Am I to blame for my relationship ending?

littlestars

Confident
I feel like I can't live with myself because of the one trauma that started my downward spiral into self-destruction and learned behavior that any form of abuse is "okay" to put up with. (I don't want to elaborate on the trauma because I don't want to trigger anyone.

However, this one particular event led to the same experience over and over, I feel, that has ruined my life and it haunts me whether or not I realize it every day. It causes me to become either suicidal or utterly depressed to the point where I sleep all day and neglect myself- lack of self-care.)

There are so many things that I accept as "normal" even if they aren't healthy behaviors from others ( I'm not very good at standing up for myself) or I simply don't pick up on them (emotional abuse/manipulation). When I do stick up for myself I crumble easily when another person(s) challenges it by arguing or gaslighting me. I *CAN* identify certain forms of abuse, but even if I do I don't have the courage to stand by it. I'm usually at a loss for words. I crumble when I am in conflict. I feel defeated and I don't want to argue, so I just accept it. I also lack the courage to walk away because I love the person and want our relationship to work.

I don't understand why these people wouldn't just break up with me if they were using me or because of my c-ptsd symptoms. I googled "why do people treat me so bad?" and I found an article that listed many reasons such as low self-esteem and lack of setting boundaries. In romantic relationships, I become insecure after a while because of negative experiences I've had with ex-boyfriends. I'm kind of thinking lately that I deny any sign of mistreatment and lack of trust that I feel in my partner. I recently realized that I'm too dependent/reliant on other people (family, friends, partners, and my therapist) to help me with my troubles.

I break down and cry often. It's routine. I question everything about my reality. I don't think that it's a very attractive trait in any of my relationships and pushes people away. I feel selfish when I share my feelings - I ask for help/support way too often.

In romantic relationships, I start to have trust issues after about six months and I can't seem to quiet those thoughts so I ask for reassurance. It becomes a pattern in the relationship as it goes on. Eventually, they become frustrated with me. I'm pretty much always concerned that they will cheat on me and/or leave me.

I'm not entirely sure if it is because I continue to choose unhealthy people to be my boyfriend or if my behavior is unfounded/unhealthy. I blame myself for their negative behavior toward me, even if it is unrelated to my questioning.

The topics that are rooted in my insecurities are intrusive thoughts and I can't help but bring them up because if I hold them inside they eat away at me, even if I don't discuss them with whoever I am dating. I also can't hide my c-ptsd symptoms, so... what was I supposed to do about that? I couldn't help but break down.

I thought that my last relationship was going well for about a year and a half until I had to change my medication twice and I became deeply taken over by my emotions for about two months. My boyfriend at the time stopped being physically intimate with me altogether, but when I look back on it we didn't have much of a sex life in general (even early on in the honeymoon phase). A couple of months later we had sex once, then his friend passed away from an overdose. From that point on we stopped entirely.

I increasingly questioned my trust in him and became even more insecure about not just the relationship but myself as well. I became whittled down into basically becoming barely a person. I would end up arguing with him about not being physically intimate anymore more consistently. He would become defensive and angry with me. This wasn't like us. We usually talked it out, but I was increasingly more and more hurt and frustrated because of that aspect of our relationship that was completely missing. If I did try to initiate physical intimacy or ask if we could, he would say, "why can't you just let things happen naturally?" or "I was planning on it this weekend, but since you brought it up now we're not going to". We were affectionate with each other, but we only hugged and pecked kisses.

He never seemed to have any money (even from the start of our relationship) so I would pay for everything and even buy him things constantly. Because of that we barely went on dates. He usually had a good time with me, but after a while, he wanted to invite his sister or double date. After a while, he would start flirting only with attractive waitresses and barely talk to me. He would sit there on his phone and say things like "there's a lot of porn on my twitter feed." He wouldn't really complement me anymore and when he did it sounded rehearsed.

He would intentionally like and friend attractive women on his social media. When I would confront him about it he would stop doing that, but he would continue to not show any interest or be engaged while out on a date or at home.

When we were home he was always sleeping or constantly going to the bathroom because he supposedly had a digestive issue. I stopped planning on going out to eat after he was being disrespectful.

By the way, I was the one paying every time we went out because he was constantly broke. I didn't really believe he loved me or wanted to marry me (he told me that he wanted to marry me quite often even though he was treating me like this after a year into our relationship) and believed it was just an act after about six months into it anyway.

