An Intro And Request For Info

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TheBrokenOne

Hello everyone, i'm new on here so this is going to be a longer post that i would guess some of you would see...

I am 25 and I've been through hell and back again on several occasions.

When i was 5 i was introduced to the concept of sex from a neighbor down the road that was 16 years old, I then got curious of the topic and sought out answers which led to a repressed memory to resurface.. it haunted me for weeks and when I tried to tell my mom about it.... i got in trouble for saying the word sex like knew what it meant. The only reason i know the dream was a repressed memory was because a few years later, the race track i specifically remember wanting to play with.. the one i was manipulated into doing something dirty with a man who's face i couldn't make out in the dream... in my closet at my dads house... I wasn't the same after that.

I was 7 when i was first fingered, and it hurt super badly, but i didn't have a voice to tell him to stop... same kid from down the street, only this time he was 18 years old. And that set what i thought that experience was supposed to be like... pain.

I accepted my curiosity and over the next few years i had a habit of sticking things inside myself. Ice, stuffed animals that happened to fit.. little stuff that didn't hurt myself.

when i was 8 I we moved, i think my mom knew at that point what happened with that guy, but I was also heavily bullied, in fact, i had never been to a daycare or babysitter with other kids without being hurt or picked on... i had very little social skills and it made me desperate to be liked... growing up without friends is horrible.

We moved into my grandma's house and I had only two girls to play with, and i got manipulated by them all the time.. it wasn't till later that i was tricked into calling myself a slut and saying i had blown someone before... i just agreed to make them laugh and treat me like they liked me. Then that summer my cousins, both on my dads side, decided i was a prime target.... one only talked to me about it, we used to sleep together when we were kids and they were staying with my grandparents the same time i was and so i had to share a bed.. and of course they didn't' think a 8 year old would have any association with that so I was sharing with the cousin that was the same age as me. his brother at the time was 13 or 14.... I was bribed into showing off my body in exchange for playing Pokemon yellow, which I very much wanted to play, and by this point i didn't think it a big deal so i did. It messed with me though, and it gave me nightmares, and i ended up telling my grandmother... who in turn told me to keep my mouth shut... she was extremely passive and my grandpa was pretty verbally abusive... so then i told my mother and things got messy fast... i never opened my mouth after that again.

When i was 9 I started gaining weight, which i know now is because i have PCOS or poly cystic ovarian syndrome. Then everyone started giving me more crap than they did before... and the two other friends i had made in my neighborhood, who happened to be boys, stopped coming over or coming out to play when i'd try to invite them over.... when they did finally talk to me again... "well you just started getting fat and i started to not like you anymore"... i was devastated... and alone... and bullied.. so i went back to putting things in myself again. then one morning i had blood in my underwear and it hurt when i peed.. i told my mom who i was scared to tell what i had did, so she thought i started my period and it was never thought about again.. aside from her attempt to introduce me into the world of puberty with somewhat of a survival bag.. which looking back on that now was awesome of her to do... still, she never knew.

When i was 10, I was sick of my school but really had no way to project my anxiety and stress other than trying to be as friendly as i could which came off to others as wierd and boy crazy.. and i guess i just went with it.. in a way i guess i was trying to get at least some form of attention which was my desperate attempt at socializing... and i had finally got asked to a dance by a boy i hadn't known long that genuinely seemed to like me... untill the other guys got to him... it was the stereotypical scene where the girl gets stood up and its raining like cats and dogs... i had no money for the dance because he said he was paying... it made me go null... i stopped feeling for a long time after that.

then that summer our house burnt down.. which only furthered the issue.

When we moved to the apartments for temporary placement, i received a call... from that kid down the block from when i was little.. and it scared me, i didn't understand how he got our number there.. but i never answered the phone again after that... i still don't' like using phones much.

when we finally moved away, we moved across the state... day one in their school system and i had trouble with my locker, I was helped, and i went to class, sure i'd get a fresh start.. till some boys asked me if i liked the boy that helped me.... i didn't understand what they meant but i did after i noded my head... that was it... fresh start obliterated, and it just escalated from there.. it was middle school and i didn't get to go anywhere or do anything so i became an outcast fast. My mother wasn't handling my dads efforts to get me to move to his house well.. at all.. and it made my life harder.

