Am I Crazy?

[Casey_03]

I've been trying to repair a broken relationship with a guy I really care about. The relationship was damaged by my drinking; I'd basically bottle things up that were bothering me and then drink and end up lashing out. We didn't speak for a couple weeks after a particularly bad fight. Eventually I explained why I behaved the way I did and we both realized we had simply failed to communicate with each other and it boiled over into arguments. We started seeing each other again but he said many times that he was basically just going to use me from now on, that it couldn't be anything more than sex after my previous behavior. I was stupid, but I thought maybe he was saying this as a defense mechanism and didn't really mean it, that maybe he'd come around. So we continued to see each other and it felt like it was returning to what it initially was (not just sex but affection, cuddling, lots of time spent together). But last night when we were intimate (sorry for getting graphic), it felt cold somehow and mechanical; I asked to switch positions and he refused and kept saying he wanted to do it his way. It struck me as very selfish, so I pulled away and said 'maybe you should just get a prostitute then if you want to treat me like one." I realize I overreacted and shouldn't have said this, but he then responded as if I were an axe murderer or something --- called me mental, got up and packed his things to leave. When I said "stop, i'm sorry, I just felt used," he continued to freak out and refused to talk to me, then basically fled. I realize I overreacted but didn't think it was that bad. He reacted as if I were a lunatic wielding a gun. How out of line was I? I genuinely felt used and hurt and think it was my right to pull away, although I know the prostitute remark was a bit over the top. Thoughts please?

 

[Friday]

It's always anyone's right to pull back at any point in sex... That doesn't mean if won't hurt the other person's feelings.

Spoiler: Graphic

Do you know him well enough to know that he doesn't have prostitute issues? Esp in certain areas, and almost always in war zones, it's a common one. Neither his mother, his sister, himself? Or prostitute/rape issues? Balkans, at least, sometimes after being raped by soldiers women would get money flung at them and called filthy whores, or rape gangs / in some rape camps that was the theme of the moment ; whores getting what was coming to them... And while it's not as common a way of breaking male prisoners, rape is still used against men, or against fathers by raping their sons in front of them, sometimes paying them as an extra insult, although more often they'd steal something as "payment" for what a lousy whore their child was. Shoe on the other foot, not all soldiers have a choice. Gun's as much to their heads as the victim, get in line for the gang bang or get shot. Plus all the boys who get roped in, and hate themselves later. In war torn areas? Rape & prostitution can be seriously touchy subjects for a whole lot of people, in a lot of different ways. I've learned to tread very lightly with both subjects.

Not saying it's any of the above... He could just as easily have had his pride wounded, or feelings hurt, or similar. But knowing you're a war correspondent, it just makes me wonder if you might have opened old wounds.

 

[Casey_03]

@FridayJones Definitely no issues like the ones you mentioned - I'm in Kyiv now, not the war zone, and he's British. He's got nothing to do with the conflict and has lived a sheltered life. I'm just wondering if he was gaslighting me? Making me feel crazy for reacting in a valid, understandable way to feeling used. Or was I out of line? I honestly don't know. He's made me question my own sanity.

 

[scout86]

but he said many times that he was basically just going to use me from now on,

First, a disclaimer. I have my own issues and THAT would have flipped a switch most likely beyond redemption.

I can see, maybe, lashing out and saying something like that because you're frustrated and PO'd, but, if it's not real, once the dust settles it would need to be explained, addressed, and apologized for. And, my T frequently tells me I give people the benefit of the doubt WAY more than I probably should, so keep that in mind too. So, maybe it's best to believe this stuff? And, what kind of a person can even SAY something like that, if they don't mean it? I mean that as a real question, not a rhetorical one. Doesn't it say something about the way a person sees themselves, their value, other people's value? And, to me, it's something "not good".

Actually, HIS reaction seems a bit "crazy". Although "crazy" is kind of a hard concept to pin down. It doesn't sound, to me, like you over reacted. It DOES sound like you hit a nerve. Or he's SO selfish that he really thinks he has the "right" to have his way 100%, ALL the time.

The relationship was damaged by my drinking; I'd basically bottle things up that were bothering me and then drink and end up lashing out.

I do that too, although I don't need alcohol to set it off. Thing is, "me bottling things up" is MY problem. The fact remains, there was something TO bottle up to begin with. This is the way my divorce went down. And, I now see that it was MY fault that things lasted as long as they did, but it was a bad choice in the first place and the only thing I'd change is to draw my boundary lines bright and clear right off the bat. Then he never would have wanted to marry me, but "oh well".

Actually, I think speaking up, like you did, is what you're SUPPOSED to do. It would have been a mistake to have not said anything, "bottled things up" and waited for the eventual blow up.