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Am I wrong?

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Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
Ok, this is probably the worlds most selfish post.

So, as some of you know my financial situation isn't good. And then my car broke down and everything got worse. I was stressed. I wasn't going on and on about it to friends but it certainly leaked through at times. So there's this older couple who I'm friends with and sometimes they treat me like an extra kid of there's. Once before they helped me out, unasked, financially. I paid them back. Things were no where near as bad as they are for me now. So, 9 days ago I got an email from J. She said they were worried and wanted to know what was going on. She said she would, "rather do something more useful than worrying". So I sent an email back and gave details. How much I was short on the car and some things I'm doing to drag myself out of my financial hole, etc. I got back an email saying that my reply was very helpful. Since then... absolutely no communication. I mean, if they don't want to or can't help me that's fine. Just tell me.

And at this point I'm irritated. Is that horrible? I just sort of feel like I'm just been left hanging. I mean, it sort of felt like there was this implied, you aren't communicating and we are stressed out. But then when I communicate... nothing. And not just that. I said I want to know, but actually I *need* to know. There is a vast difference between are loaning/giving me nothing to $500.00. My car won't be ready until Friday. There are bills due now. Do I delay or see if I work out a payment plan? I don't know. I'm trying to sell off possessions. How much do I sell and how desperate am I to sell before Friday. I don't know. And I don't feel like I have a right to ask. I don't want to put them in an uncomfortable position.

But then... accepting help, especially from anyone who seems remotely parental is a huge tangle. Help from the parents always came with massive strings. Any help meant I *owed* them. And they would do the thing where I wouldn't ask for help and then they'd push and push until I told them what was stressing and then give help but they'd also make it clear what a screw up I was and how much I owed them. oh... and the "we are worried" thing. The mother would use that as a bludgeon. If she was worried I'd get to hear how she couldn't sleep, how she couldn't eat and had gotten sick to her stomach and it was all my freaking fault. And of course that meant I was obligated to talk to her, answer her questions, reassure her and blah blah blah... and that's all in the past but maybe I'm just dragging all that crap into this current situation?
 
but maybe I'm just dragging all that crap into this current situation?
I think there's an excellent chance that's what's going on. (But there's no way I could know that for sure.) If I understand what you're saying, so far you've kind of followed that old script, right? You haven't asked for help, you've soldiered on, trying to deal with things on you're own. In the past people, usually your parents, have noticed there's a problem and "offered" to help you out. In the case of your parents, they totally made you pay a price.

What happens if you're dealing with people who don't realize that's how the game is "supposed" to be played? What if, in their version of reality, people who need to borrow money simply ask and the potential lender is free to say either yes or no, as it works for them? Maybe they are actually thinking, if you needed a loan, you'd ask?

BTW, I don't think your post sounds selfish. It sounds like you're trying to learn how to handle a common situation in ways that are better than you had a chance learn as a kid.
 
I truly could feel your frustration, fear and deep sadness not to mention you feel so let down and alone.
It is good you are able to write down this way and reflect. You are not wrong to feel this way. IT IS Your RIGHT to feel all your feelings and I think you will appreciate another time it is their right to have different feelings too.

I do not know how things will turn out but I think this couple are there for you emotionally maybe they have their own issues or financial troubles now to help you but they think of you and reach you out. They care about you but we're unable to help you exactly when you need it or how. Humans!
All I can say I I am sorry you are so alone in this experience.
 
@scout86 Yes, a lot of what you say makes sense. I just... feel like if I bring it up, I'm being pushy? Demanding? I don't know.

I reread the last email and maybe they are waiting on me? I don't know. I hate all this.

@grit I am fine with whatever feelings they have. I am fine if they can't help financially. I mean, it would be great if they could because money is so bad, but I don't expect it. I just want them to communicate. If they hadn't asked me to give them all this info, I wouldn't be struggling so much. But it was like this communication started and then it just vanished.
 
Maybe they are experiencing their own. You can also do a follow up. You are feeling they are ignoring you but who knows on their end?
 
You have the right to make this post and I am sorry if my comments made think or feel otherwise. I thought I was exploring the issue with you to break it down to its core.
I wish you well in your situation. I hope u update if you learn more or resolve it yourself.
 
Not a selfish post at all. I don't think you are horrible for being irritated either. You are under a lot of stress, haven't had an abundance of great experiences in the past, risked vulnerably detailing how hard things are and got a confusing response back.

People have expressed tons of worry about me too before, and then when I have mustered up all the courage I could to ask for even the tiniest help to even partially solve what they were worried about, I have discovered a few here and there that what they really wanted was for me to ease their worry. I have a family member who makes any problem anyone else is facing about their worry. I can validate how painful or frustrating it can be to go through that.

I'm not sure that's what is happening in this situation.
How much I was short on the car and some things I'm doing to drag myself out of my financial hole, etc. I got back an email saying that my reply was very helpful. Since then... absolutely no communication. I mean, if they don't want to or can't help me that's fine. Just tell me.

And at this point I'm irritated. Is that horrible? I just sort of feel like I'm just been left hanging. I mean, it sort of felt like there was this implied, you aren't communicating and we are stressed out. But then when I communicate... nothing.
Yeah, little odd of a response...
I reread the last email and maybe they are waiting on me? I don't know. I hate all this.
I hate that you are going through this. I've had some really tough financial binds too. Maybe they saw how eager you were last time to pay them back that they don't want to step in and offer unless you straight up ask. Maybe they saw what you are doing on your own to try to solve it and decided to back off because they didn't want to intrude. Maybe... so many possible things.

I'd consider emailing them back, or even more so, picking up the phone if you can, as a lot can be lost in terms of tone on email and ask them point blank for help. Or even ask them how the email was helpful to them... They opened up the door to talking about what's going on and expressed they wanted to do more than worry. It's not putting them in a bad position to ask if they can help. If someone asked me for money I couldn't loan, I wouldn't feel bad that they asked me. I would feel glad they felt ok enough to ask. A simple, "Would you be able to help?" might give more clarity.

Most of all, so sorry things are so tight right now.
 
I'm in the process of buying a different home. The seller is someone I know, like, and want the best for. I told my realtor I didn't even want to make an offer because i wanted them to get full price and i couldn't give them that. She had great advice. "You should offer them what works for you. It's up to them to decide if that works for them. There nothing more to it than that."

I was raised in a place where mind reading was required and it was a rule that couldn't get right. So I have a tendency to think I have to mind read and then I'm freaking out because I'm sure I'll "get it wrong". The truth is, I don't actually have to DO any of that. (If I could only remember that when I need it!)

Asking for a loan is hard. For most people. It's probably harder than average for you. (It is for me.) But, I'd consider actually asking them for a loan. The worst they can do is say "no", right? (I've got several friends who have asked me for a loan, I'm glad if I can help. I'm also glad I don't have to try to read their minds.)
 
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