Angry with the men I sleep with. . .why?

LittleBigFoot

Confident
One day I want the happy home and picket fence.

Until then- no man measures up. Oh I have plenty of crushes, but as soon as they show interest in me? I hate them. Because how could they? Is it pity? Do they see the stamp on my forehead that says I’m the victim and they get their rocks off to it?

Especially if we get close enough for them to learn anything deeper about me then still have interest in me? I really f*cking hate them because in my head they equate to pedophiles because they *know* and want me anyway.

If they don’t want me? Then I definitely want to pursue them and I do. Doesn’t matter if I actually like the person or not. Most I don’t like at all, but I will do just about anything to sleep with them anyway. But once they agree? Not interested in pursuing any longer but do it anyway because now I feel obligated to fulfill my duty.

Then of course the sex happens and I generally hate them. But they feel like they’re on top of the world with how I actually treat them, they’ll never hear a complaint from me, I will make sure they feel like they are absolute kings.

At this point one of two things happens. Either i ghost them, or I push closer to them and share my story. Part of it anyway, no way in f*ck are any of them learning everything. Most are very supportive and actually have really decent responses. Inevitably, eventually, the conversation turns back to sex and I immediately loathe them. Despise them. Think they are obviously pedophiles who are getting off on my stories and pretending I’m a child when they’re with me. But I let things continue until I’m finally done and ghost.

There’s one who I haven’t quite ghosted because I still feel a sick sense of obligation to him and he by now knows more than most. So things stay status quo with us but I can’t think of an adequate word for the amount of anger and hate I hold towards him. Ironically he started as one of the only people who I was able to actually be present in the room with the entire time because he treated me that damn well. He still does. Calls me his favorite all the time. And everytime I think of him I’m so disgusted with him for still being here.


What the hell kind of wires got crossed?
 

grit

MyPTSD Pro
I wonder @LittleBigFoot if you could recognize that your internal objectification of him versus the actual person and try to cognitively articulate that what you think of him and who is he is are two different things.
I learned the other day there was a swimmer (a diver I think) at the Olympic Tokyo who had fear of height. Imagine that. She was/is afraid of heights and she is competing for diving in the Olympics. I was so impressed the power of the mind!

We all have this split in so many ways but we all manage in our own ways - hating the boss but going to work every day. At the end, with therapy, hopefully this can be healed but for now, how do you manage to build relationship when you have intrusive thoughts opposite to your actions?
 

Freddyt

MyPTSD Pro
One of the hallmarks of PTSD is the inability to process and understand complex emotions.

A lot of sufferers of PTSD are prone to risky and impulsive behaviour.

Your prefrontal cortex that interprets complex emotions is hypo active, and when overloaded sends emotions it should process to the amygdala.

Your amygdala which processes what you prefrontal cortex does not interprets everything as fight, flight, or freeze, and is the part of your brain that forms and stores emotional memories.


So is it really that you made an impulsive and risky snap decision followed by an emotional activity that has emotions you cant process properly followed by disassociation, fear, shame, and guilt that you couldn't control yourself and you would rather beat the guy up or run away rather than look at the guy afterword?

And the guy you feel "a sick sense of obligation" is in fact the guy you are looking for but instead of love and affection you feel like you want to fight or flee?
 

LittleBigFoot

Confident
So is it really that you made an impulsive and risky snap decision followed by an emotional activity that has emotions you cant process properly followed by disassociation, fear, shame, and guilt that you couldn't control yourself and you would rather beat the guy up or run away rather than look at the guy afterword?

This could very well be exactly what is happening. Thank you for breaking down with me.


And the guy you feel "a sick sense of obligation" is in fact the guy you are looking for but instead of love and affection you feel like you want to fight or flee?

This part gets tricky because I think yes and no. He has treated me a million times better than any other man and has helped me to learn how to perform certain sex acts without panicking and is really good at forcing me to stay present the whole time which is very uncomfortable but I also appreciate it and makes me feel like I owe him for his being so good to me. However, he’s happily married and we will never be anything more than occasional sex and I realize that makes me a hugely shitty person.
 

Freddyt

MyPTSD Pro
This could very well be exactly what is happening. Thank you for breaking down with me.

