Am I Helping Or Making It Worse?

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silkleaves

MyPTSD Pro
I don't know... I mean it doesn't affect us all the same way. My group was all Military sexual trauma sufferers, but like some cried when they got stressed, others like me folded up and glazed over, and a couple guys got angry, one even ended up in another group too to address that cause he was scaring his family, and he got more angry about that, with himself.

Like, I pretty much try to avoid people when I'm in a certain state because for one I'm unpredictable and don't trust myself. So yeah I'm neglectful. Not just of them but myself.. basic stuff fails me sometimes. And I'm not abusive to others, but I'm abusive to myself, emotionally and physically. I lash inwards, but some people lash outwards.

Actually, if I could do away with the neglect and abusive aspect I could handle living with PTSD much easier. Cause those parts really suck.

And those in combat, all I know is that is a completely different world I can't begin to understand. I really can't say what's expected of how someone is supposed to behave coming out of that experience.
 

silkleaves

MyPTSD Pro
I will say though, I agree with those who say if he's not getting treatment, the best thing to do is separate yourself from him and the situation.

Soldiers really are trained to kill when stressed, those is combat had that put to the test. Even my training, it's nuts how so many years later I'll automatically react. It's no joke and he needs a professional. You'll end up hurting yourself trying to fix him by yourself.
 

nursenurse

MyPTSD Pro
Marry in haste, repent at leisure. You guys moved in entirely too quickly, and the consequences mean you feel and are to a certain extent, stuck. You have to realize that what you see is what you may get for the rest of your life. You tow need time apart, him to sort himself out, and if he is not willing to get therapy for himself, not for you, then you are dead in the water. He can make all sorts of promises to you, but if his mind is not set around the fact that he needs the healing, then you will be going no where fast.

If he truly is a narcissist, why would you want to commit to a life of that? PTSD requires a lot of giving to the sufferer, but not because they are narcissists, in fact most of the ones I have met on the forum are far from it.

Why wait until the next lamp hurled hits you? Would you take this from a non-PTSD relationship?

Give yourselves the gift of time. Move out. Let him work on himself, and you on yourself. therapy for you, why you would want to be treated as he has treated you thus far because of love? Or are you that needy that this will do, the negative attention. Just throwing that out there. It means you need to search your soul as well. Love is never enough and you are no less a person if you give up on a relationship that has already started out with emotional abuse, with the threat of physical violence looming over head. or even if you just want out. That is life. Get one for yourself.
 

The Hermit King

Confident
I am a US Army combat veteran and have been living with PTSD for 10 years now. After reading how this guy is treating you it's obvious to me that he does not have a handle on his PTSD at all and needs to be in therapy on a regular basis. He does not appreciate you and the fact he said to never bring up the lack of affection thing again tells me that he is not willing to do a damn thing to try and save the relationship.


I used to be like him and it is going to take a good woman leaving him to make him wake up.
 

LadyAnne92

New Here
Well I don't want to have to leave him, but I also don't want to be an enabler. Since I joined this forum yesterday, I have completely immersed myself in research about PTSD, and I am finding that it completely changes my outlook. I am realizing that up until now, I have expected him to be able to be a "normal" boyfriend in spite of his PTSD. He really does downplay his issues and he doesn't like to talk about them at all. Anyway, now that I realize that this is not and may never be a normal relationship, I think it will eliminate any and all pressure I was putting on him. I think I will sit him down and tell him that I understand that he is struggling right now and that I don't expect him to be perfect...that I am not holding him to any standard of performance as a boyfriend or lover. I don't want him to subconsciously feel that this is yet another area that he is failing in. The truth is, I love him and I want him and only him, whether he is a whole man or not. If we can stick to each other through this, I believe that someday he will come out on the other side and we will be so thankful for each other. However, I draw the line at abuse. I can't keep letting him treat me that way with no consequence...but in hindsight, I really think I have had a lot to do with triggering those incidents, even though my motive is the best.
 

nursenurse

MyPTSD Pro
NOOOOOO! That is the enabler mentality - regardless of what happened, he had no right at all to treat you in an abusive manner. Keep reading, you are in no way responsible for that, get that out of your head. What PTSD will do is bring out those kinds of things that were buried deep down. Leave him alone for now. Don't sit him down, don't do anything. He has to learn to value himself and you.

