Notgoodatnames
New Here
Hi everyone, I'm sorry if this is too long, or too inarticulate. I'm exhausted.
For background I've been with my partner for 13 years, on and off and on again. He is the love of my life. He is strong, and kind, and observant, and we can laugh together, and when I'm with him he feels like home, and he sees me in a way that I don't feel like anyone else ever has.
He has never been diagnosed but I believe he suffers from CPTSD. He was abandoned and left to fend for himself as a child, and I feel like he was betrayed or mistreated by almost every adult in his life that should have been the ones to help and cherish him. When we first met he used to tell me a lot that he had been "on his own" from the age of 11. When he is upset (triggered?) he is just gone. I believe he dissociates. There is no warning, he is just not reachable. Each time it's a shock, like suddenly being plunged into ice cold water, because everything changes instantly. Back then, we fell into a dynamic where he would stop answering the phone, but sooner or later I would run into him on the street, and we would talk a little, although he would be sort of "not there" - like his body would be going through the motions, but his soul would be somewhere else, but slowly he would start to come back, and eventually he would pick up the phone again, and come back to my house, and we would be ok until the next time.
Four or five years ago we finally got to a place where we really talked, and he finally told me he loved me. It was clear before that, but he had never said it, and we were able to have some more open and vulnerable conversation and he promised he would never leave me again. He kept saying "you always find me", and I always did - I couldn't help myself, because he is my person, and through thick and thin he feels right for me. And I think, maybe? that he needs me to keep finding him, to prove to him that he is worthy of being found, because of all those people in his childhood that left him and didn't look back. Things have been better these last 4 years, and we started running a business together, which in some ways has been great because it's a kind of non-emotional hook that necessitates communication even when he is in a phase where he feels numb. And I'm starting to be able to understand more of what is going on for him, and just how much he is dealing with.
However.... I had to leave the country to come home and sort out some affairs and visit my parents, who were in a serious car accident last year. The day before I was leaving, there was a misunderstanding with a vendor - I had needed an insurance certificate from them, and didn't have the right contact, and had ended up calling the insurance company, and the vendor (who didn't have my number) called him and was very upset. When I then was able to speak to the vendor and explain there was an audit coming up, everything was fine and all straightened out congenially in a 5 minute phone call. However my partner called my furious, and was yelling at me, and accusing me of putting him in danger and that he could get taken to court. (As a sidenote, I would NEVER do anything that would put him or his business at risk like that). In retrospect, it was clear that this was an oversized reaction, and maybe due to the fact that he was anxious about me leaving, but in the moment I raised my voice to try and get him to listen to me, because it was really hurtful to me that in these situations he always believes the worst possible thing about me. And then he hung up the phone and cut off all communication.
This was 4 weeks ago. So it's been hellish. When able to calm down and parse it through I feel terrible for raising my voice at him, but also frustrated because I'm only human and sometimes I make mistakes, but once it's happened there is no gong back, no apologizing, no anything, and while I can intellectually understand why, I still feel abandoned. Last time we had a break like this, he would still communicate about work, but this time, he won't talk to me at all, so I've also been in the position of fielding client calls, with information that needs to be passed on. I've been emailing whatever needs to be communicated but with no response I can't tell what information is making its way through, and so on top of feeling alone and abandoned, I'm also trying to protect his business from falling apart and hide from clients the fact that he isn't speaking to me, which - I don't know?????? there is no manual for this.
I've been trying to be non-confrontational, and just communicate what needs to be said work wise, and hope for the best. I had tried a few times to call (like once a week) and sent him a few texts telling him that I love him, and I miss him, and I hope that he's ok - because I don't want to overload him, but I also thought it he's feeling abandoned it might be reassuring? He agreed by text to a phone call for the first time a few days ago, so we were able to speak - pretty much about work - but I'm hoping it's the beginning of the end, because I don't know how much longer I can keep up the client charade. Am I doing the right thing? I "think" he can't help it when he disappears, and I "think" he wants me to keep trying, but it's hard to know and trying to work it all out with no guidance is exhausting. And while I'm trying to be rational and calm and level-headed, and remind myself that this has happened before and that he always comes back, every time it happens I feel abandoned and terrified that this time is really it, and he won't come back. And I love and adore him, and at the same time I'm scared because it means I can't rely on him: if in the middle of one of these episodes something really bad happened - if I was hospitalized or something - would he come, or would nothing make him come when he is in hiding?
I'm just so tired and I really really need some people that have been through this: thoughts, advice, support - anything? I have 2 friends that know the whole situation. One currently has a newborn and the other is hospitalized with leukemia and I can't burden either of them. I also am wary of discussing his behavior with friends and family, because if they only see me in relation to him when I'm broken and distraught, I'm afraid of it turning them against him, and I want to protect him from that. I'm also struggling with the fact that when we are apart and he's in a bad place, it gives me a lot of time to think, and every time I think that I should at least try and talk to him about getting treatment, but it always takes a while for things to go back to normal, and I'm scared of bringing it up when he's in a bad place and him going away again, and then when things are good it all feels a little crazy, like this whole other world doesn't exist. Until it does and I'm thrown right back down there again.