This part gets tricky because I think yes and no. He has treated me a million times better than any other man and has helped me to learn how to perform certain sex acts without panicking and is really good at forcing me to stay present the whole time which is very uncomfortable but I also appreciate it and makes me feel like I owe him for his being so good to me.
Married or not, he has helped you. You are not a shitty person, just a person who was given PTSD by a terrible person. From what I see you seem to be a wonderful, caring, sweet, person who wants love, intimacy, security, and needs to dump their guilt and shame.

Change that conversation with yourself. Write a list of 5 positive things like "I am an amazing person", "I take my time and make good choices.", and put it near the bathroom mirror, bedroom mirror, and kitchen sink. Read them out loud when you take a shower, brush your teeth, do the dishes, wash your hands, whatever.

Most of all take on your hyper arousal yourself. 45 years of experience say keep hyperA and intimacy far far apart. At the end of intimacy there is an explosion of emotions and hormones going on and we are easily overwhelmed, even without PTSD. It's too easy to take that overwhelmed stuff and emotions we have trouble dealing with and throw them at our partner as hate and anger. It's not what we mean to do but it's how it comes out. It was probably the most difficult thing ever to talk to my wife about. In the end it was well worth it though. She now understands why my alone time does not involve her, can't involve her, and it's not about her in any way.
 

LittleBigFoot

Confident
Married or not, he has helped you. You are not a shitty person, just a person who was given PTSD by a terrible person. From what I see you seem to be a wonderful, caring, sweet, person who wants love, intimacy, security, and needs to dump their guilt and shame.

Change that conversation with yourself. Write a list of 5 positive things like "I am an amazing person", "I take my time and make good choices.", and put it near the bathroom mirror, bedroom mirror, and kitchen sink. Read them out loud when you take a shower, brush your teeth, do the dishes, wash your hands, whatever.

Most of all take on your hyper arousal yourself. 45 years of experience say keep hyperA and intimacy far far apart. At the end of intimacy there is an explosion of emotions and hormones going on and we are easily overwhelmed, even without PTSD. It's too easy to take that overwhelmed stuff and emotions we have trouble dealing with and throw them at our partner as hate and anger. It's not what we mean to do but it's how it comes out. It was probably the most difficult thing ever to talk to my wife about. In the end it was well worth it though. She now understands why my alone time does not involve her, can't involve her, and it's not about her in any way.

Thank you for this. I need to think on it for a bit.
 

LittleBigFoot

Confident
Married or not, he has helped you

Ya, he really has. And I don’t know if I would say I love him for that, but there’s definitely a certain fondness/respect born of it. But, at the same time there’s this disgust because I’ve shared some of what I’ve been through with him and then the fact that he still wants me after just flips a switch in my head that I’m not sure how to best explain. Because I *know* he’s not a bad person, but I convince myself he is just because he wants me.
From what I see you seem to be a wonderful, caring, sweet, person who wants love, intimacy, security, and needs to dump their guilt and shame
I really don’t know how to respond to this. First, you are the biggest sweetheart for saying these things. But my instinct is to be like no, I’m the furthest from any of this and I really really do not deserve any kind of praise.

The affirmations, I had a T who tried to get me to do them and while I definitely think they have value and I should, man they are hard. I never thought they would be as hard as they are but shit.

Thank you by the way for listening to my craziness here. I know it’s not how I should be viewing men.
 

Freddyt

MyPTSD Pro
I really don’t know how to respond to this. First, you are the biggest sweetheart for saying these things. But my instinct is to be like no, I’m the furthest from any of this and I really really do not deserve any kind of praise.
Don't want this taken the wrong way....sorry it may be a little....creepy.

Stems from the best marriage advice I ever got - never say bad things about her in front of anyone. It's advances to where I never say bad things about her - ever. Now its a habit.

That and I read about SA and CSA on here and it breaks my heart. Seeing people rise above that and work on healing is amazing, and they are amazing people. You are an amazing person too @LittleBigFoot, whether you can proclaim it or not.
 

grief

Sponsor
And everytime I think of him I’m so disgusted with him for still being here.
i think you're disgusted at your self and you are projected it onto him. that is kind of what it sounds like.

when the self loathing gets to be so severe that it effects every thing around you. i use to do the same thing with my husband. he is lying to me! when he tells me he loves me. how could he love me?! he's just placating me. that's not real. no one could ever love me. and blah blah blah.

i'm glad that i only did that in my head, because it is very obvious to me now, that he isn't lying. it just takes time. and consistency. there is nothing wrong with him for liking me. he just does! i don't necesserily under stand why that is, but that's okay. i can just be grateful that he does.
 
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