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Angry at my mother suddenly, when hearing her voice on the phone. how do i stop being angry?

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by littleoc, Jun 14, 2018.

  1. littleoc

    littleoc Making everywhere I go a better place Premium Member Donated

    This is really distressing me.

    I have no idea what could have caused it, but suddenly being on the phone with my mom is making me incredibly anxious and even angry.

    I need to not have this happen, because poor lady will be hurt, and also because I am still a kid and I really need her support. And I'll be hanging out with her this coming week because my twin brother is getting married and I'm getting braces.

    Background (whatever I can think up for now):
    I noticed it at first last night, when I called my mom during what I'm guessing was a mild anxiety problem. I noticed a large, hard lump on my service dog's chest and was scared. I didn't know what to do, and didn't want to alarm my dog either, so I called my mom. I am sure I sounded calm and not too freaked out, but I was just blurting things out in a way I don't usually. Right after my hello, instead of our typical joking around of "do I know you" (we're serious less than 12% of the time) I asked if she might be able to drive for like two hours to get me, two hours home, then take me to the vet. My dog has not yet had her yearly physical, so that would have to happen as well. My mom sounded a bit upset, which might have triggered something that I'll get to in a minute.

    She was having troubles hearing me on the phone, and was hanging out with her grandson so wasn't paying attention to me completely, so it's very possible she missed cues. (He is two years old, so it is not rude that she wasn't paying attention to me. Plus she had ice cream and ice cream melts.) So after we got done with that conversation, she brought up that she had a question about my cockatiel. Apparently all her head feathers are in a knot and she described her as quiet and depressed.

    In my mindset, I immediately started assuming the worst and could not get myself to calm down even after I got myself to be logical about it again. I miss this bird so much. (I am living in a place where it would be extremely unsafe to have her, so she is living with my mother right now, and I'm sure that's making her stressed.)

    That's when I first noticed it. After that call I called several friends to come over because I felt awful and didn't want to stress out my dog. Even though she's trained for that, but still.

    It happened again today that I called her and I was immediately feeling extremely anxious. It distressed me instantly. She was trying to tell me about her day (that her laptop might have been sabotaged by the company she's working for) and I ended up ending the phone call. Am working on the issue currently because I have doubts but don't want to say she's completely wrong until I know. I have a friend who will know based off the information I give how likely it was, so it's not exactly me having to do anything. And I don't have to. I could completely ignore it.

    In my trauma diary, though, I've been discussing how my mother failed to rescue me from retraumatization, and then from more trauma. Long version made incredibly short:
    • I did not get mothered by my mom. I was not allowed to spend time with her. I grew up on the affection of siblings and cats.
    • storms destroyed my county (tornadoes) and my mother was not allowed to be there for me emotionally. When it stormed before then, and after then, I was not allowed to go to her for comfort. My father would get jealous.
    • my mom allowed my sister to lead cleaning the house (hoarded mess my dad left behind), but she [sister] became way too controlling and seemed to take the place of my dad (in my mind; dad had used cleaning as punishment. Sister worked us with no breaks until I broke). Resulted in the death of some of my beloved pets (because my sister didn't understand why I liked them), getting rid of some pets I thought were my responsibility to "someone with a license" (only to find them all in my dad's no-animal-allowed apartment when I was forced to visit him later that year), me being moved into a garage that was not part of the house by my sister, and during none of that did my mom do anything to protect anyone. Just said my sister was an adult and could do whatever she wanted to. Said I was overreacting, even when I complained that I could hear them talking about me negatively outside, because the garage had no insulation. My mother even participated in the bullying, saying that nothing got done with me, my twin, or my little brother, despite us working for hours on end with no break. My mother did not help clean.
    • when I broke finally I was involuntarily put into a mental hospital by a caring, worried doctor, where I was life-threateningly abused and watched other patients get abused. Saw one take out his own eye in a panic. Nurses prevented us from getting outside help, had weird rules that prevented other staff from knowing. I tried to tell my mom in a coded message over the phone that I was scared and she misunderstood it and thought I was talking about just my sister. Told me my sister was doing the best she could. I was not in a place where it was okay to react. My mom sounded really concerned.
    • When I got back home, family treated me like I was a problem. Blamed the house not getting cleaned on me. It is now worse than it ever has been. When I tried to tell my mom what had happened in the hospital, she showed no concern and just said, "You should have told me that before they sued me" despite the fact that I had previously given her advice to at least answer the calls from the hospital or debt collector or else she would get sued. She had laughed at that.
    • She also did not believe me when I told her that my little brother cutting himself needed to be addressed. She told me his last therapist had said that he no longer needed therapy, and I was just a kid. Not a professional. Lead to another trauma that is still haunting me, when, as I had described would happen to my mom, my little brother cut too deep on accident and needed to be taken to the emergency room. I had to put my basic training to work to help him.
    • she believed my brother-in-law, my sister's husband, when he said that teenagers should not be trusted or shown support.
    • the only thing I ever trusted her with, I had to be forced to trust her. I was hospitalized and started outing my dad for being insane, and the staff warned me that if I kept talking, my mom would have the choice to leave him, or to stay with him and put me and my siblings into foster care. My mom had not left my dad either time he tried to kill her, and this exact problem had just happened to a bunch of my cousins that I will probably never see again, but I had no choice. Luckily it worked out.

