Always alone - Even with my immediate family (wife and kids) I never feel like I belong.

[AlwaysAlone]

No matter where I am I always feel isolated and alone. Even with my immediate family (wife and kids) I never feel like I belong. It's like I'm watching their lives at a distance. I have a hole inside of me, a craving for something that can never be filled or met. Though I am aware of this need I can never really grasp what that need is, it is elusive and painful. I cannot share this with anyone because they never fully understand. Anyway, I just needed an outlet.

 

[Friday]

PTSD is notorious for coming along with difficulties connecting to others.

My understanding is that it’s a cocktail uniquely blended to each of us made up of:

- Disassociation
- Cognitive Distortions / Core Beliefs
- Emotional Dysregulation (including dissociative blunting/numbing/a dense of emotions)
- Avoidance (as a symptom)
- Avoidance (as a coping mechanism)
- Trust Issues / Lessons Learned In Trauma
- Overlapping timelines
- Broken Stress Response
- A few other things, including medication side effects, sleep dep, depression, anxiety, etc. on top of pure PTSD stuff.

Not only are the proportions of the cocktail unique to each of us, but the components change over time, and in response to situation/stimuli.

***

PERSONALLY??? It took me yeeeeeeears before I realized I’m just going to periodically not FEEL love -or anything else, for that matter- for the people I love. Once upon a time, that’s when I would break up with people, or exit stage left. I felt it was the only honorable thing to do, to create space for them to have lovers/friends who actually loved them, as they deserved to be.

But by doing that? I ended up with buku evidence -Santa’s Naughty List long- that my emotions would snap back “on”, I’d feel connected, a part of, a sense of belonging …if and only if… I gave myself time to, or correctly changed circumstance.

So I stopped leaving, as an experiment, and just “acted as if”. Because I knew, intellectually, that I loved them. I just didn’t feel it. VOILA! Same. Durn. Thing. Happened. Given time, or change in circumstance (read: reduced/better managed stress levels)? I loved them “again”, felt a part of “again”, was connected strongly “again”, felt I belonged “again”.

Whole helluva lotta experimentation followed THAT particular experiment, to see if there was anything I could do to speed up that process (of feeling connected / turning my emotions back on), limit how frequently it happened, etc. Result? Yep. Absolutely. On all fronts.

It’s not something I’ve ever been able to eliminate entirely, and in the thick of it I often forget …everything… and can be found all but screaming at the sky why is connection so damn hard?!? Aaaaaaaargh!!! BUT? I do eventually remember. Oh. This. Again. f*ck me. <brick wall, bang head>

***
I went rounds, for a few years, on the “acting as if” front, and whether that was lying/manipulative/disrespectful.

I came to the conclusion that just because my legs might be numb? Doesn’t mean I don’t have legs. I know, intellectually, that they’re there… even if I can’t feel them. So acting as if I have legs? Is the smart/reasonable thing to do. If I stick them out in traffic? Bad things will happen. Not putting clothing on them? Will see me arrested for indecency charges. Trying to close a door they’re blocking? Won’t work.

They’re REAL, even if I can’t feel them.

Just like knowing intellectually that I love someone, even if I can’t feel it, right now. I can, and should, treat those people as I would treat anyone I loved, and especially as I would treat them. To do less? Or to treat hem as if I didn’t love them? Is what would be disrespectful.

 

[Liljulz67]

No matter where I am I always feel isolated and alone. Even with my immediate family (wife and kids) I never feel like I belong. It's like I'm watching their lives at a distance. I have a hole inside of me, a craving for something that can never be filled or met. Though I am aware of this need I can never really grasp what that need is, it is elusive and painful. I cannot share this with anyone because they never fully understand. Anyway, I just needed an outlet.

You may feel Alone but you are Not.the feeling is mutual,I understand this very well,I am out of a relationship after 20 Years because i could never feel like it was enough and it really Sucks because the void we carry is so big that everyone can try but for some awful reason it is not enough.it is disheartening but also I can say i am at a good place as to what to do,Deep Breathing,Self reflection,Meditation,Writing,Excersizing and eating well are all part of my Daily life.Therapy helps but is not a cure,after years of Therapy and still attending to it weekly,it is a Struggle.I hope this helps you,i cannot express the similarity in feelings that you have.I'm always feeling left out and so out of place.Honestly said to my partner one day,"I feel like i am a waste of Space"always struggling to feel ok and when i do i get a trigger that drops right back where I been many,many times.so Heartbreaking and awful but it is what dealing from Childhood trauma and having C-PTSD is like.be good to you,i know it is Cliche but know it is the best we can do,be good to ourselves.this is not easy.You take good care.