Angry beyond words

Justmehere

Sponsor
I am so angry. I am not even sure why. I think I got triggered by a text. The problem is that I'm now angry about all things under the sun. I'm taking it out on myself.

I don't know how to get out of this place. I'm so angry I could take a sledgehammer to everything and threatened to destroy my own property instead of have anyone attempt to argue with me about it. There is an object, of a car, that is a trigger. I was harmed for two years over it. Just won a case in court have the asshole hurting me removed from my life and now everyone is telling me what to do with the object he used to stalk me over and I seriously am losing it. I tried no. I tried walking away from conversations and contact to hold the boundary I will not discuss it. People started to shut up about it.

Someone mentioned it today.

I told several people this is what I'm doing. I'm getting a sledgehammer and going to destroy it into a big mess so no one can ever again tell me what to do about this car. I spent two years getting death threats and worse over this car and I'm so effing done.

I genuinely hate the object. Because I hated the abuse. But I was trying to sell it. Now? I'm like eff it all.

Someone started to argue about my printer. So I said okay the printer gets destroyed too. Got more complaints of everything else I'm handling wrong? Line it up so I can smash it so no one ever gives me hell about it again. Let's get it destroyed. I will destroy everything I own faster than I will ever listen to any more arguments about what I do with my things in my home where I live alone.

Yeah so I'm losing it.

Seriously want to do it even hours later.

That's how angry I am.

This is not like me, but in this moment, this is me. I'm saying this. I haven't bought the sledgehammer but I'm pretty sure I'm angry enough I could just take anything to this, kick the crap out of things...

This is right or flight. My therapist suggesting I feel the feeling more is a not good idea. I would probably do myself in if it do that.

Deep breathing isn't cutting it. Any suggestions?
 
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Freddyt

MyPTSD Pro
1. Rhythm and exercise/burning it off.
2. Channelling anger (NOT with a bat on the car, that hurts you too.) Get a ball you can chuck at the car without hurting it?
3. Cold Water/shock.

I know at certain stages and certain levels of stress I can get to that dysregulation point faster. It also seems that in unguarded moments (like waking) emotions can flash to that level very quickly.
That's why I like multiple methods. When you can - pull it back. If not, get away, get rhythm, burn it out or shock it, and then go back and deal with whatever.
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
Well @Justmehere my dad used to say a puching bag. Others have suggested buying cheap plates, throwing them against a wall. Screaming in that car or any other might help. Even writing here. Or in the vent thread.

But, I do know this: I know you've said before you have tried everything and not been heard- you've been heard in the biggest of ways now, and won your case. It WILL eventually become a memory (someone said to me once, "Who are these people? And what do they have to do with your life today?" And to "guard your (my) heart".) And fwiw, I'm really in awe of your courage despite opposition, fear and exhaustion. It is your car, and yours to do with as you want. Including smashing it to bits. But if you could use the cash for anything, or need the car tomorrow, you will have sweeter revenge and make your life easier in some ways to cash it out. But, you might even benefit more from destroying it, not for me to say. Better to destroy a car than yourself. You deserve the verdict you got in your favor. Comments from everyone else are like the saying 'empty kettles make the most noise'. Without their comments how were you coping? (Even a positive verdict is very stressful, anyone would need to decompress}. I know myself and many here express we overthink things, and then the triggers loop, whereas often other people just think, ~great, case closed. Maybe we have to learn too from their attitude, a re-framing of sorts. Because right now it sounds like a stress overload. So whatever reduces stress, especially in ways not harmful to you, might help a lot. Far as the people talking goes, they will soon enough get talking about something and someone else. And you can still choose to do what is best for you, in the short term and long. On your terms.

Ignore if not helpful. I hope you feel much, much better very soon. Hugs , tlc and rest also to you.
 
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arfie

MyPTSD Pro
anger channeling.

i've repressed enough anger in my broken life that getting angry about one thing has a way of triggering deep pools of repressed anger. the specifics of that repressed anger are so diverse and deeply repressed that identifying those specifics feels like following a specific breeze through a hurricane. channeling that anger, unquestioned, into an activity that allows me to let 'er rip into a safe activity which harms no one has a cathartic release i have yet to experience another way.

i know nothing about the circumstances surrounding that car, but giving in to that urge to take a sledge hammer to it might not be such a bad idea. it would be a terrifical anger channel. anger channels i have used include demolition of household furniture and appliances i needed to get rid of, anyway.
 

Teasel

MyPTSD Pro
If you can, and quite possibly you can't -

Drop the story, Go to the body
So, notice the feeling rather than being it
Notice it with curiosity
Notice where you feel it in the body
Notice thoughts you have about all this, but don't invite them in for tea
Notice I'm having a thought that... I want to smash the car for eg
Then let it go, take your focus off the thought, and put it on your body. Over n over again.

