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Sexual Assault Aggression during sex

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Anonymous0712

Hey there, I'm a 21 yr old female, I have quite a large story to tell but I'll keep it short. When I was 12 I was raped by a 19yr old guy, being so young I didn't quite understand the extent of the damage it would do later in life to my sexual life.
When i was 14, I started a relationship with a 18yr old guy who physically and mentally abused me, there was multiple occasions where I was beaten for saying something wrong, or doing the wrong thing, I had my phone constantly checked, my laptop etc..when I was 16 I fell pregnant to him and now have a gorgeous 5 year old daughter. My issue now is sex. Iv been with my current partner for over a year and we have known each other since primary school. I now have crazy thoughts about being abused in bed, being tied up, slapped around, being told what to do etc...I also want to be expressive in bed, like making noise, moaning and things, and my boyfriend is really open to all of this. But when it comes to expressing that I enjoy it, I shut down. I feel like I don't deserve to enjoy sex, I feel I can't express how I feel because maybe my boyfriend might laugh at me or think I'm totally crazy. I'm wanting to get to the bottom of the problem because its so confusing for me. When we have sex it is rough sometimes but I shut down emotionally. Can anyone give me some advice as to why I'd be doing this?
 
Because of the abuse, I’m guessing that sex isn’t safe to you.

It took a long time, and a partner who was willing to give me 100% control, before I started feeling safe in sexual situations. It’s not perfect, but much better than it was.

Can you seek out counseling?
 
Hey there. I'm a 26 yo gay woman who had a female sexual abuser, among others. When I was about your age I started exploring kink with a partner, with major emphasis around kink and consent. I can safely say it's the most negotiated, most safe and most consensual sex I've ever had. I'm pretty submissive in bed and like doing some of the things you mentioned. What I really like about the kink community is the emphasis on consent, informed consent, and limits. A limit can be anything at all - doesn't necessarily have to be sexual. For example, I hate my wrists being touched or my hair being stroked, so those are hard limits, which are things my partner isn't allowed to do under any circumstances. Safe words are a great thing too - if one party calls the safe word, everything stops. Lights on, clothes on, talk about it and calm down etc. We talked about literally everything before we did anything at all, down to what would happen if I was triggered or dissociated, or what we needed from each other if someone used the safe word. Some people even write each other's likes, dislikes, limits and safe word responses down. I don't think I'll ever have even vanilla sex without a safeword again.
As for whether my likes (or my sexual orientation) are connected to the abuse, I'll never know, but I like what I like and try to be okay with that. If you're interested, there's a whole philosophy called RACK, or risk aware consensual kink. It really helped me feel safe and comfortable having sex, knowing my partner was checking in and I with her as well. We used the "red, yellow, green" system, and I found that heaps easier than no, or stop, or speaking up when I was uncomfortable. Safety first, and do your research before engaging in any type of play, ever, period. That includes tying up, spanking, sub-dom roleplay, anything. Read up! Puzzled the heck out of my therapist at the time, but by far the most safe sex I've ever had.
 
Because of the abuse, I’m guessing that sex isn’t safe to you.

It took a long time, and a partner who was willing to give me 100% control, before I started feeling safe in sexual situations. It’s not perfect, but much better than it was.

Eve,
Would you mind explaining being in 100% control. The reason I ask is my wife has to be in control. She is a pleaser as am I but I am not allowed to please which is highly frustrating. I'm limited in what I'm allowed to do and based on her history of sexual abuse I don't push the issue but of the 3 basic ways I'm able to please I can only do one. She was raped at 13 and in an effort to deny it was rape she stayed in the relationship. Because of that all of her first experiences were with her rapist since she was a virgin when it happened . The relationship lasted 3-6 months (I don't do well with details so I'm not asking). I've read this response is common. I've also read that any sex with a past rapist is basically rape.
thanks,
hooper
 
Eve,
Would you mind explaining being in 100% control. The reason I ask is my wife has to be in con...

100% control meant that I was asked if I wanted to do things, and I was always respected when I said no. I’ve always been the more “extreme” partner so there are only a few things that I really don’t like to do. That is, I was up for most anything. It was mostly about not having things pushed on me, and being able to say no.
 
Mutual respect, communication and consent are so important. I gratefully have a partner who has encouraged me to always have open communication with him and he is really good about paying attention to my needs. He knows I have PTSD and always checks to make sure I am comfortable with whatever we choose to do. No means no. We always discuss when one or the other is uncomfortable. I am learning to trust again with his gentle slow guidance.
 
Because of the abuse, I’m guessing that sex isn’t safe to you.

It took a long time, and a partner who was willing to give me 100% control, before I started feeling safe in sexual situations. It’s not perfect, but much better than it was.

100% control meant that I was asked if I wanted to do things, and I was always respected when I said no. I’ve always been the more “extreme” partner so there are only a few things that I really don’t like to do. That is, I was up for most anything. It was mostly about not having things pushed on me, and being able to say no.

Eve,
Thanks for your response/clarification. Looking forward to your return.
hooper
 
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