Ugh. Sorry. I'm not even sure this relates to the topic heading, it's just all been bottled up for so long.
For background I've been with my partner for 13 years, on and off and on again. He is the love of my life. He is strong, and kind, and observant, and we can laugh together, and when I'm with him he feels like home, and he sees me in a way that I don't feel like anyone else ever has.
He has never been diagnosed but I believe he suffers from CPTSD. He was abandoned and left to fend for himself as a child, and I feel like he was betrayed or mistreated by almost every adult in his life that should have been the ones to help and cherish him. When we first met he used to tell me a lot that he had been "on his own" from the age of 11. When he is upset (triggered?) he is just gone. I believe he dissociates. There is no warning, he is just not reachable. Each time it's a shock, like suddenly being plunged into ice cold water, because everything changes instantly. Back then, we fell into a dynamic where he would stop answering the phone, but sooner or later I would run into him on the street, and we would talk a little, although he would be sort of "not there" - like his body would be going through the motions, but his soul would be somewhere else, but slowly he would start to come back, and eventually he would pick up the phone again, and come back to my house, and we would be ok until the next time.
Four or five years ago we finally got to a place where we really talked, and he finally told me he loved me. It was clear before that, but he had never said it, and we were able to have some more open and vulnerable conversation and he promised he would never leave me again. He kept saying "you always find me", and I always did - I couldn't help myself, because he is my person, and through thick and thin he feels right for me. And I think, maybe? that he needs me to keep finding him, to prove to him that he is worthy of being found, because of all those people in his childhood that left him and didn't look back. Things have been better these last 4 years, and we started running a business together, which in some ways has been great because it's a kind of non-emotional hook that necessitates communication even when he is in a phase where he feels numb. And I'm starting to be able to understand more of what is going on for him, and just how much he is dealing with.
However.... I had to leave the country to come home and sort out some affairs and visit my parents, who were in a serious car accident last year. The day before I was leaving, there was a misunderstanding with a vendor - I had needed an insurance certificate from them, and didn't have the right contact, and had ended up calling the insurance company, and the vendor (who didn't have my number) called him and was very upset. When I then was able to speak to the vendor and explain there was an audit coming up, everything was fine and all straightened out congenially in a 5 minute phone call. However my partner called my furious, and was yelling at me, and accusing me of putting him in danger and that he could get taken to court. (As a sidenote, I would NEVER do anything that would put him or his business at risk like that). In retrospect, it was clear that this was an oversized reaction, and maybe due to the fact that he was anxious about me leaving, but in the moment I raised my voice to try and get him to listen to me, because it was really hurtful to me that in these situations he always believes the worst possible thing about me. And then he hung up the phone and cut off all communication.
This was 4 weeks ago. So it's been hellish. When able to calm down and parse it through I feel terrible for raising my voice at him, but also frustrated because I'm only human and sometimes I make mistakes, but once it's happened there is no gong back, no apologizing, no anything, and while I can intellectually understand why, I still feel abandoned. Last time we had a break like this, he would still communicate about work, but this time, he won't talk to me at all, so I've also been in the position of fielding client calls, with information that needs to be passed on. I've been emailing whatever needs to be communicated but with no response I can't tell what information is making its way through, and so on top of feeling alone and abandoned, I'm also trying to protect his business from falling apart and hide from clients the fact that he isn't speaking to me, which - I don't know?????? there is no manual for this.
I've been trying to be non-confrontational, and just communicate what needs to be said work wise, and hope for the best. I had tried a few times to call (like once a week) and sent him a few texts telling him that I love him, and I miss him, and I hope that he's ok - because I don't want to overload him, but I also thought it he's feeling abandoned it might be reassuring? He agreed by text to a phone call for the first time a few days ago, so we were able to speak - pretty much about work - but I'm hoping it's the beginning of the end, because I don't know how much longer I can keep up the client charade. Am I doing the right thing? I "think" he can't help it when he disappears, and I "think" he wants me to keep trying, but it's hard to know and trying to work it all out with no guidance is exhausting. And while I'm trying to be rational and calm and level-headed, and remind myself that this has happened before and that he always comes back, every time it happens I feel abandoned and terrified that this time is really it, and he won't come back. And I love and adore him, and at the same time I'm scared because it means I can't rely on him: if in the middle of one of these episodes something really bad happened - if I was hospitalized or something - would he come, or would nothing make him come when he is in hiding?
I'm just so tired and I really really need some people that have been through this: thoughts, advice, support - anything? I have 2 friends that know the whole situation. One currently has a newborn and the other is hospitalized with leukemia and I can't burden either of them. I also am wary of discussing his behavior with friends and family, because if they only see me in relation to him when I'm broken and distraught, I'm afraid of it turning them against him, and I want to protect him from that. I'm also struggling with the fact that when we are apart and he's in a bad place, it gives me a lot of time to think, and every time I think that I should at least try and talk to him about getting treatment, but it always takes a while for things to go back to normal, and I'm scared of bringing it up when he's in a bad place and him going away again, and then when things are good it all feels a little crazy, like this whole other world doesn't exist. Until it does and I'm thrown right back down there again.
Ugh. Sorry. I'm not even sure this relates to the topic heading, it's just all been bottled up for so long.
