Am I being overly sensitive, or should I bring this up?

[GreySouled]

Had my appt yesterday. Was already feeling nervous and nauseous as per usual, especially when I feel like things are going to go deep. I've recently started dissociating again (apparently I did this as a kid but forgot about it) now that the mind is focused on a particular perp.

Anyway, T asked me what part needs attention today. I was scared to delve into this, but I said my inner thighs because they do "talk a lot" and I've never addressed them out loud. So, long story short, it didn't take long at all before my body/mind (I guess) gave me this image. Admittedly, bits and pieces of it have been surfacing in the last few weeks (these crazy warm weather days have definitely been triggering it), but the body became activated. I could feel myself dissociating but still grounded, or at least still able to talk. I was trying to convey to T that this incident was different than when I was younger because it's easier to [unsaid: rape] a small child, whereas with an older "child" (12ish), there are different elements ........ Then I was struggling to say what I was thinking and feeling, partly because I was feeling half stoned (dissociative part) and because I hated seeing and feeling myself or this young innocent version of myself in this particular situation AND because what I was seeing in the image lined up perfectly with what my body was feeling.

My issue is that when I was struggling to state the difference, T basically said it - exactly what I was thinking - but she said it in such as way, I feel, so as to get more of a response, kind of trigger a reaction on purpose. She said something like, 'You mean with an older child they would need to be more rough, kind of force their way in there?'

Ugh, just still causes the same distress every time I think about her saying it; struggled just typing that. The way she said it and her facial expression really made her seem like a scary person. Then a few minutes later, after I got quiet, she stopped writing and like rested her face on her hand or something (I don't really look at her dead-on in session; I usually focus on the opposite side of the room) and I saw her in my peripheral, but she actually felt way too close. I wanted to tell her to back away. I don't know if I'm overreacting because I was already mostly in a reactive state because these things were coming up all at once and the body was lighting up like a pinball machine. And what she said was what I was thinking and struggling to express anyway, but if she had said it in a neutral way, neutral tone and face, I don't think I would be so hurt by it. Like, it physically hurts to think about. I get that she is human and may be frustrated and it can be like watching paint dry sometimes, but I feel like the way she did that was an absolute no-no. Especially since she knows she's my Person.

I'm trying to wait to bring it up next time, if at all. Again, it did work - I do have more clarity, I think. I would call it a productive session, and in the past I've even felt like telling her to ask me something triggering to like jolt me or something - but I didn't. So, I don't know. Part of me can put it aside and bring it up if she ever does it again, but part of me also wants to call her right now and let her know how she hurt me; I need her to apologize and say that she won't do it again. Or maybe this is just what the next level of trauma therapy looks like, because I'm definitely at some new level for sure. I don't know.

 

[OliveJewel]

Sounds like you had a breakthrough of sorts. As I was reading your post I had flashbacks to my own trauma therapy and I can remember similar things happening when I was struggling to talk about the gross things in my life.

if she had said it in a neutral way, neutral tone and face, I don't think I would be so hurt by it.

Given that you were already in a state which was very intense and dissociative it’s possible that you were experiencing her words as angry/frustrated when they actually weren’t? Sometimes my mind does this thing when I’m stressed where it warps everything I’m hearing—*everything, even non-verbal noises like running water*—into a snarky sarcastic and angry tone. It’s odd, but I realize now that it’s a stress response.
But even if she *was* something other than neutral, the fact that you wrote

in the past I've even felt like telling her to ask me something triggering to like jolt me

Is illuminating to me—It sounds like she is really in tune with you, your child parts, what you need, and where you’re going!

maybe this is just what the next level of trauma therapy looks like

I think it is, for you. I also think you were super brave to go to that place with your T.

Something I noticed about my T is that she had to be firm but fair when I regressed and those child parts fronted—because they were SO… irrational and demanding and scared… and they NEEDED someone desperately! They had needed someone for forty years in my case. And T wanted to be there for them but she couldn’t let me just give them over to her like I wanted to do badly. Like, “Here, YOU take them!” They were whiny and squirrelly and frightened and they held a lot of information. So we had to work with them. But whenever they came out she had to be really careful, like “I am not your mom, you have to live in that body with those other parts, they will learn to take care of you.”

Maybe I’m not explaining it very well. Like for so long when we would leave session the small parts would rant and rail about how they hated T. Because she wouldn’t rescue them— they didn’t have the self-awareness to know why they were saying that, but they did. And lots of the time they railed on me—they hated me, because I didn’t let them out enough, I didn’t let them say all that they wanted to say, etc. Again, I didn’t have the self awareness to understand that until the end of therapy, at the time I was mostly confused about why I would feel the need to self harm and feel SI after therapy.

too close. I wanted to tell her to back away.

I remember when I first started hearing T’s voice internalized in me (which I didn’t know is a good sign of the therapeutic relationship) I would feel anger inside—now I realize it was some protective parts—again we didn’t want to get the little parts all riled up and hopeful that they would get a new mom. I told her that her voice in my head made me angry as I was leaving session one time. And she looked me right in the eyes and said in kind of a snappy tone, “Well, anger always was your first reaction to something.”

