Am in Hell

Silent000

New Here
Hi. Ever since I have been diagnosed with PTSD my worst nightmare was reaching a point where I don't care about anything. Am just tired of this pain am tired of these depression and tired of everything. These is too painful. I tried to sell naked pictures of myself online, just so I could feel Worthy. Am 27 years of age...am not married and Don't have kids. I have a whole degree and yet it is useless....I should be settling into my adult life and yet am scared leaving the house.

I know that the people who did this to me can't get to me but I feel like everyone knows that I was sexually assaulted and raped and they are morking me. I feel like the next rapist is around the corner waiting for me.
My Christian therapist told me that " am a sinner and that is why all this bad things happened to me and will continue to happen and that for as long as I don't repent, confess my sins". What chance do I really have of surving these, do I even have a chance. I feel useless ,dirty and unloveble. These people stole 7 years of my life from me. I have no one. I don't have any friends and well my family their just there.
I tried to avoid any substance with regards to my depression but I think it's time to self medicate or else something bad will end up happening.
Lately I have been having all this thoughts of inflicting pain on my self and it's scary. I really don't know what to do....I have left my therapist but his words keep haunting me. How will I even begin seeking help again?? I can't even handle writting these because I am in tears
 

RussellSue

Not Active
I have left my therapist but his words keep haunting me. How will I even begin seeking help again??
I am so sorry this happened to you. It's shit. Your therapist is also a sinner and bad things will happen to him and he may repent, but bad things will still happen. There is nothing biblical about that statement and it's terrible, too. I have NEVER had a therapist say something like that to me and I have been in therapy for 16 years. Please do not imagine that is normal. I did have an untrained pastor say horrible judgy things like that, though. It's not religion: it's bad people with too much self-esteem/arrogance.

I have had a lot of pretty nasty trauma and traumatic responses and truthfully, the single most helpful thing I have done is EMDR therapy. If you can find a way to do that, I would strongly encourage you to look in that direction. It is hard, but worthwhile for sure. At the very least, a trauma therapist seems like a better fit than a Christian counselor for sexual issues. I say that as a Christian, too. It is unfortunate, but people are quite confused about where their poor reading/interpretation ends and Christianity actually starts and/or they really are sent by the devil to make religion look bad and are doing a damn fine job of it, too.

I hope you can find some relief very soon.
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
Hi! Welcome to the forum. I am very sorry of what has been said to you, and how guilting it is, how long it can stay. All I can say is that you are as lovable as anyone and, if these people could read the Bible correctly instead of being obsessed with sins, that is the message of love that the texts brings with them. Hopefully you can find here a space with many different people who have many different experiences, and learn and find support and encouragement. What is important is that you want to heal. Find a good therapist who is aware of these questions. And reconstruct a life with new friends. Welcome again, this place helped me so much in moments I couldn’t see anything right.
 

Chris416

New Here
Silent000,

It's important to practice self-care more now than ever. I'm a spiritual person with a scientific mind and It sounds like you have religious beliefs, or, maybe you don't. So like me share two things with you that made me feel 3% better.

Archbishop Desmond Tutu is great friends with the Holy Dalai Lama, the spiritual leader of Tibetan Buddhism.

During an interview the archbishop joked about what will happen to the Dalai Lama when he dies and meets God. God would say:

"Oh, Dalai Lama! You have done so much for mankind! You have inspired compassion, saved lives, and help so many people! You are truly a saint deserving of my love! But I have to send you to the other place."

The archbishop then added: "I refuse to go to heaven if God does not let him in because he is different."

Do you think the archbishop would call you a sinner? Or would he pray for you, comfort you and get you help?

Are far as Christianity goes, I'm certain the archbishop knows more than your therapist.

What happened to you was not your fault.

It was only after I went to a doctor that I started getting help. Doctors swear an oath to do no harm. You can trust them. The Doctor, made sure I was okay, found me a psychiatrist. I was also introduced to a survivors group in my area that's was very helpful. I met people that went through similar experiences.

It wasn't your fault.

In the meantime, here are some ideas to nurture yourself.

