Sexual Assault Am I overreacting?

C

Cmz

Hi everyone I wanted to get other peoples perspective on my situation-sorry it’s long!

about 2 monthes ago I was sexually assaulted on a first date and I can’t stop thinking about it and feel like maybe I’m just overreacting and making a big deal out of nothing because I’m pretty reserved and not very experienced in the intimacy area...I feel guilty and embarrassed for feeling the way I do and then second guess myself if maybe He didn’t even realize what he did because that’s how he acted afterwards...

Here’s what happened -

We met at a walking trail out in public and went on a long walk and talked and then Found a pond that he suggested we go over to and sit... he started just kissing me which I was ok with, but then he started touching me and and eventually had his fingers in me... at that point I think I froze and eventually told him that I don’t feel comfortable doing this here out where there are people around and he just ignored me and continued and then proceeded to put my hand in his pants to touch him which I just went along with, not knowing what else to do... and then again said I dont want to do this here and he responded by saying it’s fine, nobody can see us and kept on going and started saying how much he wanted to have sex with me and even asked to go back to my place and I said no and made up an excuse. In my head I was thinking if I can just get him off by touching him with my hand maybe he will just stop, so that’s what I did but he started to push my head down onto him which I resisted at first, but he didn’t stop and eventually He had me by the hair for control and I was giving him oral sex and next thing I know he ejaculated in my mouth...after that we got up and he walked me back to my car and acted like nothing happened and I was just in shock I think...

I also just feel a lot of guilt and shame for the sexual things I did during the encounter and feel like maybe he got the wrong idea because I was participating and not pushing him away or fighting back and am confused about what even happened or why I did what I did because he wasn’t threatening me or being violent
 
at that point I think I froze and eventually told him that I don’t feel comfortable doing this here out where there are people around and he just ignored me
^ You did not consent and by words withdrew consent. He should have listened rather than ignoring you.
and then again said I dont want to do this here
^Again, you withdrew consent.
I said no and made up an excuse.
^Smart move - well done.
push my head down onto him which I resisted at first, but he didn’t stop and eventually He had me by the hair for control
^You tried to stop and he escalated his control over you by ignoring your words to physically forcing you. That's not consent.
also just feel a lot of guilt and shame for the sexual things I did during the encounter and feel like maybe he got the wrong idea because I was participating and not pushing him away or fighting back and am confused about what even happened or why I did what I did because he wasn’t threatening me or being violent
^Victims are well primed to feel guilt and shame. That doesn't mean they deserve to.

Is this the first time you've met this person? I'm not making the jump from complete stranger to this incident though that might be the case and there is nothing to be ashamed of even if it is.

I don't think you're over-reacting. I think that is such a loaded phrase/word. It lends itself to meaning that the incident was not serious, was not an assault and that you some how are to blame for his actions and the incident.

So whilst I do think you are reacting, I don't think you are over-reacting. It's a serious situation from your description of the events. How you deal with this is now is not a case of over or even not reacting. But clearly it is distressing you and that needs to be addressed.

At the very least I would be seeing a doctor promptly. There are plenty of diseases that can be acquired through oral sex.

I think that you're having a reaction more about yourself and what you did/didn't do. I don't know how old you are or any of your circumstances but this sort of encounter is not uncommon in people that are lacking in self-worth or who are simply inexperienced. If that applies to you or you think it contributed to this encounter then perhaps that something you can work on with a counsellor or someone you trust. That doesn't mean you are to blame or responsible for him not listening and forcing you to do something you didn't want to do.

Please understand that a lot of people who experience a sexual assault or similar frequently do not fight, resist or make a massive loud incident whilst the incident is actually in progress. And also even afterwards too. There can be a number of reasons why that happens and none are the fault of the victim. Victims are often confused about their level of participation in a sexual encounter and what that might mean.

But it's also important to appreciate that the perpetrator also may interpret the silence and lack of resistance as consent. But they are completely wrong. In your circumstance though you didn't fight him or physically resist him you did tell him to stop and put up some resistance which he overcame by grabbing your hair - that is him physically controlling you so imo that's wrong of him.


feel like maybe he got the wrong idea because I was participating

^You began kissing a man willingly and that's fine. That doesn't entitle him to oral sex. You are entitled to stop at any time and he's obligated to stop.
he wasn’t threatening me or being violent
^There's no need for threats or violence to occur to validate your feelings.