That shut me up and confused me. What did she mean “always”? And wasn’t I someone who *never* got angry and felt the need to learn how to get angry? I now realize she was speaking to those small parts, who were stubborn and defiant about almost everything! They had good reason to, but that still made them difficult to work with!

Anyway, I didn’t mean to ramble on so much, but just wanted to say that maybe your perception of T’s mood was affected by the state you were in. It sounds like she’s really tuned into you overall and that whatever techniques she’s using helped you to a breakthrough.

 

[RachelBigby]

I'm no expert but I agree with Olive. It can really hurt to go there, and a comment that's too on-point can feel like salt in the wound. We can be fickle with trauma. We're offended when a comment doesn't seem understanding enough, and we're offended when a comment is too exquisite. Did your T really put salt in the wound, or did she just touch right on the wound? Big difference.

Reminds me of when I give someone a massage, and I hear lots of "ow ow ow ow" when I come across a knot.

 

[Freida]

We're offended when a comment doesn't seem understanding enough, and we're offended when a comment is too exquisite.

Yep! This pretty much describes my last few years of therapy! I want her to ask me questions to help me progress, but don't want to hear any questions that might make me look inside and actually think about feeling things.

Don't be afraid to bring it up - a good t is going to be responsive because it will help her direct the lines of questioning more effectively. Plus it is good practice for using new coping skills in a safe space when you get triggered by what or how someone says something.

 

[Friday]

Am I being overly sensitive, or should I bring this up?

Can’t it be both?

FWIW … What she said has zero impact on me. At all. But all of my rape and sexual assault trauma was processed a loooooong time ago. So, from my perspective, that’s about the most G-rated / careful way I can think of describing that particular difference. <<< I’m honestly struggling to talk around it as much as I am right now, here, rather than just being clear and straightforward. Like trying to describe a sandwich without saying sandwich, or bread, or what’s in between the two slices of bread.

but she said it in such as way, I feel, so as to get more of a response, kind of trigger a reaction on purpose.

Which is very much the opposite of ^^^this^^^

Ugh, just still causes the same distress every time I think about her saying it; struggled just typing that

Here… try this : Describe the difference between a peanut butter sandwich and a ham sandwich.

It’s fairly easy/simple/straightforward, yes?

Now. describe those differences again, without using the words; sandwich, bread, peanut butter, or ham, and ideally also don’t use verbs (like it’s somehing you eat, or pickup and put in your mouth or one tastes

Or.. if I have somehow landed in a no-go zone? (And sandwiches or eating are deeply triggering/disturbing for you?) The difference between orange juice and orange soda, or sneakers and high heels, and ditto the sammich thing do so without using the most obvious things about them, instantly understood by almost anyone.

Not because the words themselves are inherently triggering or difficult, but because what they represent is, for someone else. and so you’re attempting to talk around it.

It’s a reeeeeally challenging thing to do, to talk around something.

But?

- How much distress does it cause you to talk about sandwiches or shoes?
- How much distress does it cause you to talk around sandwiches or shoes?

- How much distress does it cause you to talk about the difference in being raped as a younger child vs older child?
- How much distress does it cause you to talk around the differences?

You can gauge how much of an overreaction you’re experiencing by the difference in those reactions.

As to whether or not to bring it up with her?

ONE of the examples I listed above is deeply painful for me. Can you tell me which one, and how it effects me, and why? Probably not, right? Even if it feels like it should be “obvious” to the person experiencing it, trauma makes “obvious” connections ….that no one else can see, or at best can only begin to guess at.

The only way for others to know what we’re experiencing? Is to tell them.

Overreactions do not mean not to bring it up. Overreactions mean you have PTSD and are dealing with triggers, stressors, dysreg, & avoidance et al. ALL of which is exactly why you’re there. With her. ie DO talk with the person there to help you with your PTSD, what they’re there to help you with.

Part of me can put it aside and bring it up if she ever does it again, but part of me also wants to call her right now and let her know how she hurt me; I need her to apologize and say that she won't do it again.

Did SHE hurt you, though… or were you hurt / in pain (flashbacks, panic, emotional dysreg) whilst she was there with you?

Wounded animals bite. It’s a natural instinct to lay the blame on the nearest available target, regardless of their actual involvement or purpose in being there.

 

[Movingforward10]

I agree with everyone else.
What you're discussing is so deeply painful. It's very easy when triggered back in time to then interpret what T's say in a negative light and see them as past people.
It then just adds another painful layer being hurt or disgusted by what T says.
As hard as it might be, talking to T about how you perceived what she said, is going to be really healing.
It will help her understand what you need in those moments. Talking through her tone etc.

So , you're not being overly sensitive. But you could be highly sensitive due to the triggered state you were in, if that makes sense?
What you're feeling is valid. And good to explore with her.

What you're experiencing is also a little rupture with T. And they say there is a lot of healing to come out of these.

 

[GreySouled]

Thank you, everyone, for your responses. Very helpful. I'm short on words, still feeling raw, but you've helped immensely.