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Angrily focused on the other

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PreciousChild

MyPTSD Pro
I haven't posted in a long time. I hope I can have some feedback about my current struggle. I am feeling really angry and resentful at someone in my life who I can't simply walk away from or ignore (not someone from my immediate family). It's actually a part of a pattern: Person X (could be a brief acquaintance or somewhat of a friend) has characteristics that remind me of my father - narcissistic, arrogant, rude, etc. I get triggered and react with anger/rage at him or her, and I can't get past it. Usually, it ends just because I walk away either for good in the case of a casual acquaintance or I take a long break. But in this case, I have to spend extended time with him once to three days per week, and I'm experiencing intense feelings that I can neither shut off, nor make peace with. My problem is not so much with person X, but with the feelings that come up inside myself.

I think misdirected anger is at the root of many dysfunctions. Here is my analysis of what happens to me: I have this pent up rage from my parents' treatment of me, but I drove it underground to survive. It is often redirected at myself, and I am always scanning myself for any behaviors that might get me into trouble and squash it. But as I read, most children with chaotic attachments with parents do not focus on him or herself at all, nor do they completely withdraw, but have to remain vigilant. So they become "angrily fixated" on the parent, unable to engage the parent, but unable to go about their day. Children of secure attachment focus on themselves as a default and feel secure that the parent with be there for them and so feel free to explore their environment and play.

I think I continually recreate this "angry fixation" on the other as a way of having an outlet for my pent up anger and also to draw attention away from myself. To focus on myself and my needs was dangerous in the past, so by focusing on the other, I can take attention away from me. I also think that part of the source of the anger is very primordial. My dad wronged me in so many ways. I read an article recently by an evolutionary psychologist who argues that we are biologically evolved to take revenge. Revenge is about putting a cost onto someone who attempted to put a cost on you. The goal is to change the other's intentionality so that they are not as motivated to try and put a cost on you again. I do sense some level of primordial feeling of injustice and desire for restoration for all the abuse my dad inflicted on me. But I also counted on him for my survival as a child, so I redirected that anger to anything and anyone else but him. By the way, in general, I do not believe in revenge. I very much love Christ's message about forgiveness as a higher form of justice than eye for an eye (but tell that to my cptsd).

For all of these reasons, I want to get a handle on my feelings of anger and resentment towards person X and others like him. Though objectively, these folks that I target do tend to be obnoxious, my feelings towards them are not caused primarily by their behaviors. Though I do think that because they have negative characteristics, in my mind I'm able to justify directing my anger at them. That's another thing: my narrative has been that I am a good person and didn't deserve the treatment from my dad. So these angry feelings that I don't want to have are compounded by shame and absolute dissonance with the image I have of myself (helpful and benevolent). The only time I justify allowing my anger to have an outlet is when it is "justified" - person X is so awful and deserves my and everyone's anger. It's not me being hateful and angry, anyone would be angry at this person!

I am definitely able to just live with it and not act on it, but it feels awful and I would love to be able to get past it. By the way, I do not believe in venting and acting out. I've read that they actually increase angry feelings and not decrease them. I'm seeking advice more along the lines of reparenting, or some practice or mantra that could help get through/past the angry feelings. Thank you.
 
I think I continually recreate this "angry fixation" on the other as a way of having an outlet for my pent up anger and also to draw attention away from myself. To focus on myself and my needs was dangerous in the past, so by focusing on the other, I can take attention away from me.
Love this.

Not that you do it, but that you’ve nailed the pattern.

I am definitely able to just live with it and not act on it, but it feels awful and I would love to be able to get past it.
One of the ways I cheat in this type of situation where trauma & necessity are intersecting to crush me? Is, quite frankly, to play ‘make believe’.

It’s something that creates a similar distance, in a wildly different way, that lets me take a step back from the crucible-pattern. Just so that I’m not so locked into old patterns.

I’ve done investigative work, so it’s fairly easy for me to pretend I’m a spy. Here, not out of necessity or desire (like work or school), but to <insert objective here>. It lets me actually be ME, and accomplish the tasks/interactions I’ve set myself (work, school, etc.), but creates that distance between myself and individuals/situations I’d otherwise feel very trapped/locked into.

It’s a bizarre sort of ongoing reality check / grounding exercise (playing pretend) but it neatly sidesteps some of my core issues, to be able to chip away at them, at my leisure.

Very much like taking breaks in big social situations, to go recce the parking lot, have a smoke, take pictures, make a call, go to the loo, etc. Just to clear my head, keep my energy up. By creating a space between me & the thing? I’m able to stay far more me in the moment, than me in past patterns.
 
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