Childhood Am I traumatised?


New Here
Huge, massive problem.

I was sexually abused by my brother when I was younger. I thought what we did was weird, and totally disgusting. I took showers to wash my lower body after every time we did it. But I never thought it was wrong. I never thought of it... I have no clue how old I was when we started, it's all just a blur. I have huge gaps in my mind, like there were memories extracted from my mind. It frustrates me that I simply can't remember a thing!! I remember what he did to me, where he touched me. But I don't remember when, or specific details... I'm assuming I was around 11 when he started. when I turned 16, I had a huge trigger and everybody thought I'd had a mental breakdown. Everybody said I was just crazy, and I believed them. I am crazy. Nobody does what I had done. After that I wondered about it a lot, but it wasn't till I turned 18, that I told the truth. And suddenly everyone said I had been abused, ad what he did was terrible, and I'm traumatised. But I didn't feel like I was traumatised! Everyone said my behaviour and my issues all came from the abuse, and that what I had done when I was 16 is obviously connected. I'm not sure... It's been a year, and at first I felt so so so much. Feelings I can't even describe. But then... I felt nothing. Stone numb. I don't feel ANYTHING!! Nothing at all. I don't cry. I can't be happy either. I went into a major depression, andI finally agreed to try meds. Now I'm on anti depressants, but it doesn't help. So I'm failing in school, and I lie in bed all the time. And I never ever speak about that trigger (when I was 16) it's tabboo. And about my brother? I get these horrible images in my head. Sometimes the monster in my stomach gets too much and I totally lose it. I don't sleep, and my eating habits are terrible. I cut myself... I feel so trapped inside my head, I can't take it. But I don't think I'm traumatised... Am I? What does being traumatised mean?


I'm so sorry that happened to you and it's hard right now.

Not feeling,being numb, is a coping mechanism for trauma. It helps to manage whilst it's happening (switch off, don't think, just do what needs to be done, don't feel), but it doesn't help so much when trying to process as it causes confusion. If we had trauma we think we would 'frel' something, right? For me, it created doubt.

Do you have a therapist?

It can get easier.

Are you safe now? Is your brother away from you?


Trauma is a complicated subject in psychology, but based on what you described, I'd say it is worth seeking some sort of trauma therapy and support. It may not be trauma, and more to do with genetics and/or other experiences you've had in life, but it does seem like your past has effected you. Only you and a therapist can determine if it's trauma or not, in all honesty, so I suggest reaching out. I should add, though, it's common of trauma survivors to downplay their trauma or to not acknowledge they have trauma at all, so you may be traumatised without really understanding you're traumatised. Personally, I knew I was traumatised from what happened to me as a kid, but I said I was "over it" from the ages of 14 to like, 16 or 17, when I got in a relationship and realised just how much my trauma limited me, which prompted me to seek therapy and turns out I probably have PTSD (though i am yet to be officially diagnosed since diagnosis for anything but anxiety and depression, which I am diagnosed with, is near impossible due to ✨underfunding✨ of our mental healthcare system). So I highly suggest seeking out a therapist, preferably one experienced in trauma. If you are in a country that has expensive or limited mental healthcare, there are international rape and SA crisis lines you can contact, as well as mental health charities that may be in your area. Charities is how I sought help, and I personally found my trauma therapist to be absolutely life changing, so don't disregard their effectiveness on the basis they are a charity as many can be more effective than non charity therapists in my opinion . I hope you are having a good day, and if not, will have many good days in the future. Apologies for bad grammar, I am a bit tipsy.