You mentioned that he walked you back to your car and acted as if nothing had happened. Did you have any expectations that you would be seeing him again, that this would lead to a relationship etc.? What did you want to happen at that point? Random sexual encounters do happen and they don't need to be the source of shame but you always have the right to stop regardless of what the other party want.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
I'm sorry he did that to you @Cmz .
I totally second what @blackemerald1 said so well.

He assaulted you. You did not consent. You said no. He ignored that. He manipulated the situation. He controlled your body by holding your hair.

I totally and utterly understand your feelings of confusion given his reaction of acting like nothing happened. And your worry you are over reacting. And your self doubt because no phsycial violence. Been in those thoughts myself with things that happened to me. But: this isn't on you at all. It is not your fault. It is not your behaviour that needs to be questioned. It is his an his alone.

I don't know if you have someone in real life to confide in or to talk this over with?
Are you safe now? You can block him. You have control over what happens now with any contact with him or what you want to do.
 

Cmz

New Here
Is this the first time you've met this person?
Yeah it was a first date....Luckily I went the day after to the hospital and got antibiotics and all that
You mentioned that he walked you back to your car and acted as if nothing had happened. Did you have any expectations that you would be seeing him again, that this would lead to a relationship etc.? What did you want to happen at that point?
In the beginning (before this incident) the goal was it would lead to a relationship- we had been texting a while before this and had discussed expectations and all that... however after this I wanted nothing to do with him and even drove the opposite way of my house in case he was following me home or something

Thank you so much for taking the time to explain all that it means a lot
 
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Cmz

New Here
I don't know if you have someone in real life to confide in or to talk this over with?
Are you safe now?

Thank you, yeah I have told a few select people but just don’t like to burden them with bringing it up all the time... I have depression and anxiety already so I see a psychiatrist who’s been helpful.... but yea I’m safe now and haven't had any contact with him since
 

grief

Sponsor
he pressured you, coerced you and physically controlled you. that is assault. if an abuser can get away with not being violent, they will. because it is easier. but you do not know that he wouldn't have become violent if you did fight back. giving consent means that when you say no the other individual is expected to stop. consent does not mean that you consent to everything you do not physically fight against. i would have and have done the same thing. go along with it. because i would rather be alive than embarrassed. he acted that way afterward because he did not feel bad about his actions.
 

Cmz

New Here
he pressured you, coerced you and physically controlled you. that is assault. if an abuser can get away with not being violent, they will. because it is easier. but you do not know that he wouldn't have become violent if you did fight back. giving consent means that when you say no the other individual is expected to stop. consent does not mean that you consent to everything you do not physically fight against. i would have and have done the same thing. go along with it. because i would rather be alive than embarrassed. he acted that way afterward because he did not feel bad about his actions.
Thank you so much for this! Yes I definitely had the thought that this could turn into something a lot worse if I don’t do what he wants and was even paranoid he would try to follow me home and actually rape me so I drove the opposite direction of my house when we left to make sure that didn’t happen... so I guess I must’ve felt some sort of danger at the time even if now I just blow it off...I think he came into this with a plan and I was just too naive because he wanted to pick me up at first but Thank god I said no I’ll meet you there since I’d never met the guy... who knows what would’ve happened if I let him
 

NoWhereKnowWhere

MyPTSD Pro
maybe He didn’t even realize what he did because that’s how he acted afterwards...
I doubt that very much. He took you somewhere secluded and didn’t listen to you. I’ll go ahead and presume he knew exactly what he did and has probably done that or something similar before.

I’m really sorry this happened to you it’s all on him and not you. Have a look at some trauma responses. Fawn and freeze specifically.
 

Cmz

New Here
I doubt that very much. He took you somewhere secluded and didn’t listen to you. I’ll go ahead and presume he knew exactly what he did and has probably done that or something similar before.

I’m really sorry this happened to you it’s all on him and not you. Have a look at some trauma responses. Fawn and freeze specifically.
Yeah I agree I think It’s just easier thinking he didn’t know or putting the blame on myself for some reason... I guess that’s part of the guilt. And I will look into them thank you!
 
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