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Am I Just Crazy?

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Md_Man

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Ok, I was not a English major, so anyone reading, please know that now.. I likely will not use punctuation correctly and capitalize words.. pretty much at random..heh

I was born in the Early 70s, to a steelworker and stay at home mother. My father was always a amazingly hard worker, would give his shirt off his back to friends, family, anyone. and was often taken advantage of for it. I remember days of eating "Welfare Cheese" and I actually liked the Peanut butter... though.. I grew up in a inner city, quickly (when I was in 1st of 2nd grade) my Father went to work one day and the Steel company was closed.. My father a very strong man, was.. Illiterate he could not read. Was out of work, and it made it rough, we always had love though... I was "All Boy" as described by relatives, with a knack for new found technology. My father ended up at a gas station and purchased a computer for me. it was probably 1984 ish and was a commdore 64, I quickly got into bad things with my street smarts and knack for technology. A family friend who was in his early 20's at the time would take us neighborhood boys to the Public pool often, his name was George). My father ended up having a affair on my Mother, with her best friend. I recall all the fights, I recall my father begging, with his rifle to his head... eventually things went back to "normal" my mother always "Partied" alot she is/was a true child of the 60's. as a teen I was into Hacking which at the time was a very grey area in the law. I had moved out at 16 (after experimenting with drugs one night and finding the bad cocaine we got was from that guy "Blank Name" which ended up being my father) I quickly moved out being angry at my father (now I feel he was just trying to support and give his bratty kid (me) what he wanted, however he could)..

I went to a Vo-tech school after highschool didnt work and got a job in the computer field, I was now over 18 and didnt want to go to jail, so I wanted to make a legal living... I hadnt been to my old neighborhood much, and went back to a local bar one night "George" came in and when he went to say Hi to me, I slugged him, absolutely no provacation and took off.. I had a memory, his grandmother who had once lived with would adamently not let us in Georges bedroom, and when he moved out with his brother, I recall being in georges bedroom and his brother coming in and them getting in a fight (Physical fight) over me being there and what we had done, but no recollection of what had happened, I do have recollections of something happening, to me, but I do not see who it is.. although I feel in my stomache it was that day...

I got married to my girlfriend, I didnt want to get married, but thought that was what you did, I had been working with the government (intel agency) for awhile and was moving up slowly but surely. My wife and I fought alot, we were kids, I was 20, my interest really was my car and making more money, I never wanted to be looked at as poor again. I did computer work day and night, and was sucked into the fantasy world of Hacking, living by another name come night time and when I wasnt working online my psuedonym noone new of.. I was whatever I wanted to be. The relationship with the (Now ex) wife got worse over the next 10 years.. finally, I couldnt take it anymore and told her I needed out. I had been living a entire life online, and seeing what I wanted my life like from the sidelines I felt.

(Just prior to the divorce discussion with the ex) I had been working quite heavily on some very privy jobs for the government, I witnessed alot of bad things, albeit remotely, via satelite, telephone, etc. I never thought PTSD would come from that. I honestly felt during this time I might be a sociopath, cause I could just shut those feelings off.

While still Legally married to my ex wife I was online flirting and talking with tons of other women ( I had become my father at one point I thought). I made up stories cause I couldnt explain my employment really so I made elaborate stories of being in the marines, etc. I would never meet them so I thought it ok.. I met a woman that scvared me, we talked and talked.. She was everything I wanted, I yearned for her, and later I would find out she did the same, I finally after standing her up for meeting for dinner or something 3-4 times told her I was married, and my situation, but that I had actually "technically" ended it with my then wife. I was already in love with this woman. she was real.. I felt amazing for her to be in my life (still do).

I worked at higher and higher levels made more money, divorced my ex and married this woman.(still are married). I worked awesome jobs but couldnt discuss any of it. I witnessed more bad stuff, and partied alot (only alcohol) until, she became pregnant and had my son, I partied one night and got really drunk. I had a panic attack (which I never told her of) but called her and said I was going to sleep it off in the car and drive home, to which she called my sister cause sleeping in your car in the inner city, well thats crazy. I havent drank much at all since..I started having some more anxiety off and on...

My now wife met a friend who was younger and they seemed to get along (female friend), the would go out on "Ladies night" to a local bar. I had asked a few times if I could tag along, but it was ladies night.. I started to wonder as our sex life was terrible at this time, yet every weds she would dress up, do her hair, makeup and put our son to bed prior to taking off for the evening. One day I got a weird feeling so I checked her cell phone records online.. she was calling the same number just after leaving the house for girls night and just prior to walking in the door at night.. and it was not the girlfriends number. I setup a online account with oovo and called it, a guy answered.. I said "Tell her I know".. but was unsure if that was "another man" I then started texting the number as if I was a female.. he told me hi name and I quickly knew him as a former lover/BF type.. who she had only told me was she hated him and he would not speak to her as he knew she would probably hit him.

I Love my wife, I know alot of people will say "F that" and I would have, but there was more.. We went to counseling and worked on us, we are still together to this day. I still love her and don't believe she would cheat on me again (deep inside I feel that way).

I then got laid off after being a government contractor for nearly 20 years, due to money owed to the ex, a house me and the ex owned jointly still being in foreclosure, etc the Agency would not re active my clearance, suddenly.. I figured maybe I should talk about this stuff which has been kind of bothering me, but then I figured.. maybe I should hold off I dont want to lose my clearance or anything (ther ewas always a fear amongst people for losing it if you see a shrink) I was afraid of marriage counseling showing up..

as the next year goes by I slowly develop insomnia, anxiety, mood swings. and now paranoia.. I awake at night in a panic attack often even after taking Ambien and Xanax some nights just to get to sleep.


