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Undiagnosed Am I overthinking things?

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Olivekitten

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After leaving an abusive relationship, I got really into learning about abuse. I watched hours and hours of YouTube videos, tiktoks, audiobooks, etc. The more I did the more I started to see how much I related to symptoms of childhood abuse. I don’t remember anything — the worst that could be said is my parents weren’t very emotionally engaged. I rarely talked to them about feelings but they are kind people at heart. Fed me and put a roof over my head. I have a good relationship with them as an adult.

Anyway, I’m into BDSM and enjoy that safely with my current wonderful boyfriend. I want to believe that this interest came from my brain trying to make sense of the abusive relationship I left but... I have memories as a child of sexual fantasies of being restrained and forced to allow men to touch me. I didn’t even know what sex was! I had no idea I even had a hole down there, lol. Due to the house it was in, I would have been between 4-7.

I have recently started seeing a therapist again, clearly I should bring this up and ask her, but I feel silly. I feel like I’m reading too much into things... like I’m making things up for attention.
But here is the first time I’ve told anyone about it, so I don’t know.
 
Welcome to the site!

A couple of things: if you feel compelled to talk about something in therapy, you absolutely should. That is your time to talk about anything. A good therapist will help you work through your feelings and memories.

No one can tell you about what, if anything, happened to you as a child. Some people uncover horrible events. Others just discover they were naturally highly sexed at a very young age (*raises hand*). Still others never figure it out. Nevertheless, if it's bothering you, my opinion is that you owe it to yourself to explore it.
 
hello olive. welcome to the forum.

I got really into learning about abuse. I watched hours and hours of YouTube videos, tiktoks, audiobooks, etc. The more I did the more I started to see how much I related to symptoms of childhood abuse.

inside my own psych herstory, this is a classic sign of my over-thinking psycho-tick. the more i overthink, the more distorted and fanciful the conclusions of my "research" become. in my own case, there was no doubt hideous abuses had happened, but the distortions and self-gaslighting of overthinking were thoroughly counter-productive, as were the random mixes of haphazard research. experts are notorious for disagreeing with one another and, among other things, i frequently ended up with expert wars inside my head on top of all the other confusions i was living with.

but that is me and every case is unique. . .

gentle support while you sort your own case. welcome aboard.
 
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