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Am i even in the right thread?! i just need help!!

Discussion in 'Supporter Relationships' started by Veevivianvee, Jun 5, 2018.

  1. Veevivianvee

    Veevivianvee Active Member

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    I'm sorry if im not in the right place, but i honestly just need people to talk to who have more experience with ptsd then i do.... (IM SORRY THIS POST IS ALSO VERY LONG)

    I have anxiety, panic attacks, and i also suffer from stress induced seizures. I met my bf at the start of the new year. I'm not sure if i can even call him that anymore ..but he has combat ptsd.
    To me our relationship is beautiful! I really thought and still feel like he's the one, but when he has an "episode" (im so sorry i really dont know what to call it). I don't know how to help him! I've tried researching in every way I could and i still feel like im at square one. When something happens with him i quickly tell him i need a break, because i dont want to make things worse based on the fact that i have no idea what I'm doing. I always tell him "I'll be back babe im not going anywhere." I always check in on him and the break usually last no more than 4-days to a week max.

    My bf went on vacation last month for 3 weeks. We talked everyday and i felt so much love and couldn't wait to see him again! At the near end from his trip I asked if I would be coming home with him to spend time together. I don't know why i asked this or why i had to clarify ..after all we had planned to go home together, we had also planned to get a nice room and spend quality time together. We also planned to go to therapy together .....the appointment was set and i was thrilled because I might get the help i need to survive this thing.

    Welp, Memorial Day rolls around and its like he forgot about everything! He tells me he wants us to go home together but that he would need to spend time with his battle buddy as his battle buddy may have a chip on his should re! This immediately hurt me and pissed me off at the same time! My selfish ass was over here thinking how could you put off everything we planned for your battle buddy?! So i asked for another break. I knew i was building resentment in our relationship based on how his battle buddies feel about me ..so i needed to take a step back. Only this time i didnt get to say I'll be back ..he never even responded.

    My anxiety went in to high mode and i started texting and panicking like crazy. Days later he eventually responded saying he didn't respond based on memorial day. I told him i needed to talk to him but he went right back to ignoring me. Usually when i take a break, I don't overtext. i don't do any of that. I allow us to both have our needed space ...him to heal..and me to feel and learn im not the problem. But this time it feels different i feel like i lost him.

    I haven't heard from him in a week, then I found out through Facebook that he was also mourning for a friend who died in combat a few days after memorial day. He didn't even tell me this. If he had told me i would have understood he needed time and i would have properly and respectfully given him his space. I had to freaking find out through Facebook and google ... instead of saying i need to spend time with my battle buddy or he might have a chip on his shoulder, why couldn't he just explain ?!!!!!

    I still haven't heard from him...i miss him and i feel like he's not coming back. What can i do to at least get him to talk to me ? How can we work on things like this together ?

    Ugh it should say i need help so emotional cant even spell correctly
    I apologise !
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 16, 2018
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  3. Freida

    Freida Been There, Done That, Lived to Tell the Story Premium Member

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    Oh hun.... Stop texting him. He will come back when he's ready. Or not. But letting your anxiety overwhelm him is a sure fire way to get him to bail

    Yep. Sorry - that's sometimes how it works.Especially over memorial day. That's a tough one for all the combat vets I know

    If you are going to date someone with ptsd you have to accept the relationship they have with their Battle Buddies. BBs have their own place in our lives. They aren't friends or family or anything normal people can understand. They are battle buddies. And a lot of the times they come first. Hubby knows that if my phone rings and it's a BB I will take the call. No matter what we are doing. And he knows that sometimes the only person I can talk to is one of my BBs. I did that just yesterday -- had a 2 hour conversation with a BB and told him things that I will never tell hubby. Does it make hubby jealous? Not really - but I think it makes him sad I won't have these conversations with him. Because I can't.

    If we could explain we wouldn't have PTSD. And even if he could he knows you won't understand. That's not an accusation -- it's just a statement of fact. PTSD comes from horrible things that normal people can't wrap their minds around. So it's easier not to try.

    I don't mean to sound like your relationship doesn't have a chance. But it's going to be complicated. Your best start might be reading up the supporter threads so you can see you aren't the only one feeling like this. And see what they go through on a daily basis. Being a supporter is hard work -- I honestly don't know how they do it. But they do! So it is possible. There are just some odd things that come up in a ptsd relationship that don't come up in a normal one that you have to take into consideration
     
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  4. Sweetpea76

    Sweetpea76 Semper ubi sub ubi. Moderator Donated

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    Memorial Day is always bad for combat vets. They're remembering their fallen friends, and probably dealing with a lot of trauma memories. He's probably been stressed to the max and or triggered. He can't deal with his own emotions right now, so he really can't deal with yours. That's why he's not explaining things. That's why he's not contacting you.

    All this high emotion is making things worse. PTSD is a broken stress response. He can't manage his own stress, so he's not going to be able to deal with yours.

    Stop. Take a breath. This isn't about you. Give him some space. That's the best thing you can do.
     
