I despise internet drama. I'll try to make this as undramatic as possible. Actually I don't really know why I'm here. There is a lot of airing of grievances here, but I don't see any solutions anywhere. All I know is I need help before I destroy my life for the umpteenth time. Backstory: Extremely violent, emotionally abusive father, weak mother who cannot stand up to father and was abused by him herself. I think I can almost understand fathers who were drunken assholes. That sounds like it sucks. My father was not a drunk. He was more the religious zealot (Mormon, if you care.) Rather than passing out in front of the TV with a bottle of whiskey (and preferring to be left alone) by dad is a very proactive abuser. He will come after you. He will not let you ignore him. Being a tightly-knit family and religious community, I get no sympathy from either and am estranged from both. I haven't spoken to my father in years, but that is ok because he is (still) a flaming butthole. Still, there's a big hole marked "family" that nothing can fill. I don't remember details. The memories are completely worn out. The more I recall them, the dimmer they get. All I remember is him COMING AT ME with his face red and his veins pounding. That's enough though. It's so boring and predictable. Male authority figures makes me FLIP THE **** OUT and there is nothing I can do about it. I KNOW where it comes from I know exactly why I am responding the way I am. And I've told the story to numerous counsellors. I still cannot control my emotions. I have never held a job longer than 6 months. As soon as whoever Mr, Bossman is finally asserts his authority (as bosses are prone to do, being bosses) that's the end for me. I freak out and do something antisocial, which makes him hate me more, which increases my agitation and propensity for doing more antisocial things. I'm in the middle of that cycle now. HELP ME.