I had gotten into the habit by now, of using blunt objects inside myself... anything i could find that would fit and; not hurt too bad. It was all i knew as pleasure.

age 13 my period started for the first time.. which only vamped the urge before and after.. eventually i graduated to using the handle of a hammer.

my middle school carreer was shit.. and by this point i was in therapy, wrongly dignosed as bipolar and had pills shoved down my throat that made my anxiety unbarable, depresssion worse and worse... and i started feeling suicidal... and i was pre exposed to the idea of cutting... and i did... for a long time my mom didn't know... then the A bomb hit and my grandmother died... she was my brest friend and it killed me, i couldn't stand it and so i went to a mental hospital in kansas city because i tried to kill myself. It didn't help that my dad ways laying it on thicker, and the bullying was horrible and nothing helped.. i couldn't find any way to escape...

When i came back everyone knew... so then i got that at school.. and slowly i became numb again.

from there up to age 16 i had one relationship that ended horribly and one that nearly killed me..

I was communicating with a friend of mine.. that always seemed to be on the same page as me.. he had hatred for the people who hurt him and could say and do things i didn't have in me... i ended up falling in love with him... and our first time together is what started our whole relationship that summer. The first night i kissed him and he fingered him.. but you could tell he had never preformed or been kissed before so i didnt' push.. i just thought that was what attracted guys... sex, sexy stuff... then after that we actually started dating and i fell hard.. i was over there all the time.. and then one day i overwhelmed him and he broke it off with me... which depressed me... i never left bed longer to eat what i could that summer....then when school hit i was just.. void.

In October, Halloween, I got the courage to face him and nearly had a panic attack but that night ended with him calling me a bitch because i was wrong with directions and they left me there... and made sure i couldn't fallow... so i walked home in the dark alone.

then right after i turned 17 i met this boy in the lunch line his parents were super religious and randomly broke it off due to my age and I had already attempted to have sex with him... and i made the dumbest move.. thinking it would get me something in terms of social comparability, but it didn't.. word got around and my mother found out... granted we never actually had sex. we tried, but it never progressed past my thighs, though i did have my first oral encounter with him.

I didnt' stay single long... I soon got back together with the first guy, and it was the start of the end for who i was and any hope of happiness i had. At first it started out great, but then, due to a really messed up situation.. i moved in with him... i had sex for the first time with him, and I fell for him again... the first year was nice though stressfull and i thought it was ment to be... but then the verbal abuse started when his friends were around.. he'd leave me behind and talk crap about me like the kids from school did....yet i stayed because i was going to be the person to make a difference in his life, i was going to be the one who stayed.. so i emotionally invested all in.... It lasted for almost 4 years, getting worse and worse... then that finally year we were together, i left for a few months, I was going to get a job in the city and move us out there, but staying with my dad turned into.... a very bad situation in itself and then my bf told me something that was a dark lie and it crushed me... i was in bed the whole time.. trying to find the streingth to move...

when i went back home, I stayed with my mom, i had been back twice before but this time i had no choic and we finally got an apartment... i was hoping that would be the difference.. not living with his dad and all the other people in the building were his friends.... I was so wrong.

after the first month i had developed a complex.. sex was the only thing that could fix anything... he'd hit me.. i'd advance and he was ok again... and this contenued on.. though he left me alone alot, seperated me from my friends because one happened to be a boy but then claimed i refused to get any friends... claimed i cheated on him because that boy he was so worried about did kiss me and because i didn't slap him or go off on him.. i was a cheater... so i got hell.. all day every day till i was so depressed i barely could care for myself... then that summer another bombshell hit.

You see i had gotten into drinking. heavily, and i also was a huge stoner by this point.. anything to null the pain that couldn't cause a huge addiction problem if i ever came out of it... well.. i got hella drunk one night before he came home from work and I was far beyond drunk i was absolutely sloshed.. hell i drank a half bottle of jagermeister on top of six Smirnoff raspberries.. i was gone and some how i remember it all... which sucks... that night i started apologizing profusely.. taking responsibility for every problem and fight... and by the time everything was said and done.. I advanced and we did... and.. i remember it hurting.. super badly, and i don't know why, but it did and i wanted to tell him to stop by I just wanted so desprately for him to be happy with me again that i just let him go....

