Anger - I Don’t Get Angry


I have an anger problem.
I don't get angry. Never have done.

It would be easy to say that not getting angry could be an avoidance, but I was a non angry child well before the event.
I've had plenty of therapy over the years, but we always hit a block. Something so distressing that my Ts were not happy pursuing it.
I'm now beginning to wonder if it could be Anger ? How can I process trauma without anger ?

Let me know your thoughts.. I promise not to get angry :)


I'm searching for ideas. Like could I have been superconditioned to not get angry. Did someone tell me that being angry isn't nice and I took the concept to far? Is it even possible not to feel anger?


Mod Note

Did I post to the wrong section ?

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I just wanted to check before I replied (as a member) or moved it (as staff), that it wasn’t an “Oops! I forgot to post that bit!” -or- that what seemed like an obvious connection to you, was simply something I missed. As just because I didn’t see an obvious link? Doesn’t mean there isn’t one.

There may be a better section, or we may move it back here if as people respond core beliefs or cognitive distortions take shape… but for now, since you’re searching for ideas? We’ll just nip it over to General for the widest audience & scope of ideas.

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I used to think I couldn’t get angry then I had kids 😳. Turned out I had rage issues. I didn’t know that self injury and suicidal ideation were me attempting to consume my own anger rather than letting it out. With my kids I couldn’t bypass it, it would just burst out, particularly when the older one was mean to the younger one.

In my childhood I was the golden child but still beaten and after a beating I would self injure and fantasize about escaping. I wanted to be perfect so badly and Christianity fed into that delusion.

I wonder if your drinking was a way for you to internalize your anger. Addictions tend to become self-injurious.

It was hard for me to understand small anger. And how to get it out. I learned about venting and tried it out like one would try meditation—had to read the instructions, step by step. Tried calling someone who was the closest to a friend I had at the time to practice. People were generally accommodating but it was hard to maintain those early recovery friendships.

I also mixed up sadness and anger, still struggle with this. So maybe the next time you feel sad (or afraid) you could try hard to explore that feeling and see if there are any components which might involve anger, or try to notice what other people get mad about and then when that comes up in your life see if there’s a feeling at all.

If you ever feel like you want a drink that might actually be anger.

Just some thoughts.


Is it even possible not to feel anger?
There’s been a number of times in my own life, for different periods of time, where I just don’t feel anger.

- When I don’t feel ANYTHING. Zip. Nada. Zilch.
- When you must be at least this tall, to ride this ride. (And there’s simply nothing that rises to the level of something I’d feel angry about.)
- When I’m sublimating (redirecting/altering) anger as quickly as it arrives …&/or… using it as fuel or storing for later use as fuel (cool it, coil it, put it away).
- When I’m dissociating in certain/specific ways unrelated to what’s already been mentioned.
- When I’m numb, depressed, or apathetic.

There have also been times in my life where anger is, hands down, my number 1 biggest problem. Snicker… I often gather the reputation of Never getting angry / being impossible to make angry / having the patience of a saint. And it’s sooooo not true. I have a wicked hot/fast temper, and virtually no patience to speak of. I’ve just also spent years and years learning how to a) control it & b) control my affect & actions. So it may look to others one way, but I very much know the difference.

So is it POSSIBLE? For sure. From personal experience.


- I’ve known a small handful of people in my life who only feel anger about as often as I feel jealousy. IE almost never, can count on one hand, kind of thing. It’s just not the way they’re wired. The unfortunate thing there is that means they have no experience learning to control their anger, so when they do snap? It tends to get out of hand very, very quickly. Big bad bada boom.

- I’ve known far far more people who are either ‘just’ mislabeling their anger, and don’t see the rage pouring out of every molecule / practically vibrating with it, or drowning in it… or who are so zoned out / dissociative / drugged up it’s a wonder they can feel anything at all.

So could you be one of those rare people who just aren’t wired to feel anger more than once in a blue moon? Yep.

Or there could be something else going on.


there was a time when i swore likewise. i never get angry. never have.

and then the damn burst. . .
don't know which burst first, the anger or the repressed memories, but ? ? ? does it matter? it was a rough ride.

i had zero coping mechanisms for the fierce anger which spewed through that broken damn. i was one angry witch for a number of years until i found my way into an anger management support group. anger channeling proved to be my own ticket out of that nightmare. once i calmed by channeling the rage, i was able to start collecting tools to process the trauma, anger, etc., before it has a chance to escalate into rage.

these days i know when i am mad as it happens and am far more able to act on my anger rather than simply explode.

but that is me and every case is unique.
steadying support while you sort your own case.

How can I process trauma without anger ?

i have never found a way. sometimes anger is a sign of strong moral ethics. some of the things which happen to children **should** royally piss you off.


Sorry @OliveJewel I nearly wet myself reading your first line.

It’s funny because I think of my self as someone who doesn’t like that emotion. It scares me, a lot in fact when it’s directed at me and I would say I don’t have it but I’d be lying. Children are the answer to your I can’t feel anger problem. But it won’t be a solution you like. You’ll always feel guilty because they’re kids and don’t deserve it. Usually anger turns inward in my world, but then in my world what doesn’t.


I once said I was never happy. One day a therapist asked me to define happiness, turns out I had an unrealistic belief about the way other people felt happiness and its many forms. You may be doing something similar.

As someone who has always struggled with anger, I've found it's more about my interpretation than anything.

We interpret the world through an ever-changing filter. I'll share a few of my own and how they relate for me, in case your interested.

"It Is What It Is" when I go through life with this mindset, I'm basically never angry. Not because I'm some great stoic, most of the time it's because I've given up and just don't care.(side note, you may want to look into stoic philosophy if you're not familiar. You may already be operating with a similar mindset)

"Everyone's Out To Get Me" pretty much speaks for itself. Hypervigilance is on overdrive. I typically look for everything wrong in what is said and then believe they intentionally left out important details to hinder me.

Some people take it personally when they get cut off in traffic and honk the horn or something else. Others may wonder if the other driver is okay and hopes they get where their going safely.

How we see the world shapes how we react to it. That's my 2 cents.


I didn’t think I felt anger for a while. It was the last emotion that clicked for me. I hadn’t realised I had spent most of my life until that point Behind a light shimmer of dissociative symptoms. I knew I had dissociative symptoms the memory loss, key loss, everything loss was a bit of a give away. I worked on the intense episodes and learned grounding techniques and mindfulness and all that shit.

It wasn’t until I was practicing it quite regularly that I had episodes of clarity. Then obviously I hadn’t been able to feel a full range of emotions. Distress/anxiety to dissociation and some of the good uns. I had to name and label what my emotions were. That took a while and like I said anger was the last to fall into place. And f*ck me it fell from a great height. I have no problem experiencing anger now…everyone around me are the people experiencing the problem *points at self*.

Don’t regret it for a minute it gets me into trouble yeah. As long as someone’s around to stop me bashing someone’s head in with a tin of soup in the supermarket because the jumped the line. It’s a driving force. A couple of angry episodes have dragged my arse out the the pits of depression. I’d rather have it all (emotions wise) than a watered down version living behind a veil.