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Message: <blockquote data-quote="coraxxx" data-source="post: 1770181" data-attributes="member: 50212">I think a good way to think about it is about actions and reactions.Like [USER=47504]@Survivor3[/USER] said, abusers will blame the victim of their own behaviour instead of acknowledging their own behaviour, and for doing that they’re going to look into something into the victim’s profile, stuff victim’s said to or done to them, projections, conjectures, circumstances, or even their own past as a justification to explain how f*cked up they are. Basically anything that takes them away from having made an action. So they can place themselves as having been wronged and being only just responding to something that happened.And where it gets tricky is that in a sense it’s true: they are responding to something that happened, whatever it is. But it doesn’t mean it’s justified or right. Responsibility is distinct from causes.i.e., hitting someone ’because’ they were yelling doesn’t erase the fact the action is a hit and it’s not proportional with the yelling. Is yelling okay? Might not. But hitting isn’t okay neither. And it’s a serious escalation, it’s not just yelling back. So it’s not proportionate.i.e., yelling at someone because they’re annoying also constitutes an escalation and it’s justified even if the annoying behaviour is a trigger. That’s the kind of thing someone says they’re sorry for and then not continue to do, because keeping yelling at someone over time builds up intimidation and constitute abuse.The way a victim does trigger or even responds to an action doesn’t change anything. Responsibility is responsibility.If someone did hit me because I yelled it doesn’t make my yelling better, or their hit okay.If I forgive the hit it doesn’t mean I accept it as okay.Even if I blamed myself and accepted it as okay it wouldn’t make it okay.And God knows how people who do lash out and/or control and abuse do end up finding people who are less likely to respond with correct boundaries or are incapable of enforcing them enough. Simply because the others would have made themselves safe.Now not being able of protecting ourselves from someone else’s doesn’t mean we are to blame. It’s not the same kind of situation of walking on a puddle because not looking in front of you. A puddle doesn’t have any will.That we can do something to avoid to be harmed by others? To a certain extent, yes. And even then, we can’t take luck out as a factor. Sometimes there wasn’t anything that could be done to prevent the harm from happening. But it doesn’t mean that you’re to blame for what others did to us.And it’s also knowing that that we can efficiently adjust our actions to create the conditions where good things are more likely to happen than bad ones. I find what’s difficult with this is that it’s not a 0-or-1 situation, it takes a certain amount of time to see the results of our actions and/or the same actions don’t always make us get the same results.So even you’re the ’common denominator’ of problems, it doesn’t mean that the problem is you or that you caused these problems to happen.The same way of being has resulted me in making some friends but also people who really don’t like me. Of having a nice relationship and another that was violent. There were things that I could have understood before, learned or controlled to avoid or foster things I wanted or not, but not all. Identifying the ones from the others is difficult at times.Sometimes it’s even the context.The trait that makes me real nice to the people I love and don’t give up easy made me have very long and good friendships but also the ones that kept me in a violent relationship. It doesn’t mean I was wrong, it means I couldn’t identify or efficiently predict what was going to happen and take the required actions to prevent it.Being avoidant and sometimes hostile might have helped me avoiding a lot of jerks in my life, but it also made me miss opportunities or scare people off, and it also contributed to isolate myself and sometimes feed explosive situations. Now this too I can try to adjust to have a better ratio of results.Perhaps one thing that happens is that when we blame ourselves it’s that big thing that entails what we are, while having responsibility and being accountable is about what we do?I hope this helps.</blockquote>

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