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Anger Without A Place

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Trinomial

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I used to be very angry. I was angry at my mom for all the things she did to me, all the things she allowed to happen to me, and all the things she never did as a parent. I felt like a disappointment my whole life and was convinced very early on that my mom resented me. I remember asking her when I was 7 years old, why she didn't have an abortion.

I used to blame myself. I blamed myself until I was 22 years old. I hated myself and I didn't want to exist. I eventually realized the things that happened to me weren't my fault. I didn't deserve what happened and what was still happening as a result of my past. I blamed my mother and stepfather for robbing me of my childhood and teen years. I was angry with my family for turning the other way and allowing this atrocity.

Later, I realized they have issues too and that's probably how they could do those things. I no longer directed my anger towards myself or them. I blamed a screwed up society, corrupt politicians and lobbyists, and people who were passive and apathetic. I was angry at people who weren't genuine. I was angry at everyone and wanted nothing to do with people. They disgusted me.

Now I don't blame anyone. I know that people are who they are and I can't blame them. We are all products of our own minds, social interactions, institutions, families, genetic make-up, experience, etc. and everything is as it ought to be, otherwise it wouldn't be. Everything is ok. It always has been and always will be.

Yet I still have this rage inside and now I have no where to direct it. Sometimes I want to cry because of it, but no tears come out.

It is frustrating. I don't understand why I am angry anymore.
 
Very well put. You expressed very well the space you are in with your anger.

Perhaps you can try embracing the anger as a part of you who needs to be heard? Then take her in your arms and hear her anger over and over. Sort of like the inner child work......or like it is a multiple personality, a part of you that isn't ALL of you.

It's OK to be angry. I found for me, if I just embrace it or tell the story to one other person who has the space to hear it, that the anger subsides to be just a 'part' of me and not the whole consuming 'me.'

Lately, for the first time in 45 years, I'm not just a 'ball' of anger. Yes, there's still anger. I take it out and listen to it, write it, talk to it, allow it to talk......but it isn't me. I'm not being eaten up by it.

Hope this helps.
 
Trinomial - Anger does not always have a place - anger in itself is an expression of Love turned inside out, I believe. I think that if you were shown love by your Mother instead of what you got - if understanding was given, then you most likely would have had time to heal properly. I am the same, my whole family abused me in some way, shape or form, and I am constantly angry, yet the anger is directed at nobody and nothing in particular.

Sometimes Anger has more power than anything else I feel, it overshadows everything entirely, and it leaves me feeling extremely confused and very vulnerable. People see me as a very secluded person, someone with no friends, no family - nothing, but the Anger in a way feeds me, and it keeps me safe in some ways. I try not to ever direct my anger at anyone, and have been kind of successful in this, but you must remember that when Anger comes, it must surface, and try to get underneath and feel what is causing the anger, and what is making the anger come...

X
 
Hey there Trinomial!!

You are very good at expressing your emotions. For me that has always come slowly.

Through therapy, I learned that my anger was really fear. When I began to work on it from that angle, I was able to release my anger with each trauma I experienced. I took them one at a time from childhood on.... Actually I made a resentment list with two columns, one my resentment and two, my part in it. If I had no part, I wrote none.

After processing this, I found I had suppressed rage. For me, the rage was all the intense hurt I felt because of the traumas. I'm the type of person that has to be physical when processing rage. The things I did were...take a ball bat and hit a pillow screaming at my abuser until I can't raise the bat...take a hand axe (big axe to big and heavy) and find a tree stump and hack away doing the screaming...diggin in the dirt/any type of gardening involving hand tools for dirt. Could be shoveling a hole, using a cultivator to hack up soil in a bed, or digging out weedy grass that's hard to remove. All the while, I'm thinking about my rage and am raging at my perp.

These were helpful, positive ways of processing my rage without hurting someone else. If I strained myself, well, I usually would stop and do my raging later. I did care about my physical wellbeing. I found that the exertion helped take all the intense energy out of me and my rage/anger. I always felt better afterwards, and when I got my breath, I tried to journal what happened. It really helped me make sense of my really strong emotions. The ones I was most afraid of...it gave me the slightest relief that I had "some control over it and all that free-floating emotion could focus and be processed in a positive way.

Hope that helps...hang in there!
suzie q
 
I suppose every emotion has a place, technically. And all emotions are temporary. I'm just not good at expressing it in such a way that I feel relief from it. I have the anger, but I am not the anger and the anger is just a tiny fraction of my experience here.

I've heard of people who use visualization techniques to relive those bad memories and they insert themselves in it somehow as they are now and tell their past self that everything is ok and they are loved. It helps some people. I've never been good at visualizing, but maybe I will try it.

Thank you both for your input.
 
I've been contemplating this issue for a little while now.

I think I focus too much on the things that bother me--my doubts, insecurities, my self-limiting behavior, and other things that annoy me, rather than focusing on the fact that life has a lot to offer. I let opportunities pass me by on a daily basis because I put too much energy into the wrong things.

I feel pretty foolish right now because when I look at it that way, it seems so obvious and simplistic.

I think it takes the same amount of energy to focus on the wrong things as it does to focus on the right things--but for reasons unknown, it seems easier to put energy where it doesn't belong, thus creating unnecessary struggles for myself.

Perhaps the known seems safer than the unknown, because that is what I am used to.

I have to be more mindful with my thoughts and actions. If I consciously do what I need to do, to be better, then I can move along. Otherwise, I'll just be stuck in this state of frustration.
 
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