Am I being irrational?


My sisters and I had an intervention for my mother about her opioid use disorder. It went better than expected, she still is in a crazy amount of denial, but she did say she would consider going to rehab if she could speak to her therapist first. It seems like a reasonable request but our mother is a pathological liar and has used the "I want to speak to my therapist" excuse for a very long time. I just don't trust her word.

Anyway after a fight with my mother the other night and a few more discussions she has said that she is going to go to rehab but wants to look into places first that deal with chronic pain and addiction. I called my sisters to tell them the good news, however I am still skeptical, and asked them if we could meet with our mother tomorrow to do the research with her and help her find a rehab facility. I'm trying to strike while the iron is hot. After asking my older sister if she could do it tomorrow she flat out said no, she has a midterm to take and she can't do it tomorrow. I completely understand that school is important but I think getting our mother into rehab has more weight especially when her professors have even told her that family comes first and assignments/tests can be figured out later. I just think she is being really selfish and I want to slap some sense of reality into her. It makes me so incredibly frustrated. Especially when I'm currently still living with my mother and have been exhausting myself all week to try to find somewhere to live. I don't have time for the uncertainty, or the yes or no game my mother is playing because it is jeopardizing my ability to save myself, my livelihood is literally hanging on the line and all I want is some cooperation from my siblings. Is that really too much to ask?


I don't have time for the uncertainty, or the yes or no game my mother is playing because it is jeopardizing my ability to save myself, my livelihood is literally hanging on the line...

Then stop. Take care of yourself & your life, NOW. Get your livelihood & housing in line. THEN work on helping others. Rather than sacrificing your life, and demanding others sacrifice theirs, for -anyone- someone who is playing games with you. Love them to pieces. Dive in to help them as soon as you can. Love doesn’t have to make you stupid. You can still be whip smart, and love them, and help them. Without destroying your own life in the process. Really. Your sister is in the right on this one.

Yep. I’d say it’s pretty durn irrational to be mad at someone else for refusing to dance like a puppet on a string, according to someone else’s whim.

Unless you’re prepared to pay for 2 semesters out of pocket (which is what has to happen if you go on academic probation / you lose your funding until you’ve paid out of pocket for 6+ months to prove you’re serious about being there & worth the risk of funding further) for her ...AND... guarantee her placement in her program? What you’re asking is for her to risk her entire future (at the last moment/with no notice). Worse? On a problem that has not only existed for quite some time, but is likely to take the next couple years to sort. Even IF everything goes as right as it possibly can. And, as you say, is so incrediably uncertain / tied up in yes-no games, and all the rest.

Your mother’s moods? Shouldn’t define everyone else’s lives. Just because tomorrow MIGHT be a good day for her, or this week MIGHT be a good time to get things started? Doesn’t mean everyone else should flush their lives down the toilet to accomodate her whims.

An addict’s whims are even less “drop everything!”... because at the end of the day? It doesn’t matter if everyone around them has completely f*cked over their own lives to try and make the addict’s life better. The addict has to both want to & put the effort in, themselves. Or there’s literally no point in anyone else doing anything. Because nothing will get done. <<< That’s one of the first things they’re going to smack you with, if/when your mother goes into treatment. That you CANNOT keep enabling her (drop everything! We need to do this now! She’s in a good mood!) by acting as if the whoooooole world revolves around her; AND need serious hardcore boundaries when dealing with her, for at least 2+ years sober (or better-medicated, if she’s going dual-diagnosis of medical problem + addiction). Fortunately? There are a lot of programs to help family members of addicts to learn how to still love and be there for the addicts in their lives, without walking out into traffic for them... unless they’re actually IN traffic. And don’t just have a hankering for bubblegum from the corner shop across the street.

None of which means that addicts don’t deserve help, nor that you shouldn’t help them when & as you can, nor that without help many/most would make that first step. It DOES mean that you need to put your own oxygen mask on first. Take care of your own life, and your own responsibilities, rather than sacrificing everything because maybe maybe maybe THIS time??? Nope.

Be strong for yourself, so that you have strength left over to give. Not crippling yourself trying to help someone else, and have nothing left even for your own self, much less them or anyone else.
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I can understand you want support
However, it is your choice to put your mum's rehab choices before your own health and life changes. It is also your sister's choice to put her education first before your mum's rehab.

I agree with @Friday , put yourself first. Your mum is either going to rehab or she isn't. You helping her research isn't going to be 'the thing' that makes her go or not. You can't make her, however much you desire it. And even if she does eventually get there, unless she is 100% committed, you might not get the result you want.
Your mum has to make her own changes.
Moving out sounds a great move. So you can distance yourself from her addiction, and give yourself permission to not be responsible for her choices.

Good luck.
I know it's hard to let go this responsibility, but I can tell you from experience, it is freeing when you realise you are only responsible for yourself.


@Survivor3 @Friday @Movingforward10
Thank you all for your responses. At first I really really disliked them and the idea that everyone was seemingly not seeing my side or understanding the situation. Later on I realized that my desire to have this talk with my sisters and our mother came from a place of fear...fear that I was going to have to be stuck with my mother. I was desperately waiting to hear back from a friend on whether or not I could live with them, but I got so anxious that she was going to say no that I felt I had no other choice than to get my mom to go to rehab at any means necessary. I got caught in all or nothing thinking. Thankfulky I heard back from my friend and I'll be moving out on Sunday.


That all sounds like some really healthy thought processing. And so pleased for you that you are moving out. Having just a little distance from your Mum, might really help you.