I used to be very angry. I was angry at my mom for all the things she did to me, all the things she allowed to happen to me, and all the things she never did as a parent. I felt like a disappointment my whole life and was convinced very early on that my mom resented me. I remember asking her when I was 7 years old, why she didn't have an abortion.
I used to blame myself. I blamed myself until I was 22 years old. I hated myself and I didn't want to exist. I eventually realized the things that happened to me weren't my fault. I didn't deserve what happened and what was still happening as a result of my past. I blamed my mother and stepfather for robbing me of my childhood and teen years. I was angry with my family for turning the other way and allowing this atrocity.
Later, I realized they have issues too and that's probably how they could do those things. I no longer directed my anger towards myself or them. I blamed a screwed up society, corrupt politicians and lobbyists, and people who were passive and apathetic. I was angry at people who weren't genuine. I was angry at everyone and wanted nothing to do with people. They disgusted me.
Now I don't blame anyone. I know that people are who they are and I can't blame them. We are all products of our own minds, social interactions, institutions, families, genetic make-up, experience, etc. and everything is as it ought to be, otherwise it wouldn't be. Everything is ok. It always has been and always will be.
Yet I still have this rage inside and now I have no where to direct it. Sometimes I want to cry because of it, but no tears come out.
It is frustrating. I don't understand why I am angry anymore.
I used to blame myself. I blamed myself until I was 22 years old. I hated myself and I didn't want to exist. I eventually realized the things that happened to me weren't my fault. I didn't deserve what happened and what was still happening as a result of my past. I blamed my mother and stepfather for robbing me of my childhood and teen years. I was angry with my family for turning the other way and allowing this atrocity.
Later, I realized they have issues too and that's probably how they could do those things. I no longer directed my anger towards myself or them. I blamed a screwed up society, corrupt politicians and lobbyists, and people who were passive and apathetic. I was angry at people who weren't genuine. I was angry at everyone and wanted nothing to do with people. They disgusted me.
Now I don't blame anyone. I know that people are who they are and I can't blame them. We are all products of our own minds, social interactions, institutions, families, genetic make-up, experience, etc. and everything is as it ought to be, otherwise it wouldn't be. Everything is ok. It always has been and always will be.
Yet I still have this rage inside and now I have no where to direct it. Sometimes I want to cry because of it, but no tears come out.
It is frustrating. I don't understand why I am angry anymore.