Anger, fear, shame

[hyperanxiety]

I am wondering if I am starting to feel my true emotions now. I am still mostly angry about just about everything. I am okay when I am out of my apartment but I strictly limit the amount and duration of time whenever I leave my home. If I didn't have to actually go out to get some necessary items I wouldn't (This is even though my depression and anxiety ramp up when I am home for a more extended period of time). Lately I have been becoming angry about having to go out.

As I was writing in my journal earlier I have to wonder if anger is a disguise for fear and fear is a disguise for shame or are they all one and the same? I probably am not making any sense at all. But I want to mention this because all I ever realize the more I journal is I keep going around and around in circles with the similar thoughts and always coming to revelations. Only these aren't revelations at all. These are the usual thoughts I believed from the beginning.

And then there are my abandonment issues. I even fear my own therapist is going to abandon me sometime in the future. (That usually only happened to me when the therapist leaves the practice or retires). Besides, most all of my other "friends" abandoned me eventually. So maybe the anger, fear, and shame all have something to do with me being abandoned?

But my shame goes much deeper than that. I am so ashamed of everything I think, say, and do especially when I am home. (I live alone and have lived alone for more than 20 years). Again, I am making no flippin' sense.

Maybe there is something I write in between the "revelations" at the start and beginning of my journal entries? Even now I am confusing myself more.

If anyone can relate to this and/or has any input, I would appreciate it very much. Thank you in advance!

 

[Movingforward10]

You make a lot of sense.
And I understand.

Sounds to me you know yourself well (maybe better than you realise?). You can feel and understand emotions (which, I find amazing as that's been something I have actively avoided for decades). And you are making connections between emotions and experiences.
All pretty impressive stuff.

I too have fear my T will abandon me. We talk about it now and then. The fear comes and goes in intensity.
The anger - yep, me too.
The shame - yep, me too.
The fear - yep.
All of which shapes me and my actions. And I'm trying to change it all. Understanding where this comes from (very young baby parts of me who were left alone emotionally, and then the trauma in childhood where again I was left to deal with on my own) and how to set it free (not worked that bit out yet).
I don't have words of wisdom, but just wanted to acknowledge that, to me, you don't sound confused. These revelations are revelations. Perhaps parts of you know them already, so that's why it doesn't feel a revelation but instead a long held knowledge. But for other parts of you they are revelations. You're working on integrating all your knowledge, experiences, feelings and parts of yourself?

 

[hyperanxiety]

Thank you for understanding. It is 9:00 A.M. here now. I actually have a phone session with my therapist at 11:00 so I will reply further later. Thanks!