Am I In Denial?

[Real]

I've been trying to break through what seems like DENIAL. I start to feel better with the ptsd symptoms letting up, and then I try to convince myself I don't actually have ptsd. I am on meds now that seem to help stabilize my mood more, but this week I became totally overwhelmed with a deep deep sadness and the panic again. I'm not sure how to just accept what is going on inside and that I have to deal with this. I guess I'm frustrated that it's all taking so long. I don't want my life to feel like it's on hold, but for now it is. I don't know how to just take care of myself and my needs, so I feel guilty. I'm not even sure what the goal of ptsd treatment/therapy is. Will I be free? Will I remember enough? Will this be with me for the rest of my life? I know I can function if I have to--have a steady job, etc. I did for years, but I always had this sadness and emptiness inside. Will that go away? Or is emptiness just part of life? I don't know what "normal" is.

I am not sure if anyone can relate.
thanks,
R

 

[Tiger Kitten]

I could have written that. I can relate, unfortunately. I believe that it will get better. Will be more understandable eventually. There is hope. The ptsd crap will never go completely away, but it will get easier to cope with. My emptiness hasn't gone away yet, but it shows signs of receding. I wish I had all kinds of sunshine and light and hope to offer you, but right now I am not able to do so. As far as normal goes, I personally believe that normal for you is whatever you make it and that it can change. My normal right now is stressed out to the point of inactivity. What I am working on making my normal is a peace inside myself so that I can create peace in my little portion of the world.

I wish I could help somehow, but I am not yet in a place that I can. I will get there though. The goal of ptsd treatment/therapy is to give you the ability to cope with the symptoms (at least that's my take on it.)

Tiger

 

[anthony]

It is very common for a person to think they are better than they are when improvement is shown. It is like a depressed person who doesn't believe they are depressed. The moment meds begin to make them feel better, they fail to comprehend that it is the medication keeping them from a depressive state initially, nothing else. Often they stop taking the medication and become depressed again. It is very common with schizophrenics I believe, where they begin feeling ok so they stop taking meds.... the problem though is once they relapse without the meds, they then can't see for themselves how they are until again on the meds again. It can become a vicious cycle if you don't have an honest approach and mindset to this.

 

[gdf]

Hi Real,

I think that a lot of it depends on what your definition of normal is. I know I will never be 100% functional (kids, relationships, etc.) but I figure if I am working, enjoying life (or most parts of it) and can get the normal daily things done then I am doing pretty well. Sometime it's ok to put things on hold for a while. If we had cancer or broken bones, we probably wouldn't be feeling guilty about being in the hospital to heal or taking it a little easier. If you don't clean the house for a couple of weeks and it's because we have a broken leg that's ok but if we can't function because of depression or PTSD we tend to condemn ourselves. Be gentle with yourself and remind yourself that it is real and it will get better eventually with the right people and treatment in your life. Blessings.

 

[TLight]

Great advice gdf

 

[Jestadud]

Hello , welcome to the new you.
Grab a big stick and learn to balance!

 

[LikeCharlotte]

The hardest thing for me to accept is that PTSD will always be with me. I understand. I can tell you that I have been living with CPTSD for a long long time and it gets better slowly for me - but it does get better. I can look back and see the giant steps I have taken but I can never see them at the time. Sometimes you don't see the forest through the trees but it is there. You may never have "normal" but you will have joy and hope. Give your medication a chance. It will work and if you still feel this way when you talk to your doc maybe you can change medication. Either way, any steps you take toward healing are huge. You have made it this far and you will feel better.

 

[Jestadud]

Hello Real

Just stumbled across the response I posted last week to this thread and am embarrassed by it. Want you to know that I can relate to what you have written (and clearly did very strongly last week also).
The point I would like to make is that it's like we are walking a line as in a sobriety test or a tightrope, on one side is "ok" and on the other is "not ok" one side is bricks the other is jelly.
Sometimes we are going to wobble and we are going to put a foot out to steady ourselves as we proceed along the line. Sometimes the foot will go into the "not ok" side and we can get so out of balance that we have to steady ourselves before continuing.

This was behind my thinking about learning to balance. Now as clear as mud maybe!

 

[Philippa]

Again, I know this thread is old, and dead...but I am here to revive it by saying that this is exactly what I went through when I first was diagnosed. For so long I denied I even had it. How could what happened to me compare to vietnam veteran horror? It seemed ridiculous to me. I guess I was in denial for a while after that diagnosis. Even now, I function so well that I think, "How can I have this", but I've also pushed myself, and become so determined to live a fairly normal life...even though prior to all this happening the idea of a normal life repulsed me and I didn't want one. Funny how you can appreciate something once it is no longer an option!

I've become real good at grabbing the bull by the horn and just doing it...and I seem to find this reserve of strength that I don't know where it comes from, to help me when adversity strikes...but I also know that bad times too, and have been really unstable at certain points.

I was like how Anthony described many people with PTSD. I went on the meds, and as soon as I felt better I abruptly stopped...which caused HUGE problems for me. I ended up homeless and in a DV shelter after I schized out in front of my parents, tried to kick my mother in the stomach and had to be restrained by my father who hit me and kicked me out. I only read about that behavior being 'normal' for people who abruptly stop taking their meds, in the last year...and it's been 8 years since that happened to me.

I guess I was in denial about the whole thing, and didn't realize it...which is what denial is I guess.

Weird life.