Goldballoon
New Here
I've been seeing my therapist weekly for 9 months. I feel angry with him for a number of reasons and I don't know if I am being unreasonable, if this is transference, if this is a stage in therapy that was inevitable, if this is what is meant by "rupture"?
Therapy is done over video link. He has a habit of reading notifications or messages or something on his phone while I am talking. I can see him focus on this and then I feel distracted and upset about this and I go quiet while I wait for him to bring his attention back to me, sometimes feels like he has to drag his attention back. I don't want to have a conflict or have to pull him up on how to do his job properly. Last session I was in a particularly depressed mood and I fell silent, he asked what is on my mind - I said I can see you doing something off-screen and it distracted me. He was a bit abashed and said - I'm not doing anything off-screen, I just touch my phone sometimes to see the time. In my head I just thought "Liar", but then I changed the subject as I had his attention after that anyway. Feel like he was gas lighting me a bit there. It takes a second to check the time, I know he is doing more that just checking the time. Isn't the first 'rule' of therapy to at least be present with your patient?
I asked for his opinion on whether I have avoidant personality disorder. I have been reading about this pd and I really identify with a lot of the traits, I can see I have this pattern of behaviour across all areas of my life. His response was to ask why I am interested in this question, and then to give me his opinion that he doesn't think its helpful to label people with diagnoses such as this. Evaded the question of the ways in which the diagnosis does fit, or the traits which do apply to me. When I read the criteria, I feel angry with him as I think - I've been talking to you for eight months and actually you don't know how this criteria fits as we haven't talked in detail about all these aspects of my life - he hasn't asked questions or shown interest in these areas of my life, so his knowledge is limited. I think diagnoses are useful - you can relate to them, relate to others who have that diagnosis, find material to understand better what is going on with you, understand what treatment methods might work for you?
I sought him out as he is certified in Mentalisation Based Therapy and I listened to an inspiring radio programme about this treatment method. He is also psycho-dynamically trained. I've always struggled with knowing what I'm supposed to talk about in these sessions. I feel like he is following an mbt strategy of focusing on issues in present relationships. I dated someone for a couple of months and therapy seemed easy in this period as I could bring my anxiety and insecurity about the relationship to the sessions and he could calm me and help me think about things from different perspectives. But now I am back to being single and quite isolated in my life - no ongoing relationship conflicts to bring to sessions so not sure what to bring to sessions. We never discussed what we would cover in sessions, but I feel like he got some information about my relationship with my parents - aloholism, emotional neglect, pattern of me just listening and absorbing whatever was going on or of interest to other people in my family - and then has lost interest or feels that bit is figured out now. I told him early on that I wanted to have a more coherent understanding of my past as my memories are so vague, when I said I remember so little - he suggested writing things out in a journal to spark memories. But I thought, but that is what I have come to therapy for, because I don't want to just write things in a journal anymore? I feel like he has taken an mbt approach and not a psychoanalytical approach, but we never discussed that, I've always felt confused by lack of structure, and not knowing what is supposed to be happening or what I'm allowed to talk about.
I wish that he would explain more to me, I also wish he would discuss how our relationship is going and how I feel things are going, that stuff just isn't on the table so I don't feel comfortable bringing any of this up. I feel like I've just been trying to be "good" and guess the right way to do things but not really knowing how. And I still feel so inhibited when speaking with him, there's so much I don't feel comfortable discussing or bringing up, and generally my inhibition feels high and trust low, considering I've been talking to him for so long. Whereas I know you should feel comfortable discussing anything with your therapist. I just feel like he hasn't been actively trying to help me heal and think about my behaviours and who I am - just feels like he's taken a laid back approach to responding to whatever I bring up during a session. I feel like I need a bit more direction than that.
I presume I should discuss all this with him but I just don't know where I would start, I'm afraid of conflict and I feel inhibited. I would like to hear that this is somehow positive and if it's worked through then things will be better as a result. Have I just knocked him off a pedestal I had him on and now I feel crushed and am being overly judgemental and critical and externalising blame for why I feel so bad lately? It's all very confusing.
