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Angry, sad, intolerant of most everything

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Most days, I get up and drag myself through the day, working during the week from home and often doing some sort of volunteer work and going to school in my off time. Unless I'm engaging with my cats, I am very unhappy. I'm living mostly just to get through life until I die.

Some days, though, I'm a mix of intense, anxiety, anger at everyone, and deeply sad. That usually manifests as frustration with and intolerance for people, a lot of physical tension, and bouts of tears.

Today was a bad day. I'm scheduled to have outpatient surgery in May, and they called me today to tell me I had to pay everything upfront, a week in advance. I've been trying to get a forwarding order from the post office straightened out since October, and I talked to them today and none of our conversations were showing up anywhere (and my mail is still be forwarded elsewhere). My one cat won't eat, my final is due this week in the class I'm taking, and one of the women I volunteer with has been on my back for days about a newsletter I need to get out, but she keeps changing things in it.

The medical stuff is the worst. Today's stuff just triggered all the other issues I've had with the healthcare system, and it just adds to everything else that has been so hard to manage.

Mostly just venting, but would be happy to hear if anyone else struggles with this (and if you have ideas to ease things any).
vent on, good buddy, vent on. i believe the venting helps me focus which parts really matter and blow off the parts that aren't worth worrying about.

i'm in the midst of a series of dental procedures. i don't know which hands i want to bite harder, the ones pushing the pencils or the ones doing mean things in my mouth. gnarl, gnarl, gnash, gnash. . . do i sit and cry, scream and run.? ?? have a knuckle sandwich? ? ? sigh. . . oh yeah. . . one needs teeth to bite.

i'm reminding myself to take it in itsy bitsy baby steps. one tantrum at a time. . .
I love the word 'agitation'. For me, it encapsulates a sort of restless, angry, misery. When I'm depressed, all my energy gets sapped fro me, and I can lie there and stare at the ceiling in a flatline of sadness.

But when I'm agitated, it's like all the misery is there, but it's wide awake. It's balled up in fists in the tips of my fingers and blowing general horribleness towards everyone and everything around me. Something akin to a misery-tornado.

That's agitation for me.

And it can be caused by so many different things: sleep, nutrition, meds, triggers, stressors. It can be biological, environmental or just plain unknowable.

If I haven't missed a dose of meds, been eating poorly, if my routine hasn't changed? It requires a bit of a mental health detox. Hitting reset on all those fundamentals, for a few days.

And, almost by necessity, apologising in advance to the people around me, and suggesting they keep a safe distance till it's passed.
That's agitation for me.
Oh, yeah. That's the word I was looking for. And your description sounds very familiar.

Something akin to a misery-tornado.
This is such a perfect way to phrase it!

Hitting reset - that reminds me that when I can get a couple of days with no responsibilities, I do better. That's been impossible lately. I need to start figuring out how I can do that again.
More...agitation--yeah, we'll go with that, although it really borders more on intense rage...today, this time with the pharmacy at a local store. I wonder how someone who didn't struggle with the symptoms of depression or PTSDS would deal with this.

I started going to this pharmacy because the last one gave me three bottles of meds that were not mine (I then had that patient's name, address, med she was taking, and doctor's name 😳). In April of last year, I was on Medicaid, and I gave them that info. In September I got insurance. I tried to cancel the Medicaid, but it has taken me nearly 6 months to accomplish that. I took my insurance card to the store, gave them the new info, and asked them to remove the Medicaid. In January, I took my new card and gave them updated info. They said then that the Medicaid was no longer on the account. Good.

Today, I picked up meds and happened to notice it was billed to Medicaid. 😡😡😡 I called, they input my insurance card, said it was invalid, and hung up. I called the insurance co., that said my card was active. They even called the pharmacy, had them set it up and remove the Medicaid. Said the tech was rude and abrupt, so I might want to verify. I contacted them again and was told my insurance was listed as Medicaid.

To keep a very long and frustrating story shorter, I contacted or was transferred to the company's employees and told my story 8 more times. I am currently awaiting a call from a "coordinator" in my area - I mean, who knows at this point?!?

I have been extremely angry and, at the end of my last call, near tears. I'm calmer now, but just filled with sadness. It's so hard to find anyone in healthcare who gives a shit. And I guess I'm tired of feeling like I don't matter.
Whenever I’ve got a narrow window of acceptance, I know it’s a me-thing.. it’s also a test. Will “now” work? If not? Why not?
I don’t know if this is the same thing, but I get frustrated not with people I know but with public figures, those who choose to put themselves into the public sphere.

This could just be because there are few people in my personal sphere, but I don’t take things out on those that are. My frustration with “what the world is doing” though can spike and I do take it out on “them”. Is that weird?

I assume it’s all linked to my too-narrow window of tolerance, but I find my ability to bifurcate like that odd. Easy control in one area but out of control in another, at the same time.

Now that I write that, maybe it’s not odd. My diagnosis was the new subform of dissociative PTSD so it may just be the way that expresses itself, not as alters but not wholly me either.

what I do for it is heap compassion on myself. My inner critic has to be starved of fuel for me to remember I am worthy to be here too, just as I am.
More of this. Omg...I want to scream and break things. I try so hard to trust people, to believe that they know what they're talking about and have my best interest at heart, but it's simply not true. And the system? It's meant to break you. Meant to make things as hard as possible and to drain you of whatever you have--money, emotions--at the highest profit possible.

I want to f*cking quit. I'm tired of all of this. And I just can't manage it anymore.
I know the exact feeling you're talking about it, is almost like it's own emotion and I been feeling it in long multi day episodes for over a week now because something happened that really set me off quite a bit. It gets difficult to do anything involving people and I need a lot more alone time, unfortunately my job does not care about how I feel as long as I show up and do it which I still knowing it's just a phase do my best at, The other day was a close one, I almost due to a stupid situation almost blew up on someone when they wanted to start a pointless argument about something. It becomes quite a balancing act, during the storm I just stay as sheltered as I can while still moving on with things. I gotta take that hit to an extent with the isolation, otherwise I get too overwhelmed. Now that warmer, comfier weather is coming soon and I'm outside more often socially conditioning myself to be around people more often is much easier. I use every day experiences and small slices of interaction I get with others casually to do this usually.
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