alone for the last time

LeiaFlower

Confident
I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling. In a broad sense, I'm drained, I feel emotionally alone, and I feel crazy as if I'm a burden to those around me. I feel abandoned by my friend. We both were struggling mentally and trying to get our life together. Now she's happier and found someone else that makes her feel more safer and happier than I ever could. Leaving me alone wishing that if she'd hurt me like the groomer; if the relationship was toxic, then she wouldn't leave me. But I can't make her hurt me nor can I bring myself to create a toxic relationship because I want her to be happy. So I'm stuck feeling disgusted with myself and hating how much I miss how it used to be. My friend's only advice is "You need to learn how to be happy being alone." This hurts when I am constantly being abandoned and it feels like she's abandoning me. It makes me feel like I'm defective like I'm the reason she's leaving. I feel isolated and a burden for wanting more. I feel gross every time I ask her for physical affection to feel safer. However, each time she denies it stating she wants to be by herself. I just feel so alone. I feel that no one in my current life understands me or even wants to. I feel forgotten and easily replaceable.

I tried Bumble to make more friends so I no longer rely solely on her but no one was really active; I tried support groups but they either were full or no longer active; I tried going out by myself more but it made me feel more alone.

I wish I could stop existing. I wish I wasn't alive to deal with this. So I wouldn't have to feel this. I wish I could die. I want to.
 

StillPen

MyPTSD Pro
@LeiaFlower, I so totally relate to what you are going through and it feels so incredibly lonely.

For me, I had to realize (over many years of therapy) that my attachment trauma with my parents was much, much worse than I ever realized and that I burned out friendship after friendship trying to fill the holes in my psyche that should have been filled by the consistent love, affection and sense of "you are safe" in my very early years, that only a stable, loving parent/guardian can provide, that I simply did not get on a consistent and stable basis. So no matter how well I'm doing in the present, about every third day, my world falls apart either externally or internally...a pattern I've been repeating all my life, that I'm just now starting to see.

So I have learned 2 very important things:

1. Friends and loved ones can not fill those gaps. It will burn them out. They are not meant to fill that role, it was my parents jobs, and they tried their best, but in some areas failed miserably.
2. I have to be the healthy parent to myself I never had, to continuosly fill those holes...it is a daily thing.

How to fill the holes? When I am feeling alone: reach out and try to help...helping others fills my soul. Say hello to those here on the forum. Ask how they are holding up and genuinely listen to their hurts. When I am needing affection? I ask hubby to hold my arm only...not smother him (or friends), even though I want to. It is the sensation of physical touch that heals...in small bits, or I'm stomping all over their boundaries, which is not fair to them.
When I need companionship? I do things my internal parts love and want to do that are healthy for my whole body (I'm DID, but I believe we all have internal parts)...draw, watch my favorite show (binge, actaully), any and every other calming self-care thing I can think of.

For me, it is NOT learning to be happy alone. That is the OPPOSITE of what I need...I had a lifetime of alone. I need connection, either with other people or myself and mostly, a good balance of both. It is learning to feel those holes of emptiness/lonliness myself, not through and by others. Reparenting self on a daily basis as best I can.

Take what helps and toss the rest.

I wish you well.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
dunno if it is anywhere near similar to what you are experiencing, but. . . thought i'd share, anyway.

my own abandonment issues continually misread what the people i let into my world are trying to tell me when they need some space and/or boundaries. at 68, those abandonment fears are still strong enough that i recently seethed for days because our 3 year old foster daughter liked hubby better than me. luckily for our foster daughter, my therapy has progressed far enough that i was able to resist the urge to take it out on her.

part of the therapy which enabled that minor miracle was learning how to put some time between reaction and action. by the time i worked through the reaction, i was grateful i had taken no action, whatsoever. my abandonment issues had been whispering some outrageous notions.

but that is me and every case is unique.
steadying support while you sort through your own case.
 

Weemie

MyPTSD Pro
Human beings can't really "learn to be alone" because human beings are not solitary animals. && point of fact, "being alone" is what got us here in the first place. Childhood neglect is damaging in ways that you can't always see, but that defines how your mind models --

Relationships, emotions, reciprocation, bonds of trust, neurophysiological responses e.g. oxytocin, la la la What's important about "learn to be alone" isn't the alone part. It's the be part. To be yourself, without others, first. To have your own thoughts, feelings, sensations, responses, experiences, boundaries, and coping skills.