For years I had kept the lie of being a Former Marine up with my current wife as I honestly have always thought if she found out now she would leave me...

Our son (now 6) had actually been the link which got us to church.. (thats a long story as well) but we are in church and I have renewed faith, I prayed every night for me to have a way to tell my wife.. then one day.. on a whim she calls my mother and asks.. she calls me and tells me, I thought that was it. I was enraged.. then after being on the phone I thought "Well I've been asking, he answered" not how I may have wanted, but its here.. and out now. My wife ran into our pastor as if sent from god that night, she explained to him and he offered his help. I met with him and we discussed it I begged god for forgiveness that night, explained what is going on in my head, etc.

Me and the wife are working on it, I know she loves me, I am just afraid as hell she will cheat again now, or just up and leave.. I'm going through all this PTSD shit and this comes out.. she doesnt 100% believe me on the PTSD even.

I am so paranoid I wind up thinking people dont like me, or don't want her with me, etc. etc. I see my wife do things like take her phone to the bathroom or put it under her pillow as she naps (like she just did and I had to ask her why even) and I am thinking, is she doing that cause she is texting someone else and dont want me to see.

I have flashbacks of things I have witnessed and until about 2 months ago I never even told my therapist...I am unsure if he believes me now since me and the wife went to see her and I explained what I lied about as well.. ( I lied to her in couples counseling, only about the marines part, my feelings toward my wife are real and true)

I feel I have ruined my life, I would never do anything to hurt myself, I would never do that to my family..
I don't know where to turn, I have emailed several PTSD groups nearby to join and not even a return call or email (emailed 2 called and left voicemail for 1) and nothing..

Its hard as I dont even know what I can say of my flashbacks, and what was going on as some I am sure is still classified..

I just pray that somehow, I can fix me, and win the trust of my wife back and actually enjoy this amazing life I have.. My family is my world.. and I never had planned on having kids even.. it hurts so deep I have pains in my chest (stress/anxiety) just typing all this out.. I am sure there are lots of details I have left and will probably fill in those blanks at some point as I go.. I just had to put something out and vent. After arguing with my wife the other night, (Accusing her of cheating again cause she went to a friends house) and I was upset becaue of the hours like 10pm-1:30am but we all have kids and apparently that was the only time they had and my wife had to deliver bad news to her friend that the company they work for could no longer employ her due to low work levels...

I feel terrible, I don't want to lose my wife, but if she were to cheat on me, its my biggest fear while going through this stuff with flashbacks, etc. she and my kids are all I have and I am absolutely TERRIFIED of losing that foundation, but at the same time, I think I am taring it away myself.. can anyone help me? I pray nightly that I could wake up and the PTSD stuff was just a dream a very bad dream and over.. but every night I wake up again and sometimes recently remember things I totally forgot about or maybe just blocked out.. I am unsure how to get out of this hole...

I have looked on this site for a good while now (I have actually been experiencing what I now know as PTSD symptoms) since January of 2013 prior to that I still drank (really on beer, but one leads to two, leads to three) I dont know how to deal with this or myself.. I don't want to lean to hard on my wife, as I think thats a) not fair and b) She is questioning me due to my lies..

I know I am responsible for half, well actually all I chose to be in this line of work... Noone forced me, I wasn't drafted I was a Civilian, and a contractor mostly in time.. After becoming accustom to less money.. I look back at that poor kid I once was and wish I could tell him.. money isnt worth it buddy..

I dont know were to go from here.. I am very analytical.. and I cant even begin to understand how to go, It is nearly paralyzing to leave my family and/or my home, but I thnk that also is causing it to be worse.. nothing to do, and doing nothing lets my mind just idle away and instrusive thoughts come running...
 
Also I have no real friends to talk to, I have alienated most of them outside of facebook contact over the last several years, most of my "friends" where in the cleared world and seem to have left with my clearance..
 
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Wow! I hope you find the help you need here. I came here trying to learn about PTSD for a guy I was talking to, so I don't have it myself. However after reading your story I will say this...I can not say whether or not your wife is being unfaithful but to sleep with her phone under her pillow or taking it to the bathroom, well I did just those two things and I had something to hide. I never left my phone out of my site when my ex husband was home. I was seeing someone else and even though I don't condone what I did and am not going to explain it...every night I kept that phone under my pillow in fears he would find out. He even noticed it and I'd lie my way out of it. Does not mean its the case with your wife but it does raise some red flags. It seems you are worried about it so you can do two things..1. Keep wondering and hoping that she's telling the truth. 2. Pull the phone records and see for yourself to put your mind at ease. Hopefully things will get better for you.
 
Yeah.. its a little harder then that.. my provider will not release any text mesage data and she knows previously I pulled the phone records..I doubt she is, I just wonder how much is my paranoia and how much is red flags on that.. I would not be able to handle that now.. it would literally put me in a facility.. cause then not only have I lost a career, lifestyle, etc.. but my entire life as I have known it..
 
Sorry for the late response, been a crazy few days.. and a new medicine which has made me nap alot.. not helped with the insomnia, but at least I am sleeping sometime..

On why I felt like maybe I was a sociopath was because then when bad things happened or I witnessed them, or systems I designed I new would be used for that express purpose, it never bothered me. I dont think it ever affected me, or thought it didn't..
 
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