I found out over time that he was a heroin addict and thought to myself "this is why I was questioning him so frequently". I caught him in a lie about being high and where he was (buying drugs in a dangerous neighborhood) and we had a shouting match over the phone. During that argument, we were yelling at each other and I heard him say "and that's why I've been cheating on you". We never argued like that before. I broke up with him the next day.

He took advantage of my kindness, and money, and took me for granted the whole time. I was shocked that he was cheating on me because he was always there for me when I needed help and was always caring and loving toward me the entire time we were together. I treated him that way too. I don't know how he could have cheated on me because I know now that the heroin disrupted his libido, we were together all of the time, and we shared locations with each other and he was either at home with me, at work, or in that bad neighborhood (which he lied about going there for drugs, but would tell me he was running an errand).

This was his behavior the entire time we were together as far as location goes. I have no idea. That doesn't matter though. From the get-go, he would do things that weren't very kind every so often and I always brushed it off because he acted as if he had unconditional love for me since the beginning.

I'm not sure if it was a mixture of my personal issues or his drug addiction or both that made our relationship go so horribly underneath all of the loving behavior we had between each other. I wonder if I pushed him away and caused him to cheat because of my constant symptoms and doubts. I do have a history of dating people who had substance abuse issues and now that I am single again, I wonder if it's my fault for him to treat me so poorly and using me. If I were in a healthy relationship would I have emotionally broken down so much? Even if I still broke down, would a healthy person show compassion and support or would they cheat on me and/or abandon me? I don't know.

All that I can conclude now is that I should be single for a long time or just be celibate for the rest of my life because I obviously can barely function while I'm in a relationship after a year and every one of my partners had substance abuse issues and abusive behavior (past relationships were full of physical/verbal abuse). I wonder if I wouldn't have been so insecure and questioned any of my romantic relationships routinely if I were "healthy".

When I'm single I take good care of myself and am generally overall fun-loving, independent, and positive. I'm still like that when I'm in a relationship, but as I stated earlier after a while I start to deteriorate. The work that I have done in therapy and continue to do helps me and I make progress and am not hindered by my relationship issues with my partner. My focus is taken off of me and placed on them. It's energy-draining to enable an addict to be neglected by/taken advantage of by one because they are constantly high, especially when I found out my recent ex is a drug addict.

I found an outpatient program that would offer him medication to treat his addiction, drug test him, and have one-on-one therapy. I broke up with him because I found out that he was still using. He would always tell me that everything was great in our relationship, that he loved me no matter what, and that the only thing that was wrong was that I took my insecurities out on him, but told me that it was "totally fixable" and that he understood why I did it and would help me. As for the sexual aspect of our relationship he eventually told me it was because of the "medication" he was taking to prevent him from using again that he was buying off the street instead of being in a program.

Anyway, my original point was that the first trauma I ever experienced was with a family member who was an abusive person to myself and my family. This person violated me and threatened me. I feel like he set the stage for any relationship I would ever have in my life, for how I see myself, and my number one reason for not wanting to live at all. It's been six weeks since I finally broke up with my ex-boyfriend. I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt all of the time. I kept trying to work on a relationship and he put in less effort more and more.

When I look back on our relationship I only remember his disrespect for me involving other women, paying for everything, and sitting on the couch with him while he was passed out because (I know now) that he was high, even though he told me that he was exhausted from work all of the time. My ex was basically a clone of my abusive family member, except my ex's abusive behavior was manipulation and emotional abuse. I know they were both addicts and abusive, but I wonder if the emotionally abusive behaviors are my fault and if my c-ptsd symptoms contributed to what I feel is the reason why our relationship deteriorated into infidelity and constant lies and empty promises. If these people weren't addicts would this have happened? My c-ptsd symptoms occur whether or not I am in a relationship.

