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Annihilation Anxiety???

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shimmerz

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I came across a thread this morning that referenced a term which I hadn't heard used, but can very much relate to. It is called, as the title suggests, Annihilation Anxiety. Apparently it is not the type of anxiety that leads to the fight, flight, freeze, fawn behaviours. It is much deeper (or so I have read). I think of myself and certain situations where something comes over me and it is so intense that I feel like I am going insane (this is apparently just one facet of this type of anxiety) and I have to be honest, I just can't find the words to describe it here. I am wondering if any of you have experience with a 'state' that is so terrifying that it feels out of this world.

From what I have read, it affects those of us who have been traumatized in our developmental stage of life (there is much talk about infant/mother stuff). Marvin Hurvich has done some research on this as has Winnicott but what I am finding, when I am googling, is high level, hard to read stuff.

My question is, does anyone have any type of experience with this kind of feeling (even though I didn't explain it well) And also, has anyone's T brought up the concept of annihilation anxiety? Enough that someone could help those of us possibly affected by it so that we can start to put words to it?
 
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I haven't finished reading that yet, but the first part looked interesting. (This thread actually came up first on the search. Wouldn't have expected that!)

I've always been a little puzzled about why attachment disorder applies only to kids. That makes it seem like if you survive to adulthood, everything's fine from then on. And I'm thinking that's not actually the case.
 
Okay, I obviously didn't write this out correctly. Please be patient with me. This is perhaps a problem with verbage. I caught onto the Annihilation Anxiety phrase from another posting and it seemed to fit, but I couldn't find much about it. The closest I came was a posting on another board about depersonalization and dissociation. Stick with me if you could.

The feeling that I am speaking about goes beyond the 4 Fs (Pete Walker). It is a feeling of becoming totally unwound. Shattered. For me it is a feeling that I am going completely insane. For others it is the fear of death. But it is beyond fear. And I don't have the capacity to use the 4F's to escape from it. So although it is an anxiety - it does not follow the fight, flight, freeze, fawn responses that are typical with anxiety.

I feel it many times when I fall asleep. It is terrifying. I have experienced it once before during real waking hours. I can't explain how it feels properly because there are NO words. And my coping mechanisms that I have learned in therapy do nothing for it.

This is maybe the best thing that I can find for now on it. I will keep coming back to this posting with more information as I find it.

Living with Terror, Working with Trauma

Chapter 3, the first part in italics seems to me to have some verbage that distinguishes it from 'panic attack and anxiety' in the context that most of the population thinks of these terms. I think the biggest marker in the text was "mortal terror and extreme psychic danger'. A feeling of impending psychic or physical destruction. The best I can come up with is a feeling of completely shattering....
 
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From the page I cited earlier.
Annihilation anxiety: Along the developmental line of anxiety, annihilation anxiety is the most primitive. It is fundamentally fear of one’s existence ending through death, disappearance, fragmentation, going “crazy”, complete loss of self, etc. Most AD children carry a heavy loading of this anxiety. This is what makes their survival and emotional experience the overarching issues they are. In attempting to avoid or soothe their anxiety, AD children typically become hypervigilant and frequently visually check in with parents, by means of a quick glance, much as toddlers do. Avoiding their annihilation anxiety altogether, which is overwhelmingly intolerable in its own right, drives AD children’s need for control and practically everything else discussed in this handout.
I found a couple of references to "annihilation anxiety" in articles about attachment disorder. They all seem to be saying this is an infants first "fear". Such as infants comprehend fear. According to the articles, the infant's reactions to feeling this fear are SUPPOSED to be met with good things from the primary care giver. (I'm in way over my head here, as far as comprehending this as a real thing and it kind of freaks me out to even think about this stuff, so I might not be very clear.)

YOU, obviously (?) wouldn't have had a sane caregiver to come across from the other side and help you out. So you never had the chance to learn coping mechanisms. At least not "normal" ones. (Not saying I have a clue what "normal coping mechanisms ARE!)
 
BTW, that piece seems to mostly deal with attachment disorder from the POV of a kid who still cares about the parent, Which is why hypervigilance leads to frequently checking on the parent. According to others, there are different ways of reacting and hypervigilance there is probably used differently.
 
Yep, read it. And I thank you for it. I am writing here (I think) to express more about how the flashbacks to????? this feeling feels. How to put words to the feeling. And I find the stuff about attachment disorder a great way to understand the theory behind it, but doesn't really address how to put words to the actual feeling (so that I can process the feeling with more upper brain resources).

So yes, the annihilation concept I get for sure. That is exactly how it feels. Like I am losing me altogether (although I don't know how to tell you how that feels to me - like what it feels like when I get up out of bed after falling into one of these .... I am going to call it an attack.) There just don't seem to be words.... and the things I am finding on the internet are more 'you have annihilation anxiety because you didn't bond properly as a kid. To me, given my situation that is obvious but not helpful for the times that I am IN the feeling or how to alleviate it.

Does that make any sense at all?
 
Yes! Totally makes sense. (And how would one have words to describe something that's usually experienced pre-verbally?)

I think "the gospel according to M" would start with suggesting the need for working from a position of more up to date and accurate information. (He should be happy. He's got me at least occasionally 'hearing' him even when he's not around. :cautious:) Not sure exactly how you'd DO that. And, does it matter how it feels? Doesn't it matter more what it IS?
 
And, does it matter how it feels? Doesn't it matter more what it IS?
No, for me at this stage in the game of healing, I understand most things theoretically. I am learning that I need to get my upper brain to go 'oh!!!!! THAT feeling! That is just about your issue with (let's say) people walking behind you! That's all good now.' Once I have said that in my head, I make myself shiver - in order to express the feeling physically. To release it.

I got to that level of awareness by putting words to the feeling. Understanding what it meant to me, not a therapist or researcher.

So this feeling of 'in ONE more second I am going to go insane if I don't stop this feeling', is one that terrifies me. Because I don't get it. I can't describe it. I can't put words to it. And I understand that I have reasons to most likely feel that way.... but I need to get my upper brain to be able to identify it. And my upper brain does that by using words.....

Just my way.
 
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