inthisguise
New Here
Just found this site and this is my first post here.
Without going into too much detail, I recently entered EMDR therapy for CPTSD. My partner is a practicing therapist who is typically very good about not treating me like a patient, and he's also been through CPT for his own CPTSD.
Last night, he broached a conversation about ways he's observed me disassociating over the last few days. To be clear, it wasn't just a conversation about what he's observed; it was also him expressing how he is feeling shut out and hurt by my behavior.
I've been practicing several techniques my therapist has taught me to self-regulate better so while he was talking I was breathing and counting backward in my head because I felt myself becoming defensive. I really tried and was able to empathize with what he is experiencing, but it was really, really hard to do because of my automatic defensiveness.
Since that conversation and into this morning, I was rolling the whole thing around in my head. I realized that my defensiveness comes from fear; that when someone is critical of me, I get incredibly fearful that it means I've finally gone and ruined everything and they are going to leave. My gut reaction is to defend myself as a way, I suppose, of convincing them that all is not what it seems, that I'm not at fault as a way, I guess, of convincing them to stay. I know it doesn't make logical sense, really, but it's the best description I can string together of what it feels like.
So, I had a conversation with him this morning (after a long time of screwing up the courage to do so) and I told him all of this. With lessons from our couples counseling, I was careful to speak in "I" statements and ask for what I wanted. I told him that I value when he is able to point out to me when I'm numbing out/disassociating, that I know it's vital to my healing, and I asked him to do one thing for me - I asked if he would please also reassure me that he's not leaving when he starts these conversations with me. I think that if I heard that - at least for right now, in the very early stages of trauma recovery and just learning coping techniques and how to control my default reactions - it would be very helpful to quiet the fear spiral and help me to better hear what he is saying, so it doesn't feel like there is a war going on in my head.
He replied that he needed to think about it because he wasn't sure it was the most healthy thing for me.
Now I'm even more upset. I'm feeling so raw because I made myself be vulnerable with him and asked for what I think will help, and he responded with what sounds to me like, "I'll be the judge of what's best for you," which just makes me angry on so many levels. I expressed this to him and he said that if he didn't feel it was healthy for me, he'd be hurting himself.
So, for the last several hours I've just been questioning the whole thing and I feel like I'm spinning out of control. I keep trying to tell myself that he loves me and that is why he responded that way, but I also just want him to trust that I know what will best help me and that I don't want him as therapist determining the healthiness of something I ask for. I want a partner who respects my request for something I think will help while I'm learning to navigate all of this, and I'm pissed that having been through some intense treatment himself, he doesn't get that. From my understanding, CPT is very different from EMDR and while I'm not questioning the efficacy of CPT, I don't think he can take assumptions from that form of therapy and apply them to my situation. And, yes, I realize exposure to things that trigger my automatic reactions is necessary, but I'm trying to find ways to help me stick with this and through all of this painful process of healing.
I am sitting here wondering if I am indeed the asshole in this situation and I just don't see it because of where I am emotionally at the moment. Any insight from those who've encountered similar situations is much appreciated.
Without going into too much detail, I recently entered EMDR therapy for CPTSD. My partner is a practicing therapist who is typically very good about not treating me like a patient, and he's also been through CPT for his own CPTSD.
Last night, he broached a conversation about ways he's observed me disassociating over the last few days. To be clear, it wasn't just a conversation about what he's observed; it was also him expressing how he is feeling shut out and hurt by my behavior.
I've been practicing several techniques my therapist has taught me to self-regulate better so while he was talking I was breathing and counting backward in my head because I felt myself becoming defensive. I really tried and was able to empathize with what he is experiencing, but it was really, really hard to do because of my automatic defensiveness.
Since that conversation and into this morning, I was rolling the whole thing around in my head. I realized that my defensiveness comes from fear; that when someone is critical of me, I get incredibly fearful that it means I've finally gone and ruined everything and they are going to leave. My gut reaction is to defend myself as a way, I suppose, of convincing them that all is not what it seems, that I'm not at fault as a way, I guess, of convincing them to stay. I know it doesn't make logical sense, really, but it's the best description I can string together of what it feels like.
So, I had a conversation with him this morning (after a long time of screwing up the courage to do so) and I told him all of this. With lessons from our couples counseling, I was careful to speak in "I" statements and ask for what I wanted. I told him that I value when he is able to point out to me when I'm numbing out/disassociating, that I know it's vital to my healing, and I asked him to do one thing for me - I asked if he would please also reassure me that he's not leaving when he starts these conversations with me. I think that if I heard that - at least for right now, in the very early stages of trauma recovery and just learning coping techniques and how to control my default reactions - it would be very helpful to quiet the fear spiral and help me to better hear what he is saying, so it doesn't feel like there is a war going on in my head.
He replied that he needed to think about it because he wasn't sure it was the most healthy thing for me.
Now I'm even more upset. I'm feeling so raw because I made myself be vulnerable with him and asked for what I think will help, and he responded with what sounds to me like, "I'll be the judge of what's best for you," which just makes me angry on so many levels. I expressed this to him and he said that if he didn't feel it was healthy for me, he'd be hurting himself.
So, for the last several hours I've just been questioning the whole thing and I feel like I'm spinning out of control. I keep trying to tell myself that he loves me and that is why he responded that way, but I also just want him to trust that I know what will best help me and that I don't want him as therapist determining the healthiness of something I ask for. I want a partner who respects my request for something I think will help while I'm learning to navigate all of this, and I'm pissed that having been through some intense treatment himself, he doesn't get that. From my understanding, CPT is very different from EMDR and while I'm not questioning the efficacy of CPT, I don't think he can take assumptions from that form of therapy and apply them to my situation. And, yes, I realize exposure to things that trigger my automatic reactions is necessary, but I'm trying to find ways to help me stick with this and through all of this painful process of healing.
I am sitting here wondering if I am indeed the asshole in this situation and I just don't see it because of where I am emotionally at the moment. Any insight from those who've encountered similar situations is much appreciated.