Physically
  • Take a walk
  • Ride a bike
  • Exercise
  • Stretch/yoga
  • Rest and digest
Emotionally
  • Do breathing exercises (box breathing = 4 secs in...hold 4 secs... 4 secs out...hold 4 secs... Repeat 4 times) and recite a mantra in your head such as, “I am calm and peaceful.” or "This to shall pass"
  • Share your feelings with a friend or loved one, or start a diary here.
  • Sit across an empty chair and have a reassuring conversation with your inner child.
  • Acknowledge how you're feeling several times a day. P.A.U.S.E. (Paying Attention Unveils Sacred Experiences)
Mentally
  • Write your thoughts, feelings, etc in a journal
  • read
  • write a poem
  • listen to and inspiring speaker
Spiritually
  • Connect with nature
  • Focus on a candle flame
  • Meditate
  • Listen to guided meditation
  • Practice unconditional love and forgiveness
  • Do something kind for others in your community
  • Pray
  • Visualize yourself in a peaceful place
You will be okay. I hope this helps.
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
As a Christian I think your T is crazy, at least ignorant of understanding, and not trauma-informed. Being victimized and re-enacting it, or trying to deal with abuse, self-blame and shame needs healing, which I'm sure God wants for you. If God is all-loving and all-merciful I really doubt (S)He's out to cause you more grief. Rather, you need compassion and tools. I am very sorry. Talk about feeling unheard and misunderstood. 😢 That is like secondary wounding.

There is a saying, 'What is the difference between God and a Dr?' And the answer is, 'God doesn't think He's a Doctor'. In this case that might apply. Your T may be well meaning, but if you want to self harm in response it's not working well for you (I don't think it would for anyone).

Welcome to you.
 
A

amespinoza

Hi. Ever since I have been diagnosed with PTSD my worst nightmare was reaching a point where I don't care about anything. Am just tired of this pain am tired of these depression and tired of everything. These is too painful. I tried to sell naked pictures of myself online, just so I could feel Worthy. Am 27 years of age...am not married and Don't have kids. I have a whole degree and yet it is useless....I should be settling into my adult life and yet am scared leaving the house.

I know that the people who did this to me can't get to me but I feel like everyone knows that I was sexually assaulted and raped and they are morking me. I feel like the next rapist is around the corner waiting for me.
My Christian therapist told me that " am a sinner and that is why all this bad things happened to me and will continue to happen and that for as long as I don't repent, confess my sins". What chance do I really have of surving these, do I even have a chance. I feel useless ,dirty and unloveble. These people stole 7 years of my life from me. I have no one. I don't have any friends and well my family their just there.
I tried to avoid any substance with regards to my depression but I think it's time to self medicate or else something bad will end up happening.
Lately I have been having all this thoughts of inflicting pain on my self and it's scary. I really don't know what to do....I have left my therapist but his words keep haunting me. How will I even begin seeking help again?? I can't even handle writting these because I am in tears
This is my first time writing on this website even though I've come across it many times but I feel like God wants me to speak. I know you're going through a tough time but the Lord is faithful! Even if you can not see it I promise you he's working. I've also been going through a hard time, struggling with the thought of my future because I will be turning 20 and have never had a job among other things that have made the past few days sleepless and filled with tears but I know there's a purpose. Don't put your worth or faith in people because they will always fail you because we're imperfect beings but God is perfect! God's timing and will are perfect so be patient. I encourage you to really dig into the word because that is where God speaks the most and pray even when it feels like God isn't listening because he is, he hears you. As for your therapist, not sure if he had good intentions but he's wrong. We suffer because we live in a fallen world who's ruler is satan and his demons but God is in control and has already overcome this world. God doesn't promise that we won't have sufferings, infact he says we'll have trials and tribulations as a Christian. Here's how I explain it, if we never suffered there would be no need for God or faith, we wouldn't appreciate the good in our life, and God wouldn't be able to use us for his glory, to speak to others like I am now! God delivered me from anxiety and depression and although I still struggle, that alone is enough to praise him. You are NOT useless, dirty, and unlovable, those are lies straight from the enemy! You are so lovable that Jesus died on the cross for you. If you need friends I wouldn't mind being penpals! God bless you, I'll be praying for you and I hope you're feeling better these days!
 
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