After having been very isolated for years

Teasel

MyPTSD Pro
I was increasingly isolated in the last years of my emotionally abusive relationship. And since leaving Ice had more human interaction than I've had in many years and mostly positive, (and mostly 2 way conversations!)

Which is great. I can feel a sense of myself opening up, it's lovely. And frightening!

I was kind of kind of socially anxious anyway .... hmm well actually the social anxiety ramped up after I was raped and my life began to fall apart and I seemed to be rejected by most people I knew, reputation destroyed, not so much blamed for the rape as slut shamed, as if I was the only one committing repellant crimes.

It's weird remembering all this. I usually feel so detached from all that happened.

I was thinking I've always been socially anxious, and I have to some extent. But yeah, it defo spiralled after all the trauma.

Including the relationship I just left.

Head's a bit scrambled. But I want to explore this a bit.

Socialising again after, in some ways, a very long break from it.

Had a few instances in the past couple days of feeling exposed, unsafe.

A few times wondering if me being me in the company of others... wondering if I'm.... I mean I know I can be funny sometimes. But I don't want go be a joke.

Also in some ways it does feel as though I've missed out on 20 years. As if Im behind the times by 20 years sort of, a bit. Or also having missed out on 20 years development. And i missed out on years of development as a kid too.

I don't know how much sense any of this makes! Anyone relate? Got tips? Owt else to say? Ta
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
I can relate to missing out on being social for decades due to isolation. I was on quetaipine for a long time and was very isolated. Not being able to do activities or not being being able to socialise. It had a very big impact on me.

then when opportunities arise to be social, it's a shock and sometimes it can feel scary because your not used to it. You have to build yourself back up again.
 

Freddyt

MyPTSD Pro
Also in some ways it does feel as though I've missed out on 20 years. As if Im behind the times by 20 years sort of, a bit. Or also having missed out on 20 years development. And i missed out on years of development as a kid too.
In a way I guess the job I had for 30 years was like the best excuse I could have for a lack of social life. We manufactured cheques so there was a ton of security and the only way in was to have business with us and sign a two page waiver to get in. I worked 60-70 hours a week and up to enough hours I couldn't report them all for 20 some years - six days a week. That was always the best excuse - too tired.

Now its hard. I feel like you @Teasel, I have few social skills with strangers. I would rather run away than say hi, and groups 😱😱 just get me out of there.

Right now its cognition when around a group. Sort of feel like I just took a blow to the head and I can't follow banter and if there are side conversations I just feel like I'm standing there like a dummy because I can't follow along.

I was kind of kind of socially anxious anyway .... hmm well actually the social anxiety ramped up after I was raped and my life began to fall apart and I seemed to be rejected by most people I knew, reputation destroyed, not so much blamed for the rape as slut shamed, as if I was the only one committing repellant crimes.
Strangely, this happens because of guilt on their part. Since I have been in therapy I have realized that. The person who caused the accident that led to my trauma was, at the time, my best friend, and stayed that until the last year of high school. The last time I talked to that person (35 years ago?) they basically blew up and blamed me for the whole thing, blamed me for things I had forgiven them for long long ago. It's sad in a lot of ways. I always believe that those people want to get away because of the guilt they feel when they are around you.

It's just as sad to know you are not who you were. To have your sister tell you she just wants the old you back - and you can't find that person.
 

grief

Sponsor
deep breaths, ha. isolation was the defining factor of my abuse. i grew up that way. we were physicelly isolated from others (which enabled the abuse.)

i was so iselated that it effected me developmentelly. i have a lot of emotional problems and cognetive problems. my social skills are not very develeped (but they are better now than they were.)

i also experenced solitary confinement. and that one did brake my brain open. and i have still a hard time looking at people and speaking to them. any one who say this is not torture, they have not experenced it them selfs. and it would not be ethical to do that.

but it still aggrevates me.

people can very much tell that there's something "wrong" with me-just based on looking at me. i suppose my posture is all messed up. i try to correct it but a lot of the time i fall back on my naturel habits. a lot of people think i'm autistic and things.

and sadly i do not think we will ever really know if it is autism or trauma. (which is funny-they said the same thing about victor!) and then you get genie and people are like, "well we can't rule out the fact that there may actually be developmentel disorder at play." but to me-to me, which my bias is obvious

it doesn't seem like there is intellectuel delay-all of these behaviors that are described (teeth grinding, rocking back and forth, stereotypies, blah-) those are all behaviers of severely traumatized animals. the neuroticism of self harm and biting one's own fingers/lips etc etc. extreme iselation and trama.

but we don't actually have a sample size of humans in this same situation. so it's complicated. and obviously i wasn't as severe as that. because i had interactions (even with other children although those were abusive situetions.) even though they were limited.

the purpose of sharing all of this that which i apolegize that i feel that i am monopelizing this thread. but that it all happened like that and i still did manege to learn. it isn't perfect and i struggle a lot with the dynamics of what is going on around me.

but i did gain some skills and i was able to integrate into society. i can talk, i can work, i am married (and it isn't terrible! by a long shot. it's the healthiest relationship i think i am capable of having.) what ever "window" that people talk about is not necesserily completely impermeable

because it wasn't impermeable for me. i was 14 when i got out of that situetion. well past the time of the language window and every thing else that you would think that is it. this individuel going to be f*cked up for the rest of his life. institutionalized. all of that.

but it turned out not to be the case. the more you are in these social situetions the more your brain will kick in and do what it was designed to do-this is what our brains were designed to do. fire those neurons and make those connections,

and all those transmisters which you may not have been flexing before will start actevating.

here is a good articel about it!
 
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