:mad::mad::mad:
Actually pissed off by entire session.
Scene One
Therapist: "Do you actually want to get better"
I feel that if she doesn't know the answer to that after two years then I have wasted my time.
Therapist: "I think you are scared of getting better"
WTF? To me this is some psychobabble.
Me: "I want to get better. It's possible I s'pose that subconsciously for some reason I don't want to get better, but I don't think so. I think I'm scared of talking about things but not scared of getting better"
Scene Two
Me: Explain at length about how for two years I've not done my job
Therapist (paraphrasing here as can't remember exactly what she said) "If that was true why would you still be there? How could no-one notice? Are you being too hard on yourself? You can't expect to be at the same level you once were. Concentrate on what you can do, not what you can't"
Me: I've gotten a way with it. I've covered my tracks. My manager is in another state. I'm a rep so everyone just assumes that when I'm out, I'm out doing my job. They don't think I'm home in bed. And I don't correct them.
Therapist: And what? You don't have to account for your whereabouts? Submit reports?
Me: Actually it's pretty lax and I've fudged where I've had too.
It was like she didn't believe me. Or that she thought I was being a perfectionist and exaggerating it. I so wish I was.
Scene Three
My therapist does this exercise nearly every week which I hate with a passion which involves me saying what I was pleased about this week.
Last week, she requested I purchase a new journal simply for recording what I notice that I'm pleased about during the week.
Therapist "Did you purchase a new journal"
Me "No - "
Therapist (roll of eyes) "Awakening..."
Me "No, I didn't purchase a new one because I happened to have a new one"
Therapist "And so where is it"
Me "I left it at work and haven't gone into work yet"
Therapist (barely audible) but mutters "Hmmm don't think you want to change your behaviours Awakening"
I hadn't gone into work yet, because I took a sleeping tablet that didn't work, then slept through my alarm and barely made it to my appointment with her.
And besides why do I have to write what I'm pleased about? I spend the rest of my week outside of therapy wearing a mask being positive and pleased, when I'm with her I want to talk about what I'm not pleased about. Then I have to rate it on a scale of one to ten. I'm mean really :rolleyes:
Scene Four
I was not aware of my anger at this stage but I probably was angry.
I can't remember how this goes exactly because mind left the body during it.
Therapist "Are you going to tell your parents about your uncle"
Me "Yes"
Therapist "And what are you going to say"
Me "I'm going to say that I have a weird memory about him that I'm talking to you about"
Therapist "And are you going to tell them you suspected he abused you?"
Me "No, I'm not saying that"
Therapist "Why not"
Me "Because I'm not sure of it"
So then there is this back and forth of questions, I'm saying alot of "I don't knows" and she's saying "Yes, you do know". Start giving a bunch of reasons.
I'm feeling pressured and say something like "I'm scared if I tell them he (uncle) will hurt me"
More challenges, questions from therapist, it's going very quickly, I'm getting a bit pissed off.
I start saying how it hurts me to talk about it, I'm talking pretty quick.
Therapist "So he hurt you, how did you hurt you" etc etc
Somewhere amongst all these questions I say something awful like
Me "Actually it hurts me to remember that some parts of it I think I liked, and now that I know what it was we were doing I feel disgusted in myself and that's why I don't want to tell anyone"
Therapist "Well finally Awakening. Finally. That is the first honest real statement I've heard come out of your mouth" (not sure if she meant ever or just this session)
Me crying "no, no no"
Therapist "It's actually a very common statement for abuse victims to make, that they feel shame at liking some part of it"
Me "Stop, don't, I don't want you saying it"
Therapist "Saying what? That a part of it you liked?"
Me screaming "I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS"
Then I see black, mind leaves body. I haven't passed out, but have the freak out moment. Then I'm having to describe colour of the carpet, what's in the room, start breathing deeply etc.
In Summary
I'm angry that she asked me if I want to get better. I'm angry that she didn't listen to my work worries. I'm irritated beyond belief at the tedious task of doing what pleased me. I feel disgusted at what I said in scene four and I hate her for making me say it, yet if it's going to get me out of the depths of the despair I've been in and give me my will to live back, then hell I'll even do that if I must.
As disgusted and humiliated as I am to do so, I'm posting this here as opposed to my diary because I want feedback on this -
Actually pissed off by entire session.
Scene One
Therapist: "Do you actually want to get better"
I feel that if she doesn't know the answer to that after two years then I have wasted my time.