My friends are there for me and show concern and love for me even if I have the same conversation with them and need reassurance. I've known my friends for years now (ranging from five-to ten-plus years). The main symptoms I experience are depression/crying, flashbacks, insomnia/nightmares, and intense panic attacks that last for hours if I don't take my anxiety medication. When I take my medication for anxiety, I am perfectly able to cope and rationally deal with my emotions. I don't know anymore. Everyone in my life (family, friends, and even my recent ex) have told me that I am a joy to have in their life and that they love me unconditionally in spite of my flaws. I understand why that family member of mine impacted my life in such a way that it affects me every day and I actively work on it in therapy, but I don't understand why my recent ex (with whom I thought we had a great relationship for once in my life) didn't work out. Why didn't he just break up with me if he wasn't secretly happy apparently? Or I assume even really loved me at all? Happy people don't cheat or take advantage of their girlfriends, do they?

I know that I am taking the focus off of his addiction by asking this, but I want to know if he wasn't an addict and that I had my c-ptsd symptoms still would I have struggled so much with the relationship and my c-ptsd symptoms? They became worse after the year and a half-mark when I needed the medication change around when we stopped having sex. Looking back now I think his heroin use increased the longer we were together.

Besides the point... I can't help but wonder if anyone would love me unconditionally, care for me, be faithful, keep their promises, treat me with respect, comfort me, etc. all while I had informed them about my symptoms and the behavior that comes along with them. I have been told that I am a great girlfriend even though I have my issues. And I know that I need to continue my work in therapy. Nothing makes sense to me anymore and I can't seem to make sense of anything or step outside of myself and gain perspective. It keeps bothering me. I keep thinking that maybe I am not a good partner. My family and friends tell me that I'm a great girlfriend based on what I tell them and I tell them everything. I'm even honest about my own behavior that I am not proud of. My recent ex even told me that I was great... so I don't understand why he was so unhappy that he started to cheat on me even though he claimed that his drug use affected his libido or just broke up with me if he couldn't deal with my issues. I'm so confused. Everyone outside of the relationship kept telling me he was not good and that they were constantly worried about me. They told me that they could see me declining and my symptoms were getting worse and worse while I was with him. This person also totaled my car and I still stayed with him. I'm such a pathetic fool. I should have left once I started to neglect myself emotionally and with basic self-care.

I thought that because he loved me or at least he acted like he did that everything was great and that my symptoms and constant intrusive thoughts that caused doubt ruined everything... not just his addiction. We got along so great and had fun the whole time even when we stopped having sex and he still said he wanted to marry me... I don't understand. Did I do anything wrong? Because I feel like I did. Did that family member who traumatized me ruin my life as much as I think they did? I have so many questions. I've addressed a lot of this in therapy, but each session is too short to talk about all of this. I still feel like it is unresolved within myself.
 
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knowing who to blame, judge and punish has yet to heal a wound. there is a logic i solidly agree with for keeping courts and hospitals on separate campuses in separate parts of most communities of the world. the justice and healing processes are not especially compatible.

i opine that whom is to blame isn't as important as choosing your healing tools and deciding when, where and how to use them.
just opining. . .
hope healing happens here.
 
Knowing who to blame will not change that both of you engaged in patterns and cycles of behavior that are extremely well-ingrained as a result of your past experiences.

Unfortunately, love is not enough. You can "love" someone and rape them every day and beat them bloody. People can love one another while treating one another in absolutely horrific ways.

You can't rely on love to act as a stand-in for rational analysis and deliberate action. If you try, your future is bound to be filled with plenty of people who love you and whom you love but that cannot progress past toxic reiterations.
 
It’s going to take you time to see him for who he was. Maybe you did some bad things, but that doesn’t excuse his cheating. It sounds like he used you, and your behavior doesn’t excuse that, either.

I haven’t seen my ex in over 4 months now and I’m still trying to work through the mind duckery that he put me through. I realize that a huge part of the struggle was that I never believed he loved me as in the very beginning he made fun of his ex and told me how much he hates fat women. (He’s fat himself so yeah…) He said it as a matter of fact kind of thing and it wasn’t said in anger towards me. Well, I am fat, although I am not nearly as fat as his ex. But still, when someone says that to you, are you ever going to believe they love you when you are fat? The seed had been planted in your mind, so no, no matter what he said about loving me or accepting me as I am…..I was never going to believe it. I mean he essentially said “I hate fat women, but I’ll make an exception for you.” I was nothing but a consolation prize and it felt horrible. My ex did the same to me, as the last 2 years he made zero effort except for asking me to get a room once a year. I read an article about breadcrumbing and it perfectly fit. He made zero effort, and in the end he sent me flowers for my birthday, but went right back to ignoring me and treating me like crap when my mother was having surgery (and a few hours earlier gave me an end of life talk should anything bad happen). It really hurt to be shut out in that moment but I realized he is a horrible person and will never actually care about me. The relationship was over years ago but he kept me around for whatever reason (not love). He told me I was the only person in the world who would get mad over getting flowers for my birthday. Nope, I was mad at the empty gesture that meant nothing.