Quite possibly impossible with such a strong emotion I know
Hope you feel better soon
 

Justmehere

Sponsor
I emailed my new therapist to ask for options. She gave one of a clinic that sometimes has walk in appointments. I explained I had already gone to that clinic for walk in services and they denied to do an intake. She then said but if you go to (the clinic's address) they will do an assessment.... the very address for the clinic I had gone to and told her I had gone to. There's only one location. It's not like there was confusion over locations. She straight up just didn't even think I knew the address of where I went?! She asked what I needed and I said one hour of no one arguing with me. She replied to ask me, "okay but what do you really need right now as support."

AN HOUR OF BEING LEFT ALONE.

She then demanded to know what people would come be with me. ?!? I want an hour alone of speaking to no one. And she can't even respect no.

I told her this is fantastic I really needed a therapist to argue with me about how stupid I am to not know an address of where I already went. Then I hung up. Nothing good was going to come out of my mouth. Nothing good was said by me anyhow. Hanging up seemed like the best option to stop me from further speaking to her. I am trying to not email her that I quit. She's fine as a therapist I guess in sessions. I dunno. Just seems like I am not in the frame of mind to be making decisions like quitting.
 

Justmehere

Sponsor
I don't know how to handle being humiliated and being told I'm wrong on so much. Like a few corrections fine but this level? No one will tell me why they feel such freedom to keep challenging everything I say. Therapist called again and I screamed at her to not keep calling me. I blocked her number.

1. Rhythm and exercise/burning it off.
2. Channelling anger (NOT with a bat on the car, that hurts you too.) Get a ball you can chuck at the car without hurting it?
3. Cold Water/shock.
Good ideas. I think the cold water/shock would help. I will go jump into a cold shower shortly.
Is swimming still helpful?
Usually, yeah... I'm so over the edge I am afraid to be in public. I almost flipped last night in public. People noticed I was holding myself back and angry. Shit. I can't afford that in my life. I am so embarrassed. And I'm pretty sure one little thing, even a credit card mis-read and I don't think I could handle it. So no swimming until I'm calm enough to walk in the door. But it's a good idea.
Maybe we have to learn too from their attitude, a re-framing of sorts. Because right now it sounds like a stress overload. So whatever reduces stress, especially in ways not harmful to you, might help a lot. Far as the people talking goes, they will soon enough get talking about something and someone else. And you can still choose to do what is best for you, in the short term and long. On your terms.
This is a good idea. If I could re-frame what is happening or triggering me... I need to get outside of it a bit. Get distance.
i know nothing about the circumstances surrounding that car, but giving in to that urge to take a sledge hammer to it might not be such a bad idea. it would be a terrifical anger channel. anger channels i have used include demolition of household furniture and appliances i needed to get rid of, anyway.
Yeah... maybe it would actually help.
So, notice the feeling rather than being it
I need to do this. Get distance from the feeling. Try to see it as just a body sensation right now. Let it go on by.

I start to get there then someone speaks and I'm back to eff it all. I don't even understand what is wrong with me right now. I don't want to be this person.
 

Freddyt

MyPTSD Pro
If that object is bringing all that stress, why not advertise it somewhere not near at a really good price for the buyer. Then it and all that goes with it is gone. Or look for someone who will sell it on consignment?
 

Justmehere

Sponsor
Yeah, that's the plan. It's posted. I want it gone. I'm not sure it solves the problem. It eliminates that trigger... but it is somehow now... like I asked a city employee to not email me due to concerns my email was hacked and they tried to debate and argue it. I replied, "I told you no. That is my final answer. You are blocked from my email account. I will not get any emails you send. Email will not be the way you communicate with me."

I was ready to fight a bear.

What am I doing wrong? Ugh.
 

Justmehere

Sponsor
The therapist, actually an intern therapist, had her boss, not a crisis worker, show up at stop a work - during a training I was running. She has someone with her filming doing it. I'm not making this up. Therapist agreed to leave me alone today and agreed that I was safe and 6 hours later she has her boss stopping a work training... I had security escort her out.

I quit therapy, asked for every option to file every complaint, and will try to block her pending licensure. It will fail but I will feel better making a record of what she did today.

I proceeded to go home and tried to break my arm. My arm is not broken but it looks like shit. I don't need medical care.

I am beyond words angry all over again.

I don't get to have boundaries and say no and just be left alone. I called the on call doctor and he demanded to know why I didn't have better mental health care and talked down to me and I hung up.

I don't have words.
 
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