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General Am I Being a Bitch? Straining Our Marriage!

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I am glad you guys are getting help Jen. I know you are angry..but he is trying...its hard...you guys will get through it.. you both want it :)
 
Thanks for your support guys it did feel good to be able to open up to him. But I am not going to push it to much. The guys on the course are having a BBQ tomorrow so hopefully we go to that. He said he would like to go which is a good start as he just does not socialise anymore.
Jen
 
Good stuff Jen... well done to you both. Honesty is the best policy... and he already knew how much he had hurt you, he just didn't want to ask. You telling him makes him remember, but also lets him know that it is not him now, but you that must heal this. Both parties really do have a lot of work too do, and often we must step back, truly have a good look at ourselves without friends biased opinions, and see who can be better, and which one's responsibility it is for the most significant part of each feeling, in order to heal correctly. Both sides have their big issues and little issues, both sides must heal together for it too work.
 
Andrea, Your situation is the same as mine-- except we're not even dating. I'm so glad to know that I'm not the only one in this situation & I'm not crazy. My husband says I'm blowing things out of proportion, that I expect too much; but it's very hard to go from a loving, affectionate relationship to just being housemates.

Anthony, I understand your message & I agree. However, when I very gently brought up the subject, he got defensive & said it's just gonna take time. From his tone & demeanor, I got the message he meant later rather than sooner. (But it's been this way for 9 months. How much longer?) I'm trying to be patient & supportive but I can't help feeling alone & angry at times, feeling rejected. We can't heal together because there is no "together."
 
Same boat up the creek without a paddle ....

Andrea hi, tig hi, Im in the same boat as you tig not even dating - he managed and hour with me on Friday to talk about practical stuff and hes just been here but went through the house to the garden to fix the tub and back out like a tornado!!!!!

I feel as if I have some kind of deadly contagious disease he cant get away from me fast enough. Asked him to read some stuff on PTSD and he told me it is medical munbo jumbo!!! and he might if he gets time. gave him a small book on how to manage life work balance "How to sweat the small stuff" he took it so that is an ordinary self help book for any male hope he doesnt throw it out ofthe car window as he drives to his rented accomodation!!?

All my friends feel sorry for me and this is distresssing my 80 year old mum who loves him vey much but although I miss caring for him not having him here I had to have him leave he would have killed us all with his behavior.
How long this can go on I dont know- We'll get to christmas and see what thenew year brings always hoping - take care of yourselves and we can take care of them thanks went on a bit sorry.....:wall:
 
Hannah, That's it!! I must have a deadly, contagious disease!! How did I not know?
None of our friends or family knows, so I have to act like everything's just great... You mentioned the holidays: that's a particularly bad time in our house because on the holidays, as a police officer he was always dealing with dangerous domestic violence cases & then somebody was always turning up dead. I have no problem understanding his Scrooge behavior; however, I cannot get him to understand that's gone now-- he's safe here. I did get him to stop watching the news-- baby steps.

What did you mean about him leaving & his behavior? (I joined in late...) There's a reason that I ask.
 
Well - he was up at 4am in the hot tub - we would have words before he went to work leaving me crying. would come in from work with cans of Lager under his arm have dinner then watch a violent film at 9pm fall asleep in the chair drunk went nuts if I woke him...... a cycle of pure abuse ans emotional detatchment any good tig?
 
Hannah, Yes because it sounds oh so familiar (re:the last time we dealt w/PTSD; but we didn't know it was PTSD-related). I couldn't do anything right, stayed in the doghouse, we argued over me disciplining his kids (we have 2 mine, 2 his) & visa versa. He didn't "leave the cop at the door." He issued orders to all of us, & if the order wasn't followed, well, you know...
The abuse was psychological, emotional, and on 2 occasions physical (you'd pee on yourself if you knew what he did). I was not able to become detached, just scared.
Finally, in September '04, he said HE was tired of putting up w/this s**t & walked out a few seconds later. We seperated for 14 months (I filed for divorce after 6 mos). We didn't talk at all for a year. He said that during that time, he had a really rough time w/PTSD. He had to hit bottom before he realized who & what was really important to him. (I spent alot of time at the bottom, too. But I grew much stronger.) Then last Nov we reconciled, with a few of my conditions. I was NOT going to dive back into the same abuse! Everything was great for 7 mos, then the PTSD popped up again. He's not abusive now, just a different person who spends most of his time in his head.
Sometimes it feels like I just want too much.:(
 
Oh mymy god are we married to the same man - only joking!!!! he was in the army and he got out of his uniform and he was the most kind loving generous man.........he went into the police force and was on shifts so we grew apart...... he jumped back into the war zone in iraq and each time he came home i recognised him less - but I longed for him to "return" he did a few days at a time then he just threw himself into work .


I was saying all the things to him that were frightening me " no soul detatched no compassion lifeless " unless it was about his work the final straw came when he sat in the chair demonistically saying he was going to scour for other women after a skin full of booze. I demanded it was over and couldnt take any more. Our kids have suffered and now I am enjoying their company again. He was never violent only shouting in his sleep . Never ever saying there was anything wrong only that it was me!!!!!! I was on edge and upset but I gave as good as I got - I didnt understand as he wouldnt talk that's what broke my heart!!!!
 
PS no you dont want too much we just want our men back - we all deserve a loving respectful relationship- love and kindness and compassion are everything in this short life.... I want that too. But only with him at the moment I have wasted nearly 4 years of my life dont know if I can do it any longer we'll see. God is good but he certainly works in mysterious ways
 
Oh mymy god are we married to the same man - only joking!!!! he was the most kind loving generous man.........he went into the police force, each time he came home i recognised him less - but I longed for him to "return" he did a few days at a time then he just threw himself into work .

...all the things that were frightening me " no soul detatched no compassion lifeless " unless it was about his work.

the final straw came when he sat in the chair demonistically saying he was going to scour for other women after a skin full of booze. I demanded it was over... Never ever saying there was anything wrong only that it was me!!!!!!

I was...upset...I didnt understand as he wouldnt talk that's what broke my heart!!!!

Hannah my sister,
Not only are we married to the same man-- we're twins!! I began to recognize him less & less over the yrs. But I became so depressed, I guess he could say that about me, too. I felt but didn't dare say the same things you found frightening. My family excels at denial...I loved him so much I think I just kept hoping it would change. But the detachment & lack of compassion grew worse instead.
What a jerk for saying those things to you!:angry-fla Good for you being strong enough to kick him out-- his self-destructive behavior definitely isn't going to change without intervention (& lots of it!)!!

Re: being upset: Same here, sister! I realize they're fighting the demons in their own heads, but don't they have to come back to Earth for a few minutes now & then?? They're still husbands, fathers...people! :poke:

Maybe I'm just venting-- I'm on my own here, can't talk to anybody about this stuff except here.
 
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