Was I perfect? Hell no. But every fight we had was about him not loving me or caring about me. It’s no wonder why I felt this way after he told me he hates fat women.

So anyway, the processing takes time and it helped me to journal so I could work through my thoughts.

If you haven’t done it already, create a list of requirements to have in a partner. I put things in there like no porn use and doesn’t let his family shit all over me. My list is up to about 30 things right now so I’m pretty sure I’ll be single for life, but I won’t back down as most the things on my list relate to being treated with respect.
 
People who love you do not treat you that way. There is a very high probability that it will not improve. For your sanity, it is time to move on.
I have intrusive thoughts too. All you can do is manage them. Accept them for what they are. Do not engage with them as this only energizes them. Breathe deeply and let them be as they have to go away on their own. Intrusive thoughts are like a bully. They want to beat you on you and take advantage of you. You can't reason with a bully; therefore, you can't reason with these disturbing thoughts. I strongly suggest that you look into medication. also, it is very helpful to put your thoughts in a journal. This helps get the garbage out of your head and gives you some distance from the problem. No one should be treated like a door mat. That is not what you are. You are a wonderful woman who is experiencing a number of problems. Never allow your happiness to depend on you. Remember, people that truly love you will never take advantage of you. This is how you can tell if a relationship is authentic. Stand up for your values and principles. Make your decisions based upon your moral compass. You are not a victim. Stop ruminating about past experiences. That only makes you feel worse about yourself. Concentrate and focus on one problem at a time. I believe in you and I wan't you to believe in yourself.

I feel like I can't live with myself because of the one trauma that started my downward spiral into self-destruction and learned behavior that any form of abuse is "okay" to put up with. (I don't want to elaborate on the trauma because I don't want to trigger anyone.

However, this one particular event led to the same experience over and over, I feel, that has ruined my life and it haunts me whether or not I realize it every day. It causes me to become either suicidal or utterly depressed to the point where I sleep all day and neglect myself- lack of self-care.)

There are so many things that I accept as "normal" even if they aren't healthy behaviors from others ( I'm not very good at standing up for myself) or I simply don't pick up on them (emotional abuse/manipulation). When I do stick up for myself I crumble easily when another person(s) challenges it by arguing or gaslighting me. I *CAN* identify certain forms of abuse, but even if I do I don't have the courage to stand by it. I'm usually at a loss for words. I crumble when I am in conflict. I feel defeated and I don't want to argue, so I just accept it. I also lack the courage to walk away because I love the person and want our relationship to work.

I don't understand why these people wouldn't just break up with me if they were using me or because of my c-ptsd symptoms. I googled "why do people treat me so bad?" and I found an article that listed many reasons such as low self-esteem and lack of setting boundaries. In romantic relationships, I become insecure after a while because of negative experiences I've had with ex-boyfriends. I'm kind of thinking lately that I deny any sign of mistreatment and lack of trust that I feel in my partner. I recently realized that I'm too dependent/reliant on other people (family, friends, partners, and my therapist) to help me with my troubles.

I break down and cry often. It's routine. I question everything about my reality. I don't think that it's a very attractive trait in any of my relationships and pushes people away. I feel selfish when I share my feelings - I ask for help/support way too often.

In romantic relationships, I start to have trust issues after about six months and I can't seem to quiet those thoughts so I ask for reassurance. It becomes a pattern in the relationship as it goes on. Eventually, they become frustrated with me. I'm pretty much always concerned that they will cheat on me and/or leave me.

I'm not entirely sure if it is because I continue to choose unhealthy people to be my boyfriend or if my behavior is unfounded/unhealthy. I blame myself for their negative behavior toward me, even if it is unrelated to my questioning.

The topics that are rooted in my insecurities are intrusive thoughts and I can't help but bring them up because if I hold them inside they eat away at me, even if I don't discuss them with whoever I am dating. I also can't hide my c-ptsd symptoms, so... what was I supposed to do about that? I couldn't help but break down.

