Am i avoiding a dream or a memory?

jess678

New Here
I'm not sure how to explain this since i'm not sure if it was a dream or a memory. I've always have really realistic dreams that used to be heavy influenced by stuff I saw on tv, i hope this was one of those cases, but i'll talk about this like it was real. I think one of my brothers abused me when I was about 10 years old and he was around 14 or 15. It has been about 9 years and the memories come around my memory once in a while, but i think i have blocked most of it, since i only remember(again, im not sure if dream or reality)been touched once, but i remember playing lots of hide and seek with him and hiding in his room(even though before we didnt have much of a relationship), crying multiple times to my mom because he "tickled me too much"( and i didnt like people tickling me)
I want to think it was an awful dream but how else can i explain the fact that i hate when men touch me, even if i trust them? And if it was real the what the hell i am supposed to do?? I can't imagine facing him or telling my parents, because what could they do? What if he denies it?? I'm writing here but i don't really think i'll ever have answers .
Sorry if something is wrote wrong, english is not my first language, and thank you for reading all this.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Hi @jess678
Welcome!

Sharing my story might help?
I blocked things out from my childhood. They came back to me in dreams in my early 20's. I thought I was losing my mind and needed someone to tell me if I was making this up or was this memories coming back or what was it? I tried therapy then, but I wasn't ready. Moving forward a decade or too: I now fully accept what happened to me. And now know that memories have a confusing , upsetting and totally unsettling way of leaking out.

So, whilst it feels now that there is no way this will get better, or a way of understanding. There is.
Have you tried therapy? It has really helped me.

Sometimes memories can be very piecemeal, which makes it even more confusing to work out what happened, when, how etc.
It's a challenging time discovering things like this.
But it does get better.
 

Major Tom

New Here
I'm not sure how to explain this since i'm not sure if it was a dream or a memory. I've always have really realistic dreams that used to be heavy influenced by stuff I saw on tv, i hope this was one of those cases, but i'll talk about this like it was real. I think one of my brothers abused me when I was about 10 years old and he was around 14 or 15. It has been about 9 years and the memories come around my memory once in a while, but i think i have blocked most of it, since i only remember(again, im not sure if dream or reality)been touched once, but i remember playing lots of hide and seek with him and hiding in his room(even though before we didnt have much of a relationship), crying multiple times to my mom because he "tickled me too much"( and i didnt like people tickling me)
I want to think it was an awful dream but how else can i explain the fact that i hate when men touch me, even if i trust them? And if it was real the what the hell i am supposed to do?? I can't imagine facing him or telling my parents, because what could they do? What if he denies it?? I'm writing here but i don't really think i'll ever have answers .
Sorry if something is wrote wrong, english is not my first language, and thank you for reading all this.
Based on your problems with intimacy, it sounds to me like he quite probably did abuse you and you have blanked out the details, but be careful what you do. First I would observe what he is like now. Is he emotionally manipulative. e.g. does he have a habit of trying to make others feel guilty or inadequate etc. Is he kind of devious or vindictive or does he show uncaring attitudes towards others or animals? Or maybe he is just a bit off with you but you can't put your finger on it. If so, these are warning signs that he is almost certainly a sociopath or psychopath and the best thing you can do is distance yourself as much as you can from him, but without making it obvious why. If none of the former apply, then maybe it was just a thing he was going through, feels bad about himself, and has grown out of i.e. puberty stuff. I'm just guessing though and am no expert!

It is tricky to give advice on what to do; a lot depends on your personal circumstances. From what I have read in the past, this kind of thing can blow families apart if brought into the open, but I think the worst thing you can do for your own mental health is bury it and try to forget it.

I was molested at about 9 by an 18 year old boy and due to my lousy middle class family values that said that children were 'to be seen and not heard' I kept quiet about it and only remember a few details. Sixty years later I am really paying for it emotionally and financially after our mother died. A year before she died and her health was very precarious, I discovered that I have one sister (a doctor) who is a psychopath and another (a nurse) who is a narcissistic sociopath (think Donald Trump!). I can't even begin to tell you what they have done and what it has been like trying to deal with them during our mother's last year of life and my subsequent attempts to administer her estate :(

Compared to the abuse suffered by countless other kids in care and schools etc, what happened to me and yourself seems hardly worth mentioning, but I look back now and it is clear how much it affected my life and relationships, simply because I kept it to myself, so do yourself a big favour and get your head sorted out now before it sends you off course, because you won't even realise it's happening!

Your confidence and self-esteem may also benefit by taking up a 'soft' (but effective) martial art like Aikido.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Hi yes, I understand all this sadly. I have no advice except to try and find a therapist that can help you sort things out but it’s difficult. Realizing something is wrong is a giant step on the right direction. Being able to say it out loud could be as significant as living or dying so, you’ve accomplished so much by just starting out.

All that being said it’s a horrible thing to have to go through. This is what we have to deal with though. I have stayed here on this board and it’s been very helpful.
 
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