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Anniversary of my suicide attempt creeping closer...

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pamcoco

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I am anxious, maybe even fearful. November 21, well really November 22 very early morning, will be one year since my only suicide attempt.

The date drawing closer, especially in my current circumstances, is gnawing at me. I have made plans to be around kind people in an environment totally different than last year, but still I am triggered.

The odd thing is I am not sure why it is upsetting me so. The intricacies of my thoughts and emotions about this date are a blind spot.

Is there anyone else whom has attempted suicide that might be able to shed some light for me? Have you had similar feelings and do you know what the significance is/was for you?
 
Yes. Mine is August 21, 2014. The first year anniversary I felt like I should be gone, but I'm still here. Its gotten better with time but it feels like yet another trauma. My mood goes down, feel the emotions I had around that time.
My birthday is earlier that month buy because this was such a huge event, marking it as the day I started to live again. I try to think of it as my other birthday.

After I slept off the alcohol that made it easier to decide to carry this out I decided to get sober because I was so far down that sobriety = continuing to live.

Though I'm trying to put a positive spin on it I am still chased down by the events that led up to my attempt. The good thing is all of that extra anxiety , depression, guilt etc about the attempt calms down after the anniversary.

This stuff hurts but it will eventually end. I try listening to meditations on you tube if I'm alone that day. I give myself compassion that this is hard and a struggle to get through. And if you are ok with being with people I hope it works for you.
Hugs if you accept them.
 
this was such a huge event, marking it as the day I started to live again. I try to think of it as my other birthday.

What a beautiful way to re-frame the day. I truly appreciate your post and vulnerability.

Though I'm trying to put a positive spin on it I am still chased down by the events that led up to my attempt.

I relate but wonder if you might elaborate, I would really like to know more.

Reading that hits home. It shows me that part of the fear and torture of the day is that in many ways things have not changed. In fact over the last year, at times, matters got dramatically worse. I think if I felt more obvious differences between then and now, I could feel emotional distance.

I am better, from my own healing. But the persecution that hit full swing a decade ago after the assaults, has continued to leave me shocked and re-traumatized. It has varied from basic judgment that I shouldn't have developed PTSD to all out crazy shiz like my siblings accusing me of poisoning my mother.

I long to come to peace with all of it or them, more accurately. But I am a thinker and function by making sense. There is no sense to everything that happened. Surely this includes the men that attacked me, but more importantly the disappearance and criticism by my friends and family.
 
Attempting suicide is a traumatic event. Your life is at risk. So, that by itself can cause all kinds of feelings to stir up when the date comes close, just like any other life threatening event. But suicide attempts are so much more complex because there's all the reasons why. All those powerful, awful feelings and thoughts that lead you to that place.

hmm... I was going to say more but am getting tangled up
 
Anniversaries seem to take a different weight with ptsd.

Your plans sound like really proactive, sensible ones that are kind to yourself. My therapist also counsels that anniversary dates are ‘rewarded’ with treats like a favourite meal, taking extra care of the physical self ( pampering) anything that shows self compassion and care.
 
I don't remember when, just vaguely the 2 month spread, I do remember some details, the first thought of it, and the aftermath (x2). My 'body' (or 'brain') seems to remember though, as it has taken me a long time to try to counter an inevitable tail spin this time of year, it seems. However, I don't see it as any particular date, and I think the advice of:
anything that shows self compassion and care.
is good, along with surrounding yourself with good people, and the opposite of that crazy-making stuff.

Also maybe make a new tradition, and/or just over-write the day in meaningful ways to you.

Just an idea:

Even if you don't feel particularly 'right' to still be here, you can repeat to yourself others do. Also, that you have another chance to not be deceived by ptsd lies, which say you don't have value to others or yourself, or in general, and that your life does not have meaning or impact, on them also. Because you are valuable, and unique.

:hug:
 
ETA, I was thinking about this.

I read:
The odd thing is I am not sure why it is upsetting me so. The intricacies of my thoughts and emotions about this date are a blind spot.
and
What a beautiful way to re-frame the day...

Reading that hits home. It shows me that part of the fear and torture of the day is that in many ways things have not changed. In fact over the last year, at times, matters got dramatically worse. I think if I felt more obvious differences between then and now, I could feel emotional distance. .. But I am a thinker and function by making sense. There is no sense to everything that happened. Surely this includes the men that attacked me, but more importantly the disappearance and criticism by my friends and family.

It reminded me of a few things: some things will never make reasonable sense, particularly why people do what they do to one another, often; that being able to make sense of it, may feel like some control is regained, even if fleeting or ultimately elusive; when there's no sense to be made to satisfaction grieving is what is left; there is difference in what will follow with the knowledge that not all people would act this way or treat you like they have, in fact maybe you will find the polar opposite.

But most of all, why define your life by one moment (past) of (understandable) desperation, or see yourself only through those eyes? That is much like the living people are left with after a suicide, with a cloud of that unjustifiably hanging over all of everything else the person did, meant, or were. It ends up filtered through that fact. Which is inevitable because it does negatively impact on others. So surviving it, and anything good received or given that has followed, was actually beating the odds. Your perseverance may one day be a tremendously great gift, and surviving it a great part of your story. Or maybe I should say, trust you are meant to be 'here'. ?
 
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My first anniversary I got two rings for my smallest fingers on each hand. One is a tree of life to remind me I chose to stay. The other is a black version of the one ring from the hobbit. Reminder not to repeat the actions that brought me to choosing death over life. My " don't be stupid".
 
particularly why people do what they do to one another, often; that being able to make sense of it, may feel like some control is regained, even if fleeting or ultimately elusive

Yes, the endless grieving it seems. So much loss, more than anything that is what I equate with ptsd. It feels like a train I am trying to stand on the tracks like superman to stop. But then I am reminded I am mere mortal and am run over again. Slammed to the ground, even two days ago, I am unfamiliar with how to rise again while relinquishing control especially over other's opinions of me. It feels petty to write that but it's honest.
 
What would you like to know more about? And ill do my best.

At the time I asked I was clearer and tonight I am exhausted and foggy at best. If you don't mind, I would like to come back to you when I regain the perspective I had when I asked. Hope that doesn't come off dismissive because I don't feel that way at all.
 
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