I thought that my last relationship was going well for about a year and a half until I had to change my medication twice and I became deeply taken over by my emotions for about two months. My boyfriend at the time stopped being physically intimate with me altogether, but when I look back on it we didn't have much of a sex life in general (even early on in the honeymoon phase). A couple of months later we had sex once, then his friend passed away from an overdose. From that point on we stopped entirely.

I increasingly questioned my trust in him and became even more insecure about not just the relationship but myself as well. I became whittled down into basically becoming barely a person. I would end up arguing with him about not being physically intimate anymore more consistently. He would become defensive and angry with me. This wasn't like us. We usually talked it out, but I was increasingly more and more hurt and frustrated because of that aspect of our relationship that was completely missing. If I did try to initiate physical intimacy or ask if we could, he would say, "why can't you just let things happen naturally?" or "I was planning on it this weekend, but since you brought it up now we're not going to". We were affectionate with each other, but we only hugged and pecked kisses.

He never seemed to have any money (even from the start of our relationship) so I would pay for everything and even buy him things constantly. Because of that we barely went on dates. He usually had a good time with me, but after a while, he wanted to invite his sister or double date. After a while, he would start flirting only with attractive waitresses and barely talk to me. He would sit there on his phone and say things like "there's a lot of porn on my twitter feed." He wouldn't really complement me anymore and when he did it sounded rehearsed.

He would intentionally like and friend attractive women on his social media. When I would confront him about it he would stop doing that, but he would continue to not show any interest or be engaged while out on a date or at home.

When we were home he was always sleeping or constantly going to the bathroom because he supposedly had a digestive issue. I stopped planning on going out to eat after he was being disrespectful.

By the way, I was the one paying every time we went out because he was constantly broke. I didn't really believe he loved me or wanted to marry me (he told me that he wanted to marry me quite often even though he was treating me like this after a year into our relationship) and believed it was just an act after about six months into it anyway.

I found out over time that he was a heroin addict and thought to myself "this is why I was questioning him so frequently". I caught him in a lie about being high and where he was (buying drugs in a dangerous neighborhood) and we had a shouting match over the phone. During that argument, we were yelling at each other and I heard him say "and that's why I've been cheating on you". We never argued like that before. I broke up with him the next day.

He took advantage of my kindness, and money, and took me for granted the whole time. I was shocked that he was cheating on me because he was always there for me when I needed help and was always caring and loving toward me the entire time we were together. I treated him that way too. I don't know how he could have cheated on me because I know now that the heroin disrupted his libido, we were together all of the time, and we shared locations with each other and he was either at home with me, at work, or in that bad neighborhood (which he lied about going there for drugs, but would tell me he was running an errand).

This was his behavior the entire time we were together as far as location goes. I have no idea. That doesn't matter though. From the get-go, he would do things that weren't very kind every so often and I always brushed it off because he acted as if he had unconditional love for me since the beginning.

I'm not sure if it was a mixture of my personal issues or his drug addiction or both that made our relationship go so horribly underneath all of the loving behavior we had between each other. I wonder if I pushed him away and caused him to cheat because of my constant symptoms and doubts. I do have a history of dating people who had substance abuse issues and now that I am single again, I wonder if it's my fault for him to treat me so poorly and using me. If I were in a healthy relationship would I have emotionally broken down so much? Even if I still broke down, would a healthy person show compassion and support or would they cheat on me and/or abandon me? I don't know.

All that I can conclude now is that I should be single for a long time or just be celibate for the rest of my life because I obviously can barely function while I'm in a relationship after a year and every one of my partners had substance abuse issues and abusive behavior (past relationships were full of physical/verbal abuse). I wonder if I wouldn't have been so insecure and questioned any of my romantic relationships routinely if I were "healthy".

When I'm single I take good care of myself and am generally overall fun-loving, independent, and positive. I'm still like that when I'm in a relationship, but as I stated earlier after a while I start to deteriorate. The work that I have done in therapy and continue to do helps me and I make progress and am not hindered by my relationship issues with my partner. My focus is taken off of me and placed on them. It's energy-draining to enable an addict to be neglected by/taken advantage of by one because they are constantly high, especially when I found out my recent ex is a drug addict.

