I realize now that they had their own issues to deal with and because I was not the type of child to complain or be demanding I think they did not realize that I needed help and guidance. I was like a wild weed growing in the garden. It was actually this instability added to my abuse (which they were unaware of) which compounded the Phsyc damage.

I am now at a spot that the depression has got a hold of me again and I am not even able to function normally. My attention span and concentration is all but zip and I have lost my center, my sense of self. I no longer know who I am because who I thought I was for 40+ years was wrong.

I have an appt with my T in two weeks the first in about a year.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
to the best of my knowledge, there is no cure for ptsd. the best we can do is manage the symptoms. a daily inventory helps me be aware of when a relapse is in progress. when i can catch the relapse early, it is just a bump in the road.

you don't say what triggered the relapse.
 

Sideways

Moderator
I am now at a spot that the depression has got a hold of me again and I am not even able to function normally.
Can you remember the skills and tools you used to overcome your symptoms last time round? Those things will still be effective for you, so even though your symptoms have returned, you aren't back at square 1. You're armed in advance this time round.

Hope the appointment is productive. Having symptoms return is shit.
 

David1959

Confident
Can you remember the skills and tools you used to overcome your symptoms last time round? Those things will still be effective for you, so even though your symptoms have returned, you aren't back at square 1. You're armed in advance this time round.

Hope the appointment is productive. Having symptoms return is shit.
Thank you - I don't know why this came roaring back but I am really debilitated and feel powerless :-(
 
P

Paula

After about 12 months of weekly therapy I finally arrived at a place where I could make peace with my childhood traumas, at least enough to live my life. When I entered therapy I was severely depressed as my 40+ year secret that I had basically disassociated for my entire life came pouring out that I was sexually abused by a pedophile from ages 10-12. I never told anyone and just buried it.
Great that you recognized it. Find someone who does EMDR, and do yourself the gift of doing hard things, you are worth it
 
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David1959

Confident
Maybe if you have a little look at what’s been happening in your life recently or even in the lives of those around you, you may be able to notice what event or events could have been stressors for you, maybe it’ll be seemingly little things but lots of them?
I have been thinking about what the trigger might be and will discuss with my T. I think the trigger might be my current salary negotiations with my employer and my feelings of powerlessness because I do not have a college degree. That fact is the trigger because it goes back to my childhood traumas which included my inability to attend college even though I was quite smart. To long to go into here but you can look at one of my older diaries if interested

Great that you recognized it. Find someone who does EMDR, and do yourself the gift of doing hard things, you are worth it
With my very first T about 5 years ago I tried EMDR a few times with her, no effect. She was actually quite surprised and said that I had one of the strongest blocks she had ever seen. She was about 85 at the time and had been a Phycologist her whole life (Columbia Graduate) and she was trained by one of the founders of the EMDR method and had used it to great effect. Unfortunatly it did not work for me :-(
 
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