almost two months later i found out i was pregnant.... I had just called the suicide hotline the night before i found out.. so i was in an awful place and yet i felt a sliver of happieness because i stupidly thought that would change things.. not that it was on purpose.. i was on birth control, it just failed... but... i told him.. and i regret telling him... i wish i would have ran, just left all my shit, never told him and left the state....but i didn't.. i always had a voice in the back of my mind saying the things he would say and so i told him... then it got worse... physically, mentally and emotionally. he drug everything down. I got the ever living crap beat out of me over the smallest things... and due to the depression and morning sickness i dropped 80 pounds in less than 2 months, he caused me to bleed the first time and i went in and stayed overnight on banana bags the first time because i was so dehydrated. after that it was one thing after another.. burning bacon, laying in bed stick as could be day in and day out... and then there were the times i got that burst of courage... one day i had gone in to ask him permission to go to caseys and get some food because he ate my last pizza.. because he was stoned and didn't care about me.. it was the last item in the house i had that didn't make me super sick.. and he told me i could but i wanted to know why he had to eat mine instead of the dozens of other things he had.. and i made the mistake of pushing him.. not hard mind you. he was laying on his side. it was enough to rock him but i wasn't trying to hurt or be mean just get him awake to talk... and he snapped.

you never really expect to hear the thud behind a blow to the face, or feel your collar bone pop under the pressure or to feel your cheek ripped open after being screamed at and bitten.. ears ringing.... he took my phone and shattered it.. throwing it on the radiator and told me if i moved from the bed before he got back from the bathroom... he was going to kill me..... he had ripped enough hair out, that when i could finally brush it without crying i had a bald spot... i lost my job after that as well because one of his family members when and told my boss i did it all to myself.... so then i was reliant on him which made things much worse... so i talked to my mom about moving in with her.. and by this point my mother had saw all the bruises on my neck and face arms... i was bad at hiding it..so of course she said yes....

I had taken a spiteful opportunity to sleep with my friend while we were apart.. just because i was bitter and wanted to hurt him back for once.... though he doesn't know that, he just knows when we broke up i slept with him... not my most shining moment..

the last incident... i can't remember if i got bold again or if it was over the burnt bacon... he tried to kill me... that was the second time he made me bleed.. he kicked me in the stomach.. i was 5 months along at this point... he tried to smother me with the pillow....i didnt' come back to the apartment for a while after that

being separated didn't help anything, i was still in deep and i still had hope and by the time my son was 4 months old i had a second assault on him which granted me a restraining order (not by name, it was terms of his probation to stay away from me) which gave me a year where he couldn't come at me again...

within that year.. the probation started in july, I had moved in with a friend and had a fling. nothing big and then i had a new interest... he contacted me.. and from there things just... fell into place... byt the time my son was 5 months old, i found my prince charming... hell needless to say by the time my ex was off probation we were already out of town, living in our own home.. and i do mean my amazing bf went and bought a house for all of us... we hit a year and that fallowing November we were married.. fast yes.. but we are working on year 4 relationship wise and rear 3 of marriage and we are insanely happy, comparable.. i've never had a relationship like this one and he pulls in enough income i get to stay home with my son (i had expected to find a job here mind you, i'm not a gold digger)

so given everything above... i still.. to this day have the urge to masturbate with blunt objects... that was what i wanted to ask you all.. is there anyone out there hat has this? because sometimes its the only thing that helps when my ptsd (yes i was diagnosed with ptsd and GAD along with depression all of which i am medicated for) kicks in, i still do.. i almost can't help it and it feels good till the end and then i cry uncontrollably for an hour. I don't do it hard enough to make myself bleed, just the right amount of pressure... and i don't know which it is.. my past or the fact that now that i'm in a good relationship.. i found out I'm infertile because of my pcos..... I never thought of it as self harm but could that be it? idk.. i'm still trying to work through my past... i'm getting better.. but it haunts my dreams, and i have panic attacks in my sleep anxiety attacks away. I've gotten my weight back under control i'm healthier, even my doctor was impressed with the measures i've taken to work from a natural side to ease this.. but we can't afford therapy and after what i went through with doctors before i keep to myself about repressed memories coming to surface and such. so i wanted to find a place where i could try and see what others thought without reveling who i am...

again sorry its so long.. but.. anything you could tell me?

thanks all
 
A

Asakuj

I understand the desire to stay anon but you might be better served posting this in the introduction section
 
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