I found an outpatient program that would offer him medication to treat his addiction, drug test him, and have one-on-one therapy. I broke up with him because I found out that he was still using. He would always tell me that everything was great in our relationship, that he loved me no matter what, and that the only thing that was wrong was that I took my insecurities out on him, but told me that it was "totally fixable" and that he understood why I did it and would help me. As for the sexual aspect of our relationship he eventually told me it was because of the "medication" he was taking to prevent him from using again that he was buying off the street instead of being in a program.

Anyway, my original point was that the first trauma I ever experienced was with a family member who was an abusive person to myself and my family. This person violated me and threatened me. I feel like he set the stage for any relationship I would ever have in my life, for how I see myself, and my number one reason for not wanting to live at all. It's been six weeks since I finally broke up with my ex-boyfriend. I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt all of the time. I kept trying to work on a relationship and he put in less effort more and more.

When I look back on our relationship I only remember his disrespect for me involving other women, paying for everything, and sitting on the couch with him while he was passed out because (I know now) that he was high, even though he told me that he was exhausted from work all of the time. My ex was basically a clone of my abusive family member, except my ex's abusive behavior was manipulation and emotional abuse. I know they were both addicts and abusive, but I wonder if the emotionally abusive behaviors are my fault and if my c-ptsd symptoms contributed to what I feel is the reason why our relationship deteriorated into infidelity and constant lies and empty promises. If these people weren't addicts would this have happened? My c-ptsd symptoms occur whether or not I am in a relationship.

My friends are there for me and show concern and love for me even if I have the same conversation with them and need reassurance. I've known my friends for years now (ranging from five-to ten-plus years). The main symptoms I experience are depression/crying, flashbacks, insomnia/nightmares, and intense panic attacks that last for hours if I don't take my anxiety medication. When I take my medication for anxiety, I am perfectly able to cope and rationally deal with my emotions. I don't know anymore. Everyone in my life (family, friends, and even my recent ex) have told me that I am a joy to have in their life and that they love me unconditionally in spite of my flaws. I understand why that family member of mine impacted my life in such a way that it affects me every day and I actively work on it in therapy, but I don't understand why my recent ex (with whom I thought we had a great relationship for once in my life) didn't work out. Why didn't he just break up with me if he wasn't secretly happy apparently? Or I assume even really loved me at all? Happy people don't cheat or take advantage of their girlfriends, do they?

I know that I am taking the focus off of his addiction by asking this, but I want to know if he wasn't an addict and that I had my c-ptsd symptoms still would I have struggled so much with the relationship and my c-ptsd symptoms? They became worse after the year and a half-mark when I needed the medication change around when we stopped having sex. Looking back now I think his heroin use increased the longer we were together.

Besides the point... I can't help but wonder if anyone would love me unconditionally, care for me, be faithful, keep their promises, treat me with respect, comfort me, etc. all while I had informed them about my symptoms and the behavior that comes along with them. I have been told that I am a great girlfriend even though I have my issues. And I know that I need to continue my work in therapy. Nothing makes sense to me anymore and I can't seem to make sense of anything or step outside of myself and gain perspective. It keeps bothering me. I keep thinking that maybe I am not a good partner. My family and friends tell me that I'm a great girlfriend based on what I tell them and I tell them everything. I'm even honest about my own behavior that I am not proud of. My recent ex even told me that I was great... so I don't understand why he was so unhappy that he started to cheat on me even though he claimed that his drug use affected his libido or just broke up with me if he couldn't deal with my issues. I'm so confused. Everyone outside of the relationship kept telling me he was not good and that they were constantly worried about me. They told me that they could see me declining and my symptoms were getting worse and worse while I was with him. This person also totaled my car and I still stayed with him. I'm such a pathetic fool. I should have left once I started to neglect myself emotionally and with basic self-care.

I thought that because he loved me or at least he acted like he did that everything was great and that my symptoms and constant intrusive thoughts that caused doubt ruined everything... not just his addiction. We got along so great and had fun the whole time even when we stopped having sex and he still said he wanted to marry me... I don't understand. Did I do anything wrong? Because I feel like I did. Did that family member who traumatized me ruin my life as much as I think they did? I have so many questions. I've addressed a lot of this in therapy, but each session is too short to talk about all of this. I still feel like it is unresolved within myself.
 
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