This weekend marks an anniversary. Kids involved, death of both parents, pretty horrible. My worst thing that I remember now is the huge number of spectators. Literally hundreds. They all saw the scene unfold from start to finish including me not starting on one victim and reluctantly helping on the other with my first words being "you don't have to do this anymore" to the people doing CPR. They refused to stop so I got involved by monitoring pulse while calling off the life flight helicopter crew who was busy anyway, it being labor day. After several cycles with no response I asked if they would stop when relieved by my chief who was about 10 minutes behind me, I told them I would be stopping then because I knew he would tell me to, and they agreed. I could feel the hundreds watching us, I saw others around the other corpse, I worried that they may be starting CPR over there. The first to arrive (after me) was actually our local ambulance and I knew the crew well. They went to the first victim as I had. I waited for them to get to us but they knew me and trusted me so they took their time on the first victim. I had been alone and assessed death based on visual evidence of the trauma and the only time I had taken over there was to cover with my turnout coat. It seemed like forever before they got to us and I was relieved and they started in getting the other people to stop. The entire crowd was silent when we all stood up. I had a partner when I got there, where was she? She was with the kids who were totally fine she said they didn't even have any signs of what they had been through. The second truck arrived and together we covered both bodies, the police arrived and made an arrest. Standing ovation with some muffled applause meant to taunt the killer. I heard it as, "way to go jerk"- but it was aimed at me. I might as well have been home for all the good I did. Everything that happened would have happened without me, except for the raised hopes of the masses when I forgot my training and took part in the CPR. I have lots of bad scenes in the memory banks, lots of failed CPR, I never saved anyone that way actually. The big differences for this call from all the others was the way these people died, and the place they died, and the amount of time I have spent there, before and after this call, the huge crowd, and their mass anger at the killer, sorrow for the victims and their children, and disappointment at our ineffectiveness. I would probably be able to just let this one go except that the scene is a ferry landing and I sit alone in my truck waiting for the ferry at least once a month, and I cant do that much time without thinking about it. Avoiding the ferry just makes me aware of the memory and the alternate route just means more time before I get home and on to other things. I remember thinking I would get past it without thinking about it this year, that I was almost over it, and then I was with a group of guys that had just fished that stretch of th river and the conversation turned to the history of the deaths and I got another dose last week. So, I have written this all out and it reads like I am a weak whining bad firefighter that is more concerned about the disapproval of the crowd than the deaths of the victims. I have to admit, that much disappointment carries its own momentum, but there was no way anyone would have saved those victims and I knew it, first look. It was the kids, it was the anger, it was every kind of pressure I could have felt and then, there I was, taking pulse on a victim and becoming one at the same time. I was never that involved in this call, my partner has to remember consoling those kids, not me. I didn't even touch a victim except to feel the compression pulses and search for the beats I knew werent coming. All I should have carried away from that scene was some blood on my turnouts. Delete? it was memorial day- how come we cant edit our posts?