Any thoughts are very much appreciated, thank you.
Therapy is done over video link. He has a habit of reading notifications or messages or something on his phone while I am talking. I can see him focus on this and then I feel distracted and upset about this and I go quiet while I wait for him to bring his attention back to me, sometimes feels like he has to drag his attention back. I don't want to have a conflict or have to pull him up on how to do his job properly. Last session I was in a particularly depressed mood and I fell silent, he asked what is on my mind - I said I can see you doing something off-screen and it distracted me. He was a bit abashed and said - I'm not doing anything off-screen, I just touch my phone sometimes to see the time. In my head I just thought "Liar", but then I changed the subject as I had his attention after that anyway. Feel like he was gas lighting me a bit there. It takes a second to check the time, I know he is doing more that just checking the time. Isn't the first 'rule' of therapy to at least be present with your patient?
I asked for his opinion on whether I have avoidant personality disorder. I have been reading about this pd and I really identify with a lot of the traits, I can see I have this pattern of behaviour across all areas of my life. His response was to ask why I am interested in this question, and then to give me his opinion that he doesn't think its helpful to label people with diagnoses such as this. Evaded the question of the ways in which the diagnosis does fit, or the traits which do apply to me. When I read the criteria, I feel angry with him as I think - I've been talking to you for eight months and actually you don't know how this criteria fits as we haven't talked in detail about all these aspects of my life - he hasn't asked questions or shown interest in these areas of my life, so his knowledge is limited. I think diagnoses are useful - you can relate to them, relate to others who have that diagnosis, find material to understand better what is going on with you, understand what treatment methods might work for you?
I sought him out as he is certified in Mentalisation Based Therapy and I listened to an inspiring radio programme about this treatment method. He is also psycho-dynamically trained. I've always struggled with knowing what I'm supposed to talk about in these sessions. I feel like he is following an mbt strategy of focusing on issues in present relationships. I dated someone for a couple of months and therapy seemed easy in this period as I could bring my anxiety and insecurity about the relationship to the sessions and he could calm me and help me think about things from different perspectives. But now I am back to being single and quite isolated in my life - no ongoing relationship conflicts to bring to sessions so not sure what to bring to sessions. We never discussed what we would cover in sessions, but I feel like he got some information about my relationship with my parents - aloholism, emotional neglect, pattern of me just listening and absorbing whatever was going on or of interest to other people in my family - and then has lost interest or feels that bit is figured out now. I told him early on that I wanted to have a more coherent understanding of my past as my memories are so vague, when I said I remember so little - he suggested writing things out in a journal to spark memories. But I thought, but that is what I have come to therapy for, because I don't want to just write things in a journal anymore? I feel like he has taken an mbt approach and not a psychoanalytical approach, but we never discussed that, I've always felt confused by lack of structure, and not knowing what is supposed to be happening or what I'm allowed to talk about.
I wish that he would explain more to me, I also wish he would discuss how our relationship is going and how I feel things are going, that stuff just isn't on the table so I don't feel comfortable bringing any of this up. I feel like I've just been trying to be "good" and guess the right way to do things but not really knowing how. And I still feel so inhibited when speaking with him, there's so much I don't feel comfortable discussing or bringing up, and generally my inhibition feels high and trust low, considering I've been talking to him for so long. Whereas I know you should feel comfortable discussing anything with your therapist. I just feel like he hasn't been actively trying to help me heal and think about my behaviours and who I am - just feels like he's taken a laid back approach to responding to whatever I bring up during a session. I feel like I need a bit more direction than that.
I presume I should discuss all this with him but I just don't know where I would start, I'm afraid of conflict and I feel inhibited. I would like to hear that this is somehow positive and if it's worked through then things will be better as a result. Have I just knocked him off a pedestal I had him on and now I feel crushed and am being overly judgemental and critical and externalising blame for why I feel so bad lately? It's all very confusing.
Any thoughts are very much appreciated, thank you.