&& then, because this is of course the direction of health, to ease your whole foundational self with your capacity to stand on your own two feet? -> Into reciprocal and rewarding and beneficial interactions with others. The difference between clinging and companionship. Toxicity and respect.
 

LeiaFlower

Confident
For me, it is NOT learning to be happy alone. That is the OPPOSITE of what I need...I had a lifetime of alone. I need connection, either with other people or myself and mostly, a good balance of both. It is learning to feel those holes of emptiness/lonliness myself, not through and by others. Reparenting self on a daily basis as best I can.
Thank you for reminding me of the balance but also understanding that there’s more than just being happy alone. For me when she said that it brought up how things use to be with my siblings. Growing up I was excluded from my siblings and they hated me. I’m use to being alone, creating imaginary friends and my own safe space within myself. I’m fine with being by myself and I no longer feel dependent on others. Don’t get me wrong I still need to do more to reparent myself. However, I am a people person. I love being social and learning about other people.
1. Friends and loved ones can not fill those gaps. It will burn them out. They are not meant to fill that role, it was my parents jobs, and they tried their best, but in some areas failed miserably.
How do I know if I’m trying to fill in gaps of loneliness or wanting to be social?
How to fill the holes? When I am feeling alone: reach out and try to help...helping others fills my soul. Say hello to those here on the forum. Ask how they are holding up and genuinely listen to their hurts. When I am needing affection? I ask hubby to hold my arm only...not smother him (or friends), even though I want to. It is the sensation of physical touch that heals...in small bits, or I'm stomping all over their boundaries, which is not fair to them.
I think when I ask for affection I need to be more understanding when my friend doesn’t want it at times or only want to do certain things. I usually take it as rejection when that isn’t the case.
When I need companionship? I do things my internal parts love and want to do that are healthy for my whole body (I'm DID, but I believe we all have internal parts)...draw, watch my favorite show (binge, actaully), any and every other calming self-care thing I can think of.
I think going back to doing my own hobbies night help. Since I’m in school and work it sort fell on the back burner. However, to create more individuality I think I should do more
 

Friday

Moderator
How do I know if I’m trying to fill in gaps of loneliness or wanting to be social?
There’s a really great line about knowing if a PERSON themselves is someone important/right for you, or if you’re just using them as any warm body to fill a gap…

“It’s not the person you miss at 2am, when you’re lonely. It’s the person you miss at 2pm and you’re busy.”

…that might help illustrate the difference.
 

StillPen

MyPTSD Pro
How do I know if I’m trying to fill in gaps of loneliness or wanting to be social?
That is a great question and some of it will be based on your culture (where you live, if your culture is very affectionate, etc.). For me:

If I want to be held, but not in an intimate way, I know that is a younger part that is needing 'a sense of security, belonging, safety'. That is where I only turn to very specific friends for really good hugs. I do not do this very often because this will burn them out (as I spoke of above). This needed physical attention is a gap a parent should have filled so I have to be creative and fill it in a different way, on my own. A weighted blanket works WONDERS for me. Also, affectionate pets are good. Again, have Hubby place a hand on my shoulder or arm for a bit (not in a sexual way, had to teach him the difference), heated blankets work for me, hugging myself works a little (it does feel a little silly), holding my wrists with my opposite hands (don't know why this works at all), warm baths, (actually, anything warm now that I think of it), getting in the sun for 10 minutes or so, singing, listening to favorite music, eating comfort food, all these things provide the 'sense of belonging' my little parts need.

If I want to 'charge my battery' I know it is social. I am an extravert, so I get my energy from connecting with other people. That's where this forum, the social threads, and others' diaries I relate to come in to play. I have only a very small (less than 5) people who know I have cPTSD, much less why. My experience is that once they know, they look at and treat me differently and not in a caring and understanding way. So, while I do connect with them socially, and get energy from it...there is nothing like connecting here...not even T can do what those on this forum do for me...they GET me. No one else does, not even hubby (thank, everything).

Hope that helps.
 
Top