Therapist: "I think you are scared of getting better"
WTF? To me this is some psychobabble.
Me: "I want to get better. It's possible I s'pose that subconsciously for some reason I don't want to get better, but I don't think so. I think I'm scared of talking about things but not scared of getting better"
Scene Two
Me: Explain at length about how for two years I've not done my job
Therapist (paraphrasing here as can't remember exactly what she said) "If that was true why would you still be there? How could no-one notice? Are you being too hard on yourself? You can't expect to be at the same level you once were. Concentrate on what you can do, not what you can't"
Me: I've gotten a way with it. I've covered my tracks. My manager is in another state. I'm a rep so everyone just assumes that when I'm out, I'm out doing my job. They don't think I'm home in bed. And I don't correct them.
Therapist: And what? You don't have to account for your whereabouts? Submit reports?
Me: Actually it's pretty lax and I've fudged where I've had too.
It was like she didn't believe me. Or that she thought I was being a perfectionist and exaggerating it. I so wish I was.
Scene Three
My therapist does this exercise nearly every week which I hate with a passion which involves me saying what I was pleased about this week.
Last week, she requested I purchase a new journal simply for recording what I notice that I'm pleased about during the week.
Therapist "Did you purchase a new journal"
Me "No - "
Therapist (roll of eyes) "Awakening..."
Me "No, I didn't purchase a new one because I happened to have a new one"
Therapist "And so where is it"
Me "I left it at work and haven't gone into work yet"
Therapist (barely audible) but mutters "Hmmm don't think you want to change your behaviours Awakening"
I hadn't gone into work yet, because I took a sleeping tablet that didn't work, then slept through my alarm and barely made it to my appointment with her.
And besides why do I have to write what I'm pleased about? I spend the rest of my week outside of therapy wearing a mask being positive and pleased, when I'm with her I want to talk about what I'm not pleased about. Then I have to rate it on a scale of one to ten. I'm mean really :rolleyes:
Scene Four
I was not aware of my anger at this stage but I probably was angry.
I can't remember how this goes exactly because mind left the body during it.
Therapist "Are you going to tell your parents about your uncle"
Me "Yes"
Therapist "And what are you going to say"
Me "I'm going to say that I have a weird memory about him that I'm talking to you about"
Therapist "And are you going to tell them you suspected he abused you?"
Me "No, I'm not saying that"
Therapist "Why not"
Me "Because I'm not sure of it"
So then there is this back and forth of questions, I'm saying alot of "I don't knows" and she's saying "Yes, you do know". Start giving a bunch of reasons.
I'm feeling pressured and say something like "I'm scared if I tell them he (uncle) will hurt me"
More challenges, questions from therapist, it's going very quickly, I'm getting a bit pissed off.
I start saying how it hurts me to talk about it, I'm talking pretty quick.
Therapist "So he hurt you, how did you hurt you" etc etc
Somewhere amongst all these questions I say something awful like
Me "Actually it hurts me to remember that some parts of it I think I liked, and now that I know what it was we were doing I feel disgusted in myself and that's why I don't want to tell anyone"
Therapist "Well finally Awakening. Finally. That is the first honest real statement I've heard come out of your mouth" (not sure if she meant ever or just this session)
Me crying "no, no no"
Therapist "It's actually a very common statement for abuse victims to make, that they feel shame at liking some part of it"
Me "Stop, don't, I don't want you saying it"
Therapist "Saying what? That a part of it you liked?"
Me screaming "I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS"
Then I see black, mind leaves body. I haven't passed out, but have the freak out moment. Then I'm having to describe colour of the carpet, what's in the room, start breathing deeply etc.
In Summary
I'm angry that she asked me if I want to get better. I'm angry that she didn't listen to my work worries. I'm irritated beyond belief at the tedious task of doing what pleased me. I feel disgusted at what I said in scene four and I hate her for making me say it, yet if it's going to get me out of the depths of the despair I've been in and give me my will to live back, then hell I'll even do that if I must.
As disgusted and humiliated as I am to do so, I'm posting this here as opposed to my diary because I want feedback on this -
- I've been extremely depressed lately and I don't want to go to work anymore (or do anything basically) but I feel she completely missed that. I felt like she was saying that I'm keeping myself 'unwell' and that she has not acknowledged just how much I'm suffering, and have been for a long time. I feel she thinks I'm exaggerating it.
- Or has she deliberately attempted to piss me off in order to get me to 'confess' like I did in Scene Four?