    Every time I talk about what actions my mother took, I end up with a long list... I'm probably forgetting something, but you get the idea.

    I wasn't able to talk about the hospital thing until last week, and honestly am a bit terrified that all the comments will say I'm making it up, but this post isn't about that.

    I was not having problems with not being angry at my mom before yesterday. And she's my actually loving and caring parent, even if I don't let her because (1) affection feels bad to me now and (2) I wasn't allowed to have affection from her growing up and I have remained really uncomfortable with it. So usually I tell her a bunch of science and she listens, says she won't remember it later, and lets me keep talking. She also still buys my groceries and is willing to pay for my phone, insurance, and much more. She's extremely supportive, to the point that it has caused me some problems (that I did not tell her about, so it was not her fault).

    I don't know what to do. I can't be upset with her. First of all she'll take it out on herself, and second of all, it's inappropriate. And I need to be able to get along with her. Especially since I'll be around her soon. Her angry outbursts are very triggering to me, as is our house itself because it remains a disaster -- much worse than it was when my dad lived there, in fact.

    And I'm very frustrated because I just called her two hours ago to cancel going over there because I can't go home too often, and then got so caught up with all of this that I haven't done anything I was planning to do. I have an application to finish tonight, for instance... but need to start getting ready for bed in fifteen minutes.

    I'm considering just taking a bunch of hydrooxyzine (by a bunch I mean my prescribed doses) to try to relax.

    Do you have any thoughts on how to relax? Can someone tell me how to think of this so I can calm down? I mean, try to. I'm sure I'm viewing this all wrong. I'm feeling ungrateful for what she has tried to do for me but I can't stop being anxious and angry when I try to talk to her over the phone.

    Thank you for stopping by, even if you don't have anything to say here.
    Sietz and MrMoonlight like this.
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  3. Freida

    Freida Been There, Done That, Lived to Tell the Story Premium Member

    oh hun. Oh hun. Ok...I'm trying to be supportive...truly. But it's kind of tough because the mom you are describing? The one you don't want to upset? Is the same mom who allowed all those horrible things to happen to you. Reading thru this post it's almost like you are talking about two different people - which makes me wonder if you are trying to convince yourself she's not as bad as you know she is???

    Do you think maybe you are finally allowing yourself to be angry with her? It would make sense, especially because you have had a chance to get a little bit of distance from her. And you've been doing such hard work on trying to sort this all out, maybe part of you feels ready to deal with being angry with her over her role in your abuse? Because not doing anything to stop it is just as bad as being the person who does it.
    This seems pretty big - maybe a turning point? I'm thinking it might be a good time to call to your T and try to at least touch base before you head home. Is there anywhere else you can stay when you go to the wedding? Or maybe shorten the time you will be there?

    I'm so sorry all this is coming up for you now -- what bad timing...:hug:
    somerandomguy and littleoc like this.
  4. Sietz

    Sietz I'm a VIP

    Hope you're feeling better now.

    I don't have much to say, except I understand and empathize.

    You'll reach a place where all those triggers will diminish in strength.

    I'm going to take a leap of faith and say the trigger was talking about all that stuff in your diary, and not being able to talk to your mom about it.

    I get the two people thing @Freida said, but I want to add that one person has multiple facets to them and things are not so black and white. I don't think your mom is a bad person, probably not the best supportive mom in the whole world while you were growing up and has her own crap to deal with. Her crap is not your responsibility though. Don't carry that weight around.

    If you need to talk to her, talk to her.

    And I think getting anxious is perfectly natural under the circumstances.
    somerandomguy, littleoc and Freida like this.
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