Childhood Am I traumatised?

Keefe

New Here
Huge, massive problem.

I was sexually abused by my brother when I was younger. I thought what we did was weird, and totally disgusting. I took showers to wash my lower body after every time we did it. But I never thought it was wrong. I never thought of it... I have no clue how old I was when we started, it's all just a blur. I have huge gaps in my mind, like there were memories extracted from my mind. It frustrates me that I simply can't remember a thing!! I remember what he did to me, where he touched me. But I don't remember when, or specific details... I'm assuming I was around 11 when he started. when I turned 16, I had a huge trigger and everybody thought I'd had a mental breakdown. Everybody said I was just crazy, and I believed them. I am crazy. Nobody does what I had done. After that I wondered about it a lot, but it wasn't till I turned 18, that I told the truth. And suddenly everyone said I had been abused, ad what he did was terrible, and I'm traumatised. But I didn't feel like I was traumatised! Everyone said my behaviour and my issues all came from the abuse, and that what I had done when I was 16 is obviously connected. I'm not sure... It's been a year, and at first I felt so so so much. Feelings I can't even describe. But then... I felt nothing. Stone numb. I don't feel ANYTHING!! Nothing at all. I don't cry. I can't be happy either. I went into a major depression, andI finally agreed to try meds. Now I'm on anti depressants, but it doesn't help. So I'm failing in school, and I lie in bed all the time. And I never ever speak about that trigger (when I was 16) it's tabboo. And about my brother? I get these horrible images in my head. Sometimes the monster in my stomach gets too much and I totally lose it. I don't sleep, and my eating habits are terrible. I cut myself... I feel so trapped inside my head, I can't take it. But I don't think I'm traumatised... Am I? What does being traumatised mean?
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
I'm so sorry that happened to you and it's hard right now.

Not feeling,being numb, is a coping mechanism for trauma. It helps to manage whilst it's happening (switch off, don't think, just do what needs to be done, don't feel), but it doesn't help so much when trying to process as it causes confusion. If we had trauma we think we would 'frel' something, right? For me, it created doubt.

Do you have a therapist?

It can get easier.

Are you safe now? Is your brother away from you?
 
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