Undiagnosed Am I overthinking things?

Olivekitten

New Here
After leaving an abusive relationship, I got really into learning about abuse. I watched hours and hours of YouTube videos, tiktoks, audiobooks, etc. The more I did the more I started to see how much I related to symptoms of childhood abuse. I don’t remember anything — the worst that could be said is my parents weren’t very emotionally engaged. I rarely talked to them about feelings but they are kind people at heart. Fed me and put a roof over my head. I have a good relationship with them as an adult.

Anyway, I’m into BDSM and enjoy that safely with my current wonderful boyfriend. I want to believe that this interest came from my brain trying to make sense of the abusive relationship I left but... I have memories as a child of sexual fantasies of being restrained and forced to allow men to touch me. I didn’t even know what sex was! I had no idea I even had a hole down there, lol. Due to the house it was in, I would have been between 4-7.

I have recently started seeing a therapist again, clearly I should bring this up and ask her, but I feel silly. I feel like I’m reading too much into things... like I’m making things up for attention.
But here is the first time I’ve told anyone about it, so I don’t know.
 
Welcome to the site!

A couple of things: if you feel compelled to talk about something in therapy, you absolutely should. That is your time to talk about anything. A good therapist will help you work through your feelings and memories.

No one can tell you about what, if anything, happened to you as a child. Some people uncover horrible events. Others just discover they were naturally highly sexed at a very young age (*raises hand*). Still others never figure it out. Nevertheless, if it's bothering you, my opinion is that you owe it to yourself to explore it.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
hello olive. welcome to the forum.

I got really into learning about abuse. I watched hours and hours of YouTube videos, tiktoks, audiobooks, etc. The more I did the more I started to see how much I related to symptoms of childhood abuse.

inside my own psych herstory, this is a classic sign of my over-thinking psycho-tick. the more i overthink, the more distorted and fanciful the conclusions of my "research" become. in my own case, there was no doubt hideous abuses had happened, but the distortions and self-gaslighting of overthinking were thoroughly counter-productive, as were the random mixes of haphazard research. experts are notorious for disagreeing with one another and, among other things, i frequently ended up with expert wars inside my head on top of all the other confusions i was living with.

but that is me and every case is unique. . .

gentle support while you sort your own case. welcome aboard.
 
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