Am I to blame?


But then people tell me to not blame myself?
Is blame the only thing this can be? How about, it's your responsibility if you want to better your relationships but not your fault. I have known people for decades who have NEVER blamed me for anything. Others that used to blame me for crazy stuff. I had to learn how to control my environment and the people surrounding me better. That was my responsibility in the whole thing.

But then am I just taking all the blame?
Probably. Thinking of it that way, you have a heck of a lot of power if you do absolutely EVERYTHING wrong. See how that can't be correct information? It's impossible. It is usually a cover for people who refuse to take responsibility. That was the pattern that played out with me, anyway. And for someone who isn't great at boundaries, I found it was impossible to state the case as to why people stop blaming me for everything. So, I let the relationships go because it seemed to be a no win situation for me if I stuck around.

I think the root of this behaviour for me was a combination of things.
1. Developmentally, I was forced to comply with everything.
2. Having horrible boundaries became a survival mechanism
3. It was impossible to win, so I stopped trying

For myself, once I figured that out I realized it was a learned thing - so perhaps I could un-learn it. So I tried new levels of awareness.
1. Who keeps blaming me?
2. What is going wrong that things need to be blamed on someone?
3. Is that the type of life I want to live? Being a target of blame?

committing to self care solved this problem for me. I still have issues, but I see a lot more about the role I play. And it feels really good when I can connect to my needs over someone else's needs.

Have you worked at all on what your feelings/needs are? I had to do that before I did a decent job of self care.

This may not helpful to you at all, and if not, please just ignore. Best wishes to you moving forward.