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  5. Veevivianvee

    Veevivianvee Active Member

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    Thank you for your reply...i understand this at least i have been trying to be understanding ...i stopped understanding when it started seeming like he would drop everything for them but when it came time they didn't do the same.. this is kind of where i got irritated but i didnt say too much.
    For example one time he waited all week for his battle buddy to hang with him(yes i know people have lives ) and i remember he was super excited because i guess he had been trying to hang out with him for months
    Day comes and he's calling around for his battle buddy all morning...battle buddy finally gets back to him mmm maybe around 3pm saying hey dude lets meet at five ...so essentially what this guy is doing to me is blowing him off . (I dont know for sure but that was my feeling at the time as they tried to hang many times with this same behavior)5 shows and still nothing from his battle buddy..not a location nothing so by this time im beyond fed up and i tell him our time is valuable too and im done waiting for someone who doesn't have it together reschedule for a time where you can both actually plan everything so its easier for everyone ... BOOM now im the bad guy! My guy talks to his battle buddy and he finally says hey man sorry lets reschedule my gf actually isnt feeling well hasnt been feeling well all day....I understand this as i did not feel well that day either.but i wouldn't have waited until 5pm to say that if i really wanted to hang out...this is just one example of things that irritated me with his battle buddies...since then they haven't really talked and the buddy has now moved and he blames me i have to laugh at him blaming me because...i dont see how it came down to me being responsible for them not having it together
     
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  6. Veevivianvee

    Veevivianvee Active Member

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    You're right and i usually dont i was all over the place but now ive stopped texting him.although im super confused about the situation i don't want to text him anymore ...i didnt want to continue to text him in the first place i mainly wanted to explain some things so he wouldn't think i was breaking up with him at a time when he would be or feel really low
     
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  7. Veevivianvee

    Veevivianvee Active Member

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    ....idk it was weird for me because he wasn't like that before i asked if we were going home together.. so it kind of caught me off guard usually he mentions if he doesn't feel well or if he wont mentally be ok..but what I actually mean is saying he wanted to spend time with his battle buddies based on memorial day which i wanted him to do anyway...but not just memorial day but the death of their friend.. he never mentioned the friend ..and just made it sound like his buddy would have a chip on his shoulder if he immediately came back to spend time with me ...its not like he didnt know memorial day wasn't coming or that his friends anniversary wasnt approaching. I guess what I'm saying is i wish he worded it differently instead of the way he did .. especially since this battle buddy and i got our wires crossed some where
     
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  8. Sweetpea76

    Sweetpea76 Semper ubi sub ubi. Moderator Donated

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    Battle buddies are a special circumstance... especially if they served in combat together. They'll be closer than brothers and best friends combined. They're the ones your vet have literally trusted with his life.

    A good rule of thumb is "hands off Battle Buddies." Don't complain about them, dont interfere in their relationship, don't criticize or get jealous of time they want to spend with them. Unless his BB is taking him out for hookers and coke, I'd just drop it and let him be. We as civilians aren't gonna understand the type of relationship they have, so it's best to just accept it and roll on.

    Complaining about his Battle Buddy is guaranteed to piss off a vet.
     
  9. Veevivianvee

    Veevivianvee Active Member

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    I dont really interfere in the relationships in my opinion...and i definitely try to mind my p's and q's with the one he lives with even though i know he doesn't like me for god knows what reason ...i dont feel ive been jealous because i prefer not spending all my time with someone so I don't mind when he needs time with friends ...it just annoyed me that i didnt see him for a month..and that we made plans for when he got back and we shouldn't have and i wouldn't have if i knew the situation..i know i can not think about this situation logically which pisses me off even more ... because to me you knew these events were coming its been the same time every time for 12 years .....
     
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  10. Sweetpea76

    Sweetpea76 Semper ubi sub ubi. Moderator Donated

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    It probably stresses him out even talking about it.

    And heads up... Veterans Day through the end of the holidays usually suck like this too. Not necessarily, but it seems to be a trend with some of the vets.
     
  11. Veevivianvee

    Veevivianvee Active Member

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    That sucks....but at least now I know what i can expect so im really thankful for the heads up... I really wasn't prepared for things to be like this ..but i guess its something i can't actually prepare for ..im not sure whats normal and what's not these days ..these days i really dont know what normal is ..i usually do my best to try not to add to his plate but i truly think this time was too much for me
     
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  12. LuckiLee

    LuckiLee I'm a VIP

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    Read the PTSD stress cup explanation. It seems like you're adding more stress in his life. That isn't going to work. I understand you want his undivided attention but that's not how PTSD relationships work.

    Memorial day brings back all the trauma and loss he's gone through. If he needs his BB's what's the problem? He should be able to comfort himself however he needs to. And you complaining about his BB's I feel is crossing a line.

    I'd give him space and time to get himself together. My guy is just now feeling a bit better after Memorial day. It's been h*ll around here.

    Good luck!
     
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  13. EveHarrington

    EveHarrington _______ in progress. Premium Member

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    I think it would be a good idea to work on accepting the last minute cancellations. Its kind of just part of the package deal.... I say this as someone who does the last minute cancellation thing, and someone who has to deal with the last minute cancellations of others(because of their health issues). Yes, it sucks, but accepting it is by far better than fighting against it (you can’t win). If you fight against it, you’ll get upset and the other person will likely end up getting so stressed that they’ll just drop you. And yes, getting cancelled on SUCKS, and there is emotional fallout, but essentially it’s saying “it’s the disorder, it’s not me. Having this person in my life means that this is something I’ll have to accept about them.” And if you can’t accept this? Best to figure that out now and move on.
     
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