Keep reading your post over and over and over again. If a good friend was to repeat that story to you, what would you say? Don't accept anything but the best for yourself, and do not take the blame ever for how he reacted. You yourself said he seems narcissistic. Really reflect on that, and do so honestly. The PTSD relationships that survive are the ones where the sufferer admits freely of his/her own volition, that they need help, and they usually feel and express not being good enough for their significant other. A lot of sufferers end up hitting the bottom of the barrel before they can pull themselves together. Tread very carefully and keep reading. One day here is not prep enough for what you are likely to encounter.
 

silkleaves

MyPTSD Pro
@nursenurse is right... I have a tendency to get involved with narcissistic / sociopath men. In my last relationship, I said and believed everything you said in your last post there @LadyAnne92 ...

I resigned myself to it to accept him for who he is, to not "hold him to any standards" in my head I twisted it so that...he is going through so much, he needs me to just support him to be there for him, and my big line that I said, not only to myself but to him was that one day it would all be worth it. I loved and adored this guy. My needs, what I wanted came second to just making sure I was there for him to support him. And in the end, not only did I get my heart broke, he completely and totally devastated and humiliated me.

And the thing is, he was happy to have me around, because he felt comfortable just being himself to act like he wanted, do whatever he wanted, without having to hear any flack from me about it. But he really wanted a woman who didn't take his nonsense, who held him to standards of what she deserved *now* and wanted to be in a relationship that was worth it *now* not at some unforeseen point in the future. She had standards and made him want to be a better man, and that is what made him feel good about himself and strive to do something to try and improve himself, because he knew that if he didn't shape up, she would leave. He's now married and just had a baby.

I thought he would see how much I loved him and would appreciate me and all these hard times would be worth it one day, instead, he had no respect for me because I didn't have enough respect for myself to demand to be treated right. We were together 3 years, and I found out in the end he was telling people he saw me as pathetic and desperate, that yeah Im sweet and nice to be around, but he can do better. And he told me flat out that he just kept me around to be there for him and do things for him. I made myself easy to take advantage of, that he knew that he was doing me wrong, but I put up with it so he didn't see any reason to try and treat me any better. He let me know, he just didn't need me anymore, and that was that. I was a major enabler for his behavior, and I got what I got for it.
 
T

thisbejoe7

I think you need to consider what you are willing to deal with and what you are not. Set healthy boundaries if you refuse to end the relationship. Make sure there are clear and safe consequences if he violates the boundaries.

However, I have to say that unless he gets some serious therapy and decides to invest in the relationship - things are unlikely to change much. He will continue to do the things that frustrate you, make you feel unwanted, unloved, etc. Can you accept that he may not change? Can you live with that fact long term? Will you be happy? I know these are hard questions to ask yourself, but I sincerely hope that you don't let your emotions trap you in a one sided relationship that will make you miserable. You are not his savior, you don't owe him anything. I know that your feelings for him make your judgment cloudy, but try to think through some of these hard questions.
 

LadyAnne92

New Here
Those are all very valid questions...since the last incident when he lost it, I have been pondering all of these things. It's so hard to pinpoint exactly how I feel about this. When he has one of his rare "blue sky moments" where the sun seems to shine through the clouds, I am over the moon happy and never want to leave him...but these are becoming more and more seldom. I could push through anything if only he would give me the occasional thank you...not because I want praise, but simply because I want to know that all of my effort is worth something to him. He is so touchy that I never know what will annoy him...things that would endear me to a